Jack Shack Adventures From The Porn Clerk: Kristine Levine @ The Mystery Box Show

Ladies and gentlemen, Kristine Levine! The story I’m going to tell you I like to tell people when they tell me that everything happens for a reason We’re gonna revisit that later I worked at a porn store off and on for 14 years Just looking at the faces I feel like I feel like I know some of you Do I look familiar to any of you? Yeah? Tigard Fantasy? Sometimes down at Burnside? Well, about eight years ago we had a customer come in It was around… December 22nd No seven years ago, No, 8 years ago Okay, I’m just like, statute of limitations Okay good Seven years ago Eric, I’m your only storyteller that needed an attorney to tell this story So what happened was is I was drinking on the job I’m never gonna get through this Well, it was Christmas And, you just I worked graveyard You get bored So I got all liquored up It’s a little after midnight and a guy came in and he was wearing a blue checkered shirt, denim pants and he bought what I call the “Gay Happy Meal.” He got a pillow of lube, amyl nitrate, like rush, you know? To huff? And a condom And then a little while later, my coworker, Josh, said “Hey, the guy in booth 26, you know in the jack shack back there…” I don’t have to explain to a Portland audience what a jack shack is, do I? I don’t think so You guys got it? Yeah, you know. You’re savvy When I’m in Arkansas “What’s that? Oh!” But you guys got it The meat lockers, right? That you watch the porn in At the porn store So my coworker Josh says, “There’s something wrong the guy.” The light goes off and that’s how I know that you’ve either passed out, fallen asleep, whatever, or you’re just not paying for the room So that’s when I have to go in and politely knock and be like, “Hey I need you to put some money in there…” And I said, “No problem, I got this.” I am shithoused I go back to the arcade We call it an arcade Isn’t that stupid? You do play a little bit of cat and mouse games back there but that’s beside the point So I go back there and I have the keys And behind me is one of our cruisers A. regular cruiser I call him “Señor Nothing.” Because he every time I ask him “What the fuck are you doing?” he goes, “Nothing!” And he sashays away So Señor Nothing is right behind me and he says “I think he’s sleeping.” And I go, “Yeah, whatever.” Right? I’m drunk So I knock. “Hey!” No response I open the door And I just see this man’s shoulder I’d just seen him like 15 minutes before And he was fine Yeah And, man, he was not fine He had died He was dead Yeah Pants down around his ankles, his hand was a little bit on his penis, like he was still trying And I was like Okay, now listen, let me explain this to you There’s two parts of me There’s a human part of me that recognized the loss of a human life And then there’s this porn clerk part of me, that was like, “Man I just got all the street cred!” “I’m gonna be Queen of the Porn Clerks!” You know what I mean? I’ll be like a hero to all my other co-workers I found a dead guy! Got one! Fish on! I did it! I’m not completely Oh, somebody died

And then… AARRGGH!! So I shut the door I locked it I turn around Señor Nothing is right there He’s wearing a mesh black t-shirt So tight. And leather black hot pants Maybe go-go boots You know what I’m talking about He’s fantastic And he says, “Is he sleeping? I be so quiet. Okay?” And I said, “Yeah… we’re gonna let him sleep it off for a while.” And then I walk up to the counter, and I grab the phone And my coworker, Josh, says, “How’s the guy in boot 26?” And I said, “Well, he’s fucking great He’s dead!” He’s better than we are. He’s not in this shithole anymore. He’s fucking great I. used to think that when you die at a porn store, the ground would just open up and suck you down to hell like a bank tube! You know? Like, you die in booth 26 vooomp! Gone! So I assume what I do next is to call 9-1-1 They don’t really teach you this in porn clerk school But they should I call 9-1-1 And. this call is so fantastic in the history of 9-1-1 calls I want to get a copy of it You’ve heard nothing like it in the world The 9-1-1 dispatcher says “9-1-1 Emergency What is your emergency? Fire? Medical?” Rattles her shit off, right? Her whole spiel And I say “Well, gosh. I don’t know.” I’m not really It’s like.. all my choices I only have three. I don’t know! Like, I don’t really have a police situation, or a fire And it’s not really a medical She says “What do you need?” And I say “Um. I don’t know This is Kristine Levine from Fantasy on Coronado Drive out in Portland/Tigard And uh I have a dead guy in one of the booths Can you come get it?” Right? Like it’s a sack of garbage somebody left on my doorstep “Can someone clean that up for me? It’s in my way.” And she says, “How do you know he’s dead?” What?! What kind of dispatcher is this?! I think I’m in a cartoon Are you shitting me?! And I think she’s being funny, and of course I’m a comedian and I’m like, “I’m funny, I can play this game.” I said, “Oh, I know he’s dead because I tickled him and he didn’t laugh.” I think it’s a game! And then I realized, no, she fucking hates me She’s mad at me Because I’m not being tender about this And I just told her what to do I told her this guy was dead And she says, “No, no, no What I mean is, you are not a physician, are you? Are you a doctor? How are you even qualified to tell if somebody’s died or not? You don’t know.” And I said, “Why would I I just told you I work at a porn store! Why would a fucking doctor work at a porn store?!” Right, dummy?! She’s an idiot So fucking dumb So Miss Attitude Dispatcher says, “Fine, why don’t I send somebody out?” And I was like, “Right? Fuckin’ do that shit lady!” Okay Then it occurs to me I talked with my coworker, Josh, now that the first responders are on their way out, they’re not in any kind of hurry probably And it occurs to me that I don’t know this guy I’ve never seen him before I don’t know his name And that part of me that I told you about that’s still human? And gets it? Like, he’s dead And I I just wanted to know what his name was I thought the coroner’s not gonna tell me The police are never gonna tell me But I still want to know So I had Josh stand guard and make sure Señor Nothing was not around And I went back to the room And I opened it up And I reached inside and Andrew’s pants

And I grabbed his wallet and I looked inside and his name was Andrew And he was 52 years old And I even knew where he lived And that he had $35 in his wallet So Okay, settle down It’s not grave-robbing He wasn’t in the dirt It was okay He’s still above ground He didn’t bat my hand away It’s the worst! I know! Okay! But let me explain something to you When you die at the porn store, here’s what you’re not gonna get: First of all you’re not gonna get help No one’s gonna give you CPR You’re fucked It’s not gonna happen He was dead for maybe 10 minutes I might have been able save him! I still don’t know! I could have But I don’t know And the $35 If you die at the porn store, that’s a finder’s fee! That’s what I get for seeing your dead dick! That’s my job. Thank you I thanked him for his noble sacrifice, Petted his head “Thanks, Andrew.” Peace out And it’s not like his wife was gonna be back, you know, at any time saying, “Um, my husband Andrew died here yesterday and I would really like to know where the fuck that $35 is.” Okay? It’s money It’s not anything And plus, you know what? If I had NOT taken something from him all my other co-workers would have made fun of me for it That’s the truth That’s the honest truth The truth is that porn clerks pride People die in porn stores and it happens And every time something like that happens we gotta lift something from you Like as a token, to go “Got it!” Like we scalped you or something. like it’s just To make it worth it Anyway, I took his money Whatever I could rationalize it all fucking day I stole from him And there was the element of peer pressure, though And the fact I did need to You know, it was Christmas, I needed the money But I was deeply grateful that he chose that moment to pass away because I really did need the money And then I waited for the first responders They came and I opened the door for them And they threw down their paddles and whatnot And they said, “Gah! Whew! He’s dead!” And I said, “Right?! You tell that fucking cop dispatcher that Dr. Levine….” I had this asshole diagnosed properly! I did The next morning oh no, I’m getting ahead of myself Then of course the police were there And the coroner came by You should have seen the look on Señor Nothing’s face when they loaded it Andrew on the gurney and rolled him out Señor Nothing was like, “Oooooh! Why you not tell me?!” ‘Cuz I love this I wanted to see this all day He was the best Well then the coroner says to me, “Do you remember when you last saw him alive?” And I knew exactly when and what I told him And he said, “Why did he get the amyl nitrate, er that rush? What is that for?” And I was like god damn, I gotta educate the doctor? Fuck! So I had to explain to the coroner that gay guys on “the make,” you know, the cruisers like to huff it and then it kind of rocks and makes ’em feel all jelly You know, good. It’s a drug And he said, “Aw, jeez. Then he might have been on viagra, and then huffing that would have made his blood pressure got wonky and he probably stroked out.” Just for FYI, assholes, if you’re taking Viagra and you think your fancy… mm-hmm Don’t be that fancy You’re gonna have a stroke And then I said to the coroner, Or, no, the coroner said, “It’s okay we contacted his wife She’ll be by to pick up his car pretty soon.” I said, “Holy shit. He’s got a wife?!” And he said, “Yeah. And a daughter.” Like 20 years old or something like that I was like, oh my god Now I know I did just steal money from this man I get it But there is a part of me that’s still human

And I beg the corner, “Can we just move the car across the street to Baxter’s Auto Parts or something? Maybe to Fred Meyer So that his wife doesn’t have to fucking come to the porn store to pick up her dead husband’s car? Can we just give her that?” And he said, not knowing that I had robbed him, the coroner said, “You’re such a nice lady, Kristine.” I’m a saint Yup He said, “You’re so kind to think of that but, the truth is that moving the car would be a liability. We’d have to have it towed across the street And all we’d really be doing is incurring the family of larger expense in addition to the funeral expenses.” Now I have this shit to deal with “So you might as well just leave it here and let her just deal with it.” I said, “Okay.” So knowing that she’s coming was terrifying to me I wanted to see her but I didn’t want to see her Do you know what I mean? I don’t know, maybe I would have just told her everything Or hugged her. I don’t know She doesn’t want that from me But I felt connected to her in a way And when she finally arrived her eyes were puffy. She was devastated And fucking humiliated She came in with a young woman, (I think their daughter) who stood kind of by the door but just close enough to mom to catch her if she passed out, you know? She was very shaky and she got the keys from my coworker And she just said, “I have to get some keys.” And my coworker Josh just handed her the keys and that was it. She walked away They went outside, got the car That was gone And then a few days later I saw the death notice in the paper I always used to cruise the paper for death notices just to close accounts of people that were dead It’s a hobby I like to read the obits because of that And when I found Andrew’s, I found out where he worked I found out about his life How fascinating, what a great man he was You know they always say how nice people are He seemed like he was a really good dude He was loved by a lot of people And in fact he had a really great job and I was like $35….? Okay He had a good job, babe And I found out when his funeral was And again the comedian part of me, the porn clerk part of me was like, “Whew! That funeral’s gotta be weird!” You know? Are people going up to his wife going, “Don’t worry, he died doing what he loved”? Awkward! That’s the worst funeral ever! But then the human part of me really this is crazy I know maybe to you guys but I wanted to GO to that funeral! I wanted to tell his wife, “What your husband was doing was fine! There was nothing wrong with it He’s okay and he…. he didn’t do anything wrong You don’t have to be embarrassed And you can laugh about it if you want to And you know what? I did protect him I made sure that door was locked And I made sure that nobody saw him naked except for the the medical people that were supposed to see him naked.” Do you know what I mean? I’m the only one that saw him in that condition And I took care of it And I handled it. And I made sure that door was locked in it nobody was gonna bother him And I just wanted to connect with her and tell her that everything’s okay And he probably died super fast because the coroner said it was a stroke And he was in motion, you know what I mean? There was no signs of distress on him at all He seemed so peaceful And he was fine I thought maybe I should tell her that And then the smart part of me said, “Fuck no!” “Do not do that.” That’s such a butthole move That makes it all about me So I didn’t go I didn’t go The point is, I guess why I’m trying to say is that Andrew was gay And he died at a porn store watching a gay porn I know cuz I check the movies just to make sure about my theory You know, I could go in the back and check what was on He was watching a gay movie He was gay And he couldn’t tell his wife He could never communicate that truth to her He married a woman because he had to And he couldn’t be free And he ended up dying at a porn store So if you’re hiding anything from anybody fucking just tell people It’s okay And I promise you won’t get robbed

Be free Thank you and good night