Hey guys, hey, what’s up Waluigi everyone! Hey, it’s me, guys! Today we’re reviewing the Battle wizard! A movie review! 👏👏👏 Movie review First of all, let’s look at the poster. Wow. Why would anyone watch this? You might ask? I don’t know. Sometimes I’m just so random. That’s why I’m a complete mad lad! Hey, let’s watch that movie! The absolute mad lad! This is from 1977 and it’s actually a really good time, I thoroughly enjoyed this film I like this review saying: “That it’s some of the worst editing I’ve ever seen.” You don’t understand, okay? It’s Oscar-worthy! But without further ado let’s brrrreak it down! [Disney-like intro music playing] That’s it! That’s all the intro for the movie and it just starts. That’s good editing! Okay? I don’t want to hear about every single person that is part of this film if I’m already deciding to watch it Okay? This movie was ahead of its time Now it starts off with a lovely story of Chang Hua. I don’t remember his name I don’t know if that’s racist for me to just make up a name. Wasn’t quite of a pickle [gagging sounds] You are pregnant? He finds out that his mistress is pregnant. Oopsie! For how long? Then literally seconds away from him finding out that she’s pregnant this guy just jumps in You slut! You’re having an affair? This movie doesn’t waste time. Okay, he’s barely just gone: “Damn, that sucks.” Ah, maybe he was eavesdropping. Maybe actually no, I think about it. He probably was watching them! But then again, it doesn’t make sense for him to barge in after they had sex and after she said that. It doesn’t matter! Damm it! I’ll kill today You may think “ahh.., it’s okay. It’s a standard kung fu film.” Oh no no! Oh no no! It gets infinitely better very fast! [laughs] The knees! That’s right, everybody! Why does he shoot this man from his fingers with lasers on this man’s both knees? I don’t know Does anyone know? Please let me know in the comments your top five reasons Tuan Zhengchun, you hurt me with black magic, you aren’t a hero You’ve got it wrong, Yellow Rebe Man It isn’t black magic It’s Yi Yang Finger; Tuan family is known for it Yi Yang Finger I’ve seen what you’re capable of, I’ll get even in twenty years’ time So he tries to escape but you can’t escape the knee gun, okay? You just can’t Oopsie!!! [laughs] You know someone’s trying to escape what do you do? You shoot off their knees that’s what needs to be done! I’ll get even in twenty years’ time This is me when I get my knees fired off by a finger laser And that was that Dear, take me with you I can’t Zhengchun Zhengchun, I heard that you were in fight I heard you were in a fight five seconds after it happened. This movie doesn’t waste time! Did she hear the actual fight or did she hear gossip of there being a fight while the fight was happening? I’m so confused. It doesn’t matter Zhengchun, I heard that you were in a fight So? Are you hurt? No, I’m fine Who are you? Shu Baifeng. I’m his fiancee Okay, I’ll break it down. This is her fiance The other one is like: “Hey, who the hell are you?” “Get out!” and he’s like “I don’t care” We’re getting married next month Zhengchun, you lied to me Let’s go, Zhengchun Zheng Chun that’s his name. I apologize! Let’s go Tuan Zhengchun, Shu Baifeng,
I datest you both! The Battle Wizard Damn this intro is fire! It’s another example of perfect editing. You have this man sitting in a cage 20 years later He’s still wearing the same yellow robe because he’s known as Yellow Robe Man, of course. What other name would he have? Tuan The Battle Wizard. It’s your doomsday Canglong What are you orders, Senior? Tuan Zhengchun broke my legs I don’t think he broke your legs. I think he fired them up. I think you have no legs with “Yi Yang Finger” back then Do you remember? Today is the day I’ve been waiting for, after a decade of endurance and planning He has a son called Tuan Yu After all the years, he should be a grownup now Canglong. Go down the hill and bring Tuan Yu here Yes And now we see the power of the knee! That’s right, everybody! Daaaamn! So basically the plot is that 20 years later the son of the man that shot off his knees doesn’t want to learn kung fu. He wants to be a scholar. He doesn’t understand the nonsensical violence He just want to be peaceful The daughter of the mistress has grown up to be a… I don’t know I don’t know what she is. And her mom says that if she ever finds the wife of the man that she had her child. She has to kill her Promise me two things Yes, anything First; If you meet a woman called Shu Baifeng, you must kill her There’s a red mole on her left wrist In case she goes by another name, you can still identify her with the mole There’s a huge grudge between us You must remember I will She must also cover up her face. Why? don’t let any man see your face Why not? Because all men are bad news ” -Why? Why would I cover up my face? – Men are bad news? Did you not watch the Gillette commercial don’t make me laugh!” So the son of the knee shooting man decides to go out in the world to learn about new things And it’s the first time he goes outside the palace What is the first thing he sees? Well, of course, a lady with a bunch of facking snakes You know if I’ve never left my house before and that’s the first thing I see I probably would just go back inside but that’s just me They train kung fu together and obviously he’s terrible Again? Come on But she basically says “you don’t really need to practice just in case you happen to stumble upon a red scaled snake Just suck him up and you’ll get his power. ” Great! How convenient! [laughs] As long as you find this big snake, suck up its blood, and you’ll have invincible power Unbelievable They get attacked by a bunch of ninjas! And apparently he decided to change his haircut and complete appearance. He has a different robe even! Stand still Do you know that you are trespassing? Aren’t you afraid to die? The snakes are OP, okay? I don’t know what they do, but no fack snakes! I don’t know them, I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going, am I right? Who would win – two armless people or an entire army? Wait Hmm the snakes! Of course, just throw snakes at him. Here you go! They just run through that crowd! [laughs] Super snake! Go, super snake! Okay, that’s just nasty. I’m sorry but ew! Disgusting! Fine, let him go So Chang Chong manages to escape and he’s supposed to get help but he gets a box
mysterious box that he needs to deliver to the friend of this woman What’s inside the box, Felix? Oh oh, we’ll get to that, don’t worry! So he runs over to the snake girl’s friend to get some help but he’s been attacked at the same time You are Don’t be so sneaky, get in here! I have I know that they’re going to hassle you, that’s why I rushed here But it’s too late What’s your name? Tuan Yu Any last wishes? You better tell me now There’s a young lady called Zhong Ling, And I gotta say… finally a strong female protagonist! Finally! You did it right, 1977 China, you did it, right Now the first girl had snakes as her weapon. The second girl has guess what as a weapon That’s right, everyone! A blanket! Not the blanket, please! The blanket that can stop swords! Amazing! Wow! Incredible! I told you that I don’t want to kill anyone, why aren’t you leaving? Have you forgotten our enemy? Charge She then pulls out the greatest weapon of all time! So we have snakes, we have blankets… now, what do we have? What possibly could she pull out? A bone! A bone that shoots lasers? Epic?! Where did that girl even come from? And why did she shoot her in the ass? [laughs] Have you forgotten our enemy? Where’s the girl in all of this? Charge I think she just shot her gardener [laughs] What the f*** Oh, wow!! I’ll say it now and I’m gonna say it at a couple other points… this movie was plagiarized by Star Wars! This is basically Chinese Star Wars. We got lasers, we got knees-shooting just like Star Wars and we… we’ll get to the rest of the points eventually One thing that I appreciate about this movie is that they just jump everywhere. Let’s go! And they’re on a horse! [laughs] Let’s go! Okay, so the next point So they get attacked again by another ninja gang and out comes in to the rescue Wanqing Look at that! That’s Star Wars! Come on. It’s even sounds the same! In comes to the rescue, however is Chang Chung He was given this box. He doesn’t know what it does He doesn’t know what’s inside of it but for some reason he decides to just pull it out and this is what happens Sleepy!!! [laughs] I just love how It jumps out, bites the man in the neck and then jumps back in. What a polite frog! What a nice trained frog! Who has a bone laser… I don’t… I still don’t get it Is that a thing in China? Maybe that’s the thing in China that I don’t know about yet Chinese Star Wars, everyone. I gotta say though as bad and completely nonsensical this movie is, the action is actually pretty good sometimes When it’s not about blanket and snakes… and bone lasers It looks legit What the hell is that?! She’s back! Why does she have maracas?! What are those? Maracas girl out for revenge! Oh, no! Maracas girl! No! This movie is just like Star Wars! I’ve been saying it so many times. When will people listen? George Lucas ripped this movie off He turned it into a billion dollar enterprise and China is out for revenge. It all makes sense now! Yue Canglong is here to revenge for his senior Alright. I don’t really like the lobster guy. So I’m just gonna ignore him. He’s just annoying
All you need to know is he’s a lobster guy. I don’t… and he’s… I don’t He’s a lobster guy. Okay? Ninja bone girl Bone ninja girl Which means that he has to suck out the poison from the lobster claw and it’s It’s kind of weird like this is supposed to be romantic? This is… Ew, what the Why is this sexual? China? China, why? Just like Star Wars! Oh, i just realized actually. They’re siblings just like Star Wars. Oh my god! Is no one gonna talk about this? Is no one gonna mention this? Am I the only one with a small chub right going? Damn, that’s hot. Yaa! Okay So five seconds after that beautiful sucking little segment the red scale snake appears, hooray! Time for more sucking! Bite its throat and suck up the blood Bite his throat and suck out the blood! Suck up the blood, You know, in The Matrix when Neo learns kung fu through a very similar aspect of basically, no training just per automatic he knows kung fu Same thing happens in this plot. So I guess you can say Matrix stole from this movie as well We have the famous scene of Neo saying: “I know kung foo”. Here, however, we have a much better line It feeds on ginseng, and the deer antlers After thousands of years, its colour has turned red Whoever drinks its blood, exercises internally, and he will acquire “Red Dragon Soul” style This is good news I know martial arts This is good news, I know martial arts! [laughs] The Matrix stole from [laughs] “I know kung fu.” [speaks fake chinese to be a racist meanie!] Is that racist? That’s what he said though This is good news I know martial arts [speaks fake chinese to be a racist meanie!] I know kung fu this is good news! I will have to kill you, and then I’ll kill myself Do you want to be my husband? So she swore that anyone that sees her without the mask, she has to marry! Otherwise she has to kill them So she’s like “hey you want to be my husband?” and it’s one of the nicest moments I’ve ever seen I’m willing to marry you Do you want to be my husband? I’m willing to marry you Truly makes my heart pound deeper and deeper of love and affection. That was beautiful! Good day, my master Good day “obitori” is that “good day” in Chinese? Those nipples are distracting This shot is just awful It’s just horrible to look at What the fuck are they doing? What are you doing? Royal Uncle asked us to keep you under watch And he’s back! The greatest character of all time! He’s called Yellow Robe Man but he should really be called Knee Man Cuz those are some goddamn knees! Yellow Robe Man I want those! Legs, please! Where do I get those? They’re amazing! I really appreciate shots like these also They’re filming whatever this is Oh here she is, okay! Great! There she is! Found her! In this shot you can basically see the stilts. He never lost his legs, everyone! Senior Where are we taking them to? Wanjie valley Feed them to the gorilla Just kill them, why bother? So they captured Chang Chong and secret ninja lady and they say: “hey, why kill them when that’s exactly our goal when we can just feed them to the gorilla.” Feed them to the gorilla! And… I know this is gonna be surprising but another example of ripping off Star Wars Shut up If I get angry, Now if you are confused by the plot don’t worry! I am as well. Oh my God, he’s back! Where did he come from? What just happened there? Why was he flying? I need to see… where did he come from?! I love it so much! Down Okay, how is this not like Star Wars? Remember in episode 6 Is it episode 6? When they’re thrown down in the pit to fight the giant monster? Same plot! Same plot! Instead of a giant monster there’s a gorilla. That’s the small detail
But otherwise, it’s exactly the same! George Lucas, I’m on to you! Look! Identical! It’s identical, okay? Show frame by frame! Actually, don’t. It’s a kung fu fighting gorilla! Incredible! That’s a lot of laughing in this movie. Now the Yellow Robe Man has only begun to show his power level. He also has that: [high pitch pterodactyl screech] [high pitch pterodactyl screech] Oh my gooood!!! Jesus Christ [laughs] [fake chinese fighting sound] [high pitch pterodactyl screech] George Lucas, again basically the same as the Lightsaber! No, not the fingers! Those goddamn fingers! I don’t know what to say, man. I just… I don’t what to say Just like Star Wars! So they’re about to die from the gorilla and she’s like “hey, eat the toad!” Tuan Yu Quick, eat up the toad And he doesn’t even hesitate, he’s like “yeah, I guess I’ll eat the toad!” She hasn’t even explained why you’re supposed to eat the toad. He’s just like “yeah, I guess I’ll eat the toad!” “You know what? I know I’m dying from a gorilla beating me to death, but I’ll eat the toad!” You’ve sucked up the Red Python’s blood; And after you’ve eaten the toad, you will be invincible Okay, you maybe should have said that before telling me to eat a f**** toad! We have to get out! C’mon, eat it! Hurry Eat the toad! Eat the toad! Don’t eat the toad for Sleepy! Oh, no! Ew! Sleepyyyyyyy!! And now he has the power of toad and snake and oh my god, what is that attack? What is that?! What? Gorilla! No! You can’t just take his arm! You didn’t have to do that! Oh, he’s dead He’s dead Tuan Yu, now you have acquired super power You can even kill with your bare hands Chang Chung, you have now acquired superpower! You have basically gone super saiyan! You can kill with your bare hands! Your reaction, please? This is great! This is just great! Okay, how is this not like Star Wars? You go ahead and tell me Zhengchun What is happening? I don’t know I don’t know who this guy is and I don’t know what the spell is Tuan Zhengchun Is this a common thing in China? I’ve never been in China, I don’t know if this is what you do This is your doomsday But I feel like a Did he just shoot him in the knee?! He did not just shoot him in the knee again! What? That’s my move! This movie should copystrike George Lucas and I can copystrike this movie! Now they escape the pit and it’s time for the final battle! I don’t really know what is happening See they always go for the knees those f**** chinese! [chiknees! *wink wink*] [another pterodactyl screech] Oh my g I forgot about that [imitates pterodactyl screech] [some name] had said something cooler like “dragons flame! Rah.” No, it had to be [imitates pterodactyl screech] Oh my god, he’s at it again! What is happening? If it’s red dragon soul then why is the beam is green? Now, of course, the movie had to sneak in a couple more knee attacks. I don’t know what is up with chinese people and knee attacks but I’m wearing knee pads which I can’t wear but if I had knees I would… you know, what? Never mind Look at this. Why? Stop Was that necessary? Another knee attack! Another knee attack! Ow! Jesus Christ! I want those legs! You see… you clearly see it like here [laughs] Oh my god, I want that! I want it!
Okay, that’s a Oh, don’t shoot up his leg again! He did not do that! And then he dies. I don’t know. It’s pretty it’s pretty gross It’s the 70’s, they they like to do weird shit. I don’t know. I don’t know why they do that And then the movie is over! He rides off into the sunset with snaker… snake Snake-san is his true love! How nice! And that everyone was The Battle Wizard! I think that was the name of the film I think I learned a lot here today And that is I’m sure there’s some message to be taken from this Now I know a lot of people are gonna be like “why why are you watching it? It’s so weird, so shit” Well, I actually really liked it I think it’s so nice that what people criticize it for was the bad editing. This movie wasted no time And I really appreciated that I’m sick and tired of watching movies these days and you know exactly how the plot is gonna pan out It just bores me to death! With these movies like this you never know what’s gonna happen! So hey if you have an afternoon and want to have some good laughs with your friend I recommend watching The Battle Wizard and you can learn more about snakes, gorillas and sucking things out I hope you guys enjoyed this video! Smash like if you did if you want more epic movie reviews like this one And I’ll see you guys tomorrow! Goodbye, everyone! Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. I must go! 👏👏👏 👏👏👏