Bhante Jag – Love at First Sight

Ecch for a topic there’s nothing to bring people out like Valentine’s Monday how do I get that good date well I’m gonna let you another little secret about love at first sight now I’m gonna read this out this I’m gonna read the story on the third person because it’s about myself obviously not as a monk right but I’m going to read this one out into about my life prior to this and my experience of love at first sight and we’ve got some flowers as well to make it all that much more special you can’t have valentine’s without flowers right guys yes you need flowers for Valentine’s today is Valentine’s Day guys here ladies you probably haven’t reminded him yet and if it’s gonna be later this evening forget about it guys just go watch football or something nothing’s going to happen all right so let’s make a start on the topic of love at first sight so in order for this to work instead of just speaking ad-lib I’m going to be reading this normally I just talk ad lib but this might not going to be reading this out because it’s important to maintain the high fidelity of the historical events in order to convey the full sense of the subject at hand so without further delay this love story started in a University in Queensland it was a university situated by a large hybridized environment a blend of city and country where people were fairly relaxed and didn’t do anything too quickly this kind of university suited John that was my name before being among this university suited John best as he tended to err on the lazy side of student life some of the time spent at the University cafe solving the problems of the world some of his time playing bass guitar and a folk band and a little time at the Uni bar claiming his right to cheaper alcohol on happy hour days as is every student’s right but it wasn’t in these areas that John’s interests were piqued there are two main areas where John would find and did find something of much greater interest in liquid amber or hyperactive caffeinated conversations with beret-wearing tryhard philosophers one of these areas would be out at the student accommodation areas on one of the three colleges at this uni John was fortunate enough or unfortunate depending on how you might value privacy to live in university accommodations in other words College in the Australian sense of the word it was very convenient to live just across the campus and John knew that it also had a highly disproportionate ratio of young female to male residents just the ticket for any hot-blooded young man with the delusion of having stacks of time when he sighed at that time John didn’t really appreciate the kind of heart changing experience he was about to have it was a day like any other for this jaded and some might say sceptical arts student John was sitting in a small lecture hall to enjoy for what most students present another droll excursion through academia in order to walk out of the institution with an arts degree now it just so happened that there were plenty of things that one could distract themselves with during a lecture more often than not John would scrutinize all who entered the classroom on any given day typically he would be looking for people who were late so he could just mentally call them all sorts of names for disrupting the class John found some satisfaction in seeing the half-dead student zombies shuffling into the room late with people staring at them either for abject boredom of the unit of study being presented or the fact that the person dead to be late and has poor fashion sense for these hapless students they got the double barrel of being avoided due to being a fashion nightmare and avoided because they were probably they probably suck at group assignment work the logic being if they habitually turn up late to a lecture they were likely to hand in an assignment late as well for when that happens to them that’s their assignment it’s all well and good but when they are part of a group handing in a group assessment this was a disaster to be avoided this meant that they were to be avoided John knew this and as a result was somebody who kept an eagle eye on those who were late those who didn’t turn up regularly and those who looked as if the tying of their own shoelaces was an intractable situation akin to solving world hunger it was with such an eagle eye that John surveyed the world and it of course it

was a pleasant and a great surprise if the object in front of him was pleasant to behold rather than unpleasant let’s face it who wants to look at anything unpleasant so on this day during class John was struck down with something pleasant for a change and it was a feeling that went straight to his heart this was not just any average encounter that we are talking about here this was a case of love at first sight now something you probably don’t know about John is that he was somewhat introverted when it comes to striking up connections he wasn’t known for bravery on this front when we are talking about love at first sight it’s all about the heart leaping outward almost as if there is a wild elephant rampaging through small shrubs nothing can really stand in its way so to that heart jumps leaps out of the chest at the mere sight of that which it loves that which consumes its thoughts by day and by night for this is one of the hallmarks of love at first sight John knew that this was unique for he didn’t have to this kind of feeling before there was a sense of knowing that here right before his eyes was an opportunity that just didn’t come around every year not even once before in his short span of 26 years on his planet this was a golden opportunity and surely he could find the courage to approach to get closer to get to know to explore but there was a problem there was a lack of courage to get closer to be more intimate with what was a stranger how could John muster the courage to reach out and and experience more of this feeling surely if the heart is so touched by mere sight how would it be to have a much closer connection surely John was missing out and John even if a somewhat lazy University student wasn’t one who liked missing out on opportunities after all he kept an eye out for such things and to those things that were obstacles to having more pleasant experiences there is however a fine art to approaching your one true love you cannot run like a ball from a rodeo gate all you end up doing is bringing unwanted attention to yourself in this manner and that is just not proper for someone who is shy in approaching in the first place no this requires more consideration more of a tactical response it’s one thing for a collector to get the butterfly another thing entirely to preserve it in pristine condition if you if you value real love you would not want anything bad to happen in your relationship so how you start is very important lest you scare that butterfly away with a brutish approach being in a semi-rural area meant that there were plenty of meatheads around so you wouldn’t want to emulate such a person such a Luddite for surely you would fail with that approach you simply don’t get this kind of opportunity every day so you may not get more than one shot best to make it count so after assessing the situation John decided to commit to action love from a distance after all is not all that interesting actually it’s quite painful to see and not to hold when all one wants is intimacy closeness john knew that timing was important and that making a move in the classroom was not the best place to develop a relationship he thought of alternatives how about the cafe what about the pub no not these places not really suitable how about the movies what about a fine restaurant what about McDonald’s no even though he was a student John know the difference between fine-dining and McDonald’s going through the drive-through did not constitute an excellent night out even if this was the norm for students is at this time how about having some class what about a nice quiet place somewhere where you don’t need to scream in order to understand or be understood John pondered where such a beautiful place might be now it just so happens that there was a Japanese garden in the university grounds it had all the right features to satisfy the requirements of promoting intimate connection there were water features and tall slender stalks of bamboo there were park benches for well you know comfort there were bridges over lakes and water birds that lived on its banks it was well manicured and attended on by gardeners who fussed over it with great care every day of the week surely out of all the places John had

thought of this was by far the best place to make a bold move and so with much interest and an edge of excitement John decided on making the bold move the place was right the time was right and if left for too long this opportunity could very well slip through his fingers up until that point she didn’t really have any idea about John one would say she was kind of neutral about him John wouldn’t like to think she was indifferent towards him John had made very subtle indications of interest without trying to be as obvious as a 13 year old boy trying desperately to impress a girl in the school yard with handstands shows us strength and other such displays which are common most males in the animal kingdom John knew that just because he had certain feelings that it wasn’t necessarily true that they would be universally accepted or returned this was in part the risk in any approach one makes within the context of relationships in particular the quality of trust one does need the faith confidence and conviction to make that first contact and to carry it through how many of us have made two or three steps only to withdraw four or five steps when we get too close surely this is fear of the unknown and when John had his first encounter she didn’t flinch one bit indeed it was a revelation to John that here he was this six foot two tall man afraid of her so delicate and refined by comparison with his bulk and roughness the trepidation starting out in this journey was embarrassing when one comes to think about it but there was something more to this relationship that just wasn’t there in any of John’s previous relationships there was an honesty that just couldn’t be negotiated on an honesty that had to flow in a two-way manner from both both from from end towards it was demanded in a way that was not threatening but certainly uncomfortable in that it was the first time that John encountered delicacy and resoluteness and a moveable quality in all all in the one stroke it didn’t matter in which way John approached her she just did not compromise on certain things and being full of the proverbial crap was just one of the things she wouldn’t entertain John haver however was quite skilled in the art of spinning out crap but he didn’t appreciate it all that much she’s sorry but she didn’t appreciate it all that much though in her defense she was very gentle about it she just wouldn’t take it on and make it her burden this was a quality I admired and still admire to this day of course just because there was love at first sight doesn’t mean everything about it was comfortable or familiar on the contrary whilst there was a connection there was also a lot of mystery there were many avenues in this relationship that required more thought more investigation a sense of wonder and on many occasions bewilderment and frustration oh yes there was much frustration for it is the case that in life you can form connections that don’t make immediate sense or seem to hold great value sometimes you never get to understand certain aspects of the relationship of course over time the job of understanding these deeper connections can become easier but it demands an honesty within yourself John unfortunately at this stage was not fully conversant with his own heart to the point of allowing that deeper connection a task that would require much in the way of homework now the intrigue and adventure was important for John in this relationship for how many people seek out boring relationships and are satisfied with them John plucked up the courage and approached her she was he move erect but at the same time inviting the seem to contradict John’s preconceived notions of her from a distance now was the time to make a bolder move John sat down with her and started to open his heart to her at first there was some resistance not by her but more from John the honesty factor was the hardest part here the willingness not to hide away or run away from her it was apparent to John that nothing but bare truth would survive in this relationship and she was not one who would budge on that point she could seem sometimes to be quite cruel when it came to this but it was something that was not negotiable John had to be direct honest and aware of his traits traits and habits normally go into any relationship and she knew this she was however very gentle very compassionate just looking at her directly with an open heart was like being bathed in sunlight from a break in the clouds and a cold winter’s day John told her his secrets not that John could hide them from her anyway what John thought about and sometimes she would laugh with John sometimes she would laugh at John but this was only when he was trying to pull the wool over his own eyes she never took him seriously when he acted in this

way John and time grew to love her even more though she though he did struggle many times in the relationship however all things including the best relationships had to come to an end one day John realized that his relationship with her had actually changed he realized that to not acknowledge this would actually hold him back in his life’s journey keeping well in mind that she didn’t tolerate lies or dishonesty she knew John had evolved with her along the way and that she on one occasion had come to know John very well but on another knew that there were limitations to his current way of life she wanted John to move on with his life to not hold himself back she was very giving and selfless and John knew he would never encounter anything anywhere at anytime that could match her or surpass her this relationship was not an ordinary one she also knew this John came to the crossroads of this relationship over a couple of years where he needed to make a decision would he move on and leave her behind completely or would he make the most of the relationship move forward and be a better person for it John decided to move on and hopefully upwards it was early in the morning on January 26 that John got up quietly and made preparations to leave he didn’t want to bother her but she was not one to be easily fooled she was very aware of what he was up to and wasn’t going to be asleep as he left like a thief in the night she helped him up to this point and she figured that he needs a little more help to make the transition to monastery life she did after all support John in this move without reservation indeed she actively encouraged him where else would John find such support to do something that can change the nature of this very relationship she was indeed selfless at 2:00 a.m. John took his keys and started the car he looked for what might be the last time upon his home the university colleges where he had lived for the three years he started the engine and put the car into gear she didn’t flinch she didn’t resist his leaving instead she had nothing but understanding and encouragement as he drove out of the driveway she’s stronger than any person John knew as he left that place for good John eventually took up robes and joined the Sangha of monks he thought of her during this time as a monk as he reflected back on his university years she of course would never see John again as she knew him she would only ever see him now as a monk we’re naturally the nature of the relationship has changed it might come to something prize for people to know that she does keep up with venerable jag and keep tab on what he gets up to one cannot have such a connection and cut everything completely off indeed her presence has only boat enriched both John’s and Venable Jags life actually she is in this room right now though many of you may not be familiar with her of course she does have a name and for the sake of prudence I haven’t mentioned it but some of you might be curious to curious as to who she is and if you ever meet her to inquire about the nature of love at first sight so I’ll tell you her name her name is the Dhamma and this was the story of Jon’s love of the Dhamma at first sight that’s it you’re all looking around aren’t you who is this woman Rosie okay did was that what you expected every blockbuster has to have a twist apparently that’s the rules alright so love at first sight the Buddha doesn’t talk about love at first sight in the suitors there’s no reference to that in particular but there are teachings in regards to a husband and wife who will approach the Buddha so I’ll read a little bit of the Sutra out in regards to this particular situation and you can see how the the Buddha takes care of this or treats this particular subject okay this is from the ingot or nicaya it’s from the book of fours and it’s number 55 the same in

livin’ number one on one occasion the blessed one was dwelling among the barges in some Sumer got some samurai Giri no I’ll try that again some Samara right Ruggiero good lord that’s why the Buddha says to learn the Dhamma in your own language I could say Brisbin it wouldn’t make a difference in the Deer Park at Besser Carla Grove then in the morning the Blessed one dressed took his bowl and robe and went to the residences of the household Nicola put Nicola Nicola Pippa where he sat down in the prepared seat then the householder and the householders wife approached the Blessed one paid homage to him sat down to one side and the householder said this to the Blessed One bhante since I was young when the young girl was given to me in marriage I do not recall ever transgressing against her even in thought much less by deed we wish Ponte to see one another not only in the present life but also in future lives the householders wife in turn said to the Blessed One vantes since I was a young girl given to the young householder in marriage I do not recall ever transgressing against him in thought much less by deed we wish bunting to see one another not only in this present life but also in future lives householders if both husband and wife were to see one another not only in this present life but also in future lives they should have the same faith the same virtuous behavior the same generosity and the same wisdom then they will see one another not only in the present life but also in future lives so that was the blessed one speech at that stage now it goes into poetry usually not the Blessed One who puts this kind of thing in here both husband and wife are endowed with faith charitable and self-controlled living their lives righteously addressing each other with pleasant words then many benefits accrue to them and they dwell at ease their enemies are saddened when both are the same in virtue having practiced the Dhamma here the same in virtuous behavior and observances delighting after death in a day the world they rejoice enjoying sensual pleasures so that’s that suitor so for those of you celebrating Valentine’s Day with a loved one wanting sinking oh I would love nothing more than to meet my loved one again in future lives over and over like a movie called a neverending story some of you might be thinking like this if your relationship seems to be good some of you is suboptimal relationships think this is the worst advice ever to be avoided Monday what things do I not have to have no face no same virtuous behavior no generosity and no same wisdom great I can do that just to make sure I avoid this person in a future life so sometimes people might actually get this confused with this this actual teaching in the Buddha saying that the Buddha is actually encouraging for you to go from life to life hanging out with the same partner he is not saying this at all right not at all and just to make sure that that is not the case I’ve got the antidote so this is a slip to number five from the angle Tony Carr in the book of fours it’s called along with the stream monks there are these four kinds of persons found existing in the world what for the person who goes along with the stream the one who goes against the stream the one who is inwardly firm and the one who has crossed over and gone beyond the Brahman who stands on the high ground and what is the person who goes along with the stream here someone indulges in sensual pleasures and performs bad deeds this is called the person who goes along with the stream and what is the person who goes against the stream here someone does not indulge in sensual pleasures or perform bad deeds even with pain and dejection weeping with a tearful face he lives the complete and purified spiritual life this is called the person who goes against the stream and what is the person who is inwardly firm here with utter destruction of the five lower fetters some person is of spontaneous birth do to attain final Nibbana there without ever returning from that world this is called a person who is inwardly firm and what is the one who has crossed over

and gone beyond the Brahmin who stands on higher ground here with the destruction of the taints some person has realised for himself with direct knowledge in this very life the tankless liberation of mind liberation by wisdom and having entered upon it dwells it this is called the person who has crossed over and gone beyond the Brahman who stands on higher ground these bhikkhus are the four kinds of persons found existing in the world those people who are uncontrolled in sense pleasures not rid of lust enjoying sense pleasures here repeatedly coming back to birth and old age immersed in craving are the ones who go along with the stream therefore a wise person with mindfulness established not resorting to sense pleasures and bad deeds should give up sense pleasures even if it’s painful they call this person one who goes against the stream one who has abandoned five defilements are fulfilled okay now we’re going that’s the end of the Buddha’s speech now we’re going into poetry land one who has de Bandhan five defilements a fulfilled trainee unable to repeat retrogress attained two minds mastery his faculties composed this person is called one inwardly firm one who has comprehended things high and low burnt them up so they’re gone and exists no more that sage who has lived the spiritual life reached the world’s end is called one who has gone beyond the main hook between these two suitors was the term or the phrase sensual pleasures so in the first one where the husband and the wife approached the Buddha asking what are the conditions for us to meet with each other in future lives it was the sensual desire it was the sensual pleasures which was in that especially in the poetry section enjoying sensual pleasures in the other world so this is the cause and this is the reason but it’s interesting that that’s it’s actually in the poetry side of things you don’t find that phrase in what the Buddha is actually saying and he’s not he actually advocating they asked this is the proposition we would like to be together and he tells them the way for that to happen he’s not saying you should do this you shouldn’t make much of this you know he’s not encouraging it in this way but he is saying okay a plus B is gonna equal C you’re after C you need a and you need B he’s not saying you should develop a and B all right so clearly there’s a contradiction between those two suitors if you’re coming from the perspective that the butter is actually encouraging in the first one a union between two people and encouraging them to continue that union in future lives for the Buddha gives the teaching in the very basic way a very basic fundamental teaching of the Buddha is one of impermanence and another fundamental teaching is rooted in the concept birth is suffering aging is suffering sickness is suffering being with those who you don’t like is suffering listening to talks which go for too long was also suffering being fooled by the nature of the talk is also suffering but that’s because of your expectation so the Buddha gives teachings about the nature of dissatisfaction in the world and how to avoid it the only way of avoiding that is the Four Noble Truths understanding the Four Noble Truths and how to arrive at that understanding is through fulfilling the factors of the Eightfold Path establishing right view when you start to establish right view you put yourself onto that path of freedom you haven’t arrived yet until it is purified that view is clear crystal clear it’s not a few bugs on the windscreen and a bit of dirt it’s not enough as to be so clean your pet prayed prepared to eat off it all right even cleaner so that’s what you need to do if you want to enjoy the partnership and friendship of your partner in a future life well the Buddha’s giving you the instructions for that and all the ingredients are there same generosity in the same wisdom even just doing those two things it’s very difficult getting two people to align just with those two things same generosity same wisdom or you could just leave it at one it might be difficult okay so it’s not exactly easy but if if both people in the partnership are actually committed to acts of generosity they’re actually committed to the development of wisdom in this in a very even kind of way if that commitment is present then you’re fulfilling these factors and that would lead to a relationship which is which is stable right if one’s like a liberal voter the others a Labour voter well that probably probably won’t help too much maybe the views can be quite radical okay but if you are of a similar

mind you’re both hippies you’re both like the Greens you both you love art galleries you know classical music you like walks on the beach it’s not like one says I want to watch football the other one says I want to go for a drive in the country is like what can i watch football as you’re driving it’s do that car that that doesn’t work but when you’re closely aligned then those factors are present as the buddha is mentioning here in this in this particular talk and having that even yoke other references made in the suttas imagining if there’s a horse and an ox and you put a yoke it’s like the timber surround around their necks in order for the car to get pulled but the horse and the Ox have very different qualities yes they both have four legs yes they’re both mammals right just like you can meet a person yes they’re a human being yes they’re the gender that you’re interested in but there’s more to a relationship than just these basic factors so when the horse is trying to pull the car it’s pulling at a higher at a higher height never at a greater height then the Ox that’s lower to the ground the Ox is more stable because it’s centre of gravity is lower it is stronger in pulling it is not fast though the horse can outrun the Ox but the Ox can out pull the horse so some relationships are like that and you say I knew and you were married a horse my husband is just such an ox it depends which one’s the fast one in the relationship with which is a strong one you know the sometimes both are horses over there both horses then they can pull a carriage and you know like you see in period piece dramas you don’t see a horse with an elephant a zebra and the giraffe pulling a carriage with Cinderella hopping out earlier you just dropped by the zoo what is this so normally you see four horses six horses two horses even better is one horse one horse is better than a horse and an ox that’s dysfunctional right and there are relationships which are like that right they’re just plain dysfunctional you know you look at them and you’re just going how is there a contractor this is there a law that made you to get together somehow I mean house and sometimes they work strangely beyond all odds these relationships work but more often than not and they’ve got their difficulties alright and it’s and this is what the were is also talking about here is that shared vision shed mentality kind of a shared practice sometimes it’s difficult if you’re a serious Buddhist practitioner you go to meditation retreats you’re at the monastery and meditating on your despair days you’re listening to Dhamma talks your husband doesn’t do any of that your wife doesn’t do any of that it’s very hard to kind of gel they want to have a death metal playing session in their garage behind the house and you’re going it doesn’t sound like the you know dumb a chuckle for what enough the turning of the wheel of the dummer discourse which is a little bit more gentle than death metal in many respects so sometimes finding that common commonality is not very easy in love at first sight you could just take the word love out it’s just lust but what is it based on this particular suit to here when the Buddha is talking about how you get together in future lives how is that possible shared views shared wisdom etc by developing those things then in the future life you might actually see a person who is like that it’s not quite it’s not really all that common these kinds of experiences I have had their real experience I won’t say was love at first sight but it was like there’s there was an intensely interesting person and I this was at a pedestrian crossing of all places I’m in a car I stop for a pedestrian she’s walking across the pedestrian crossing this is a true story not as a monk right see and she turns and she looks at me and she just gives the smile it was like wow and I kicked myself for not actually parking the car to go up and say hello to her now she was in the 50s I was in my 20s but it’s not about the age and that’s the thing the love its first sight thing if it’s you know if it’s true it doesn’t act eighth age isn’t that important right but it’s your connection in the past lives which has led you to that state to that point where there’s that intense interest repeated connection repeated concern repeated care for each other and then you have that kind of moment I’m not saying this was love at first sight right with this lady that when she walked across perdition crossing it was but it was an amazing experience and being so young you just

think okay it’s strange when we just keep moving on I was certainly wasn’t a Buddhist at that stage or else I probably would have stopped and just like right it’s worth 10 minutes just to work out what what was going on here right just to investigate right I was been thinking marriage or anything silly like that right but just just to know what is this house is how do I know this person taking that time it was a missed opportunity and I would encourage you not to miss those kinds of opportunities and it’s not necessarily about getting married and living living happy ever after and all that kind of Hansel and Gretel business right it’s not about that fairy tale stuff but it’s actually like what kind of connection did you have in the past maybe you can learn something from that person but the same applies to the other end of the spectrum as well the people who you don’t like and lifetime after lifetime you you cultivate the opposite views the opposite wisdom not shared generosity not the same virtuous behavior and so that’s how you wonder you ever wonder why somebody comes into the room and you just hate them I don’t know you but I don’t like you you haven’t said anything but that’s enough like where does that come from and it’s just it’s not it’s not anything different to what is here it’s just the opposite of that right if you can go one way down the stream well then that’s also possible it can go the other way right it’s a two-way it’s a two-way street this business love and hate is on the same spectrum they just have opposite ends so when you’re in your relationship we’re about to you on that spectrum of love and hate he write down the end of love or should I say the lust and hate spectrum is it real love because if it’s real love you don’t need to be related to them they don’t need to be a relation they don’t need to be a child they don’t need to be a husband or your wife if it’s true love true love at first sight means without exception all-encompassing everyone everything every sentient being even if they want to attack you as the Buddha says in the simile of the soul even if bandit’s were to hold you down limb by limb and start to soar off one of those limbs if your mind gives rise to anger you are not practicing my teaching how many of you would be happy to have your arm sawed off and test your loving-kindness I’m not it’s not the point they’re not trying to prove anything but what it’s saying is even under such duress if your mind gravitates to that unwholesome state of anger you’re not practicing the teaching of the Buddha so when we look at our loved ones we have a certain bias after all your family and friends are just strangers when you’re born in this life they’re all strangers to you you may have known them from a past life but for all intents and purposes as a child you forget your past lives most children do some remember but you’re not gonna remember every one from every past life all right so when you encounter people who you like a lot or don’t like a lot reflect upon this do I really want that story to keep going well can I sit in the middle and let go of both ends of that spectrum can I move outside of that spectrum because that’s where the peace is love and haters are seesaw if you accept one side of the seesaw you have to accept the other side it comes with you cannot move one end of that seesaw and the other end doesn’t shift it does best is to be off that seesaw move towards equanimity when you sit in that middle point you don’t go to these extremes this is best people who sit in the middle of the seesaw yeah it’s not that much fun but you never dumped have you ever had that experience those of you who’ve had the luxury of a seesaw as a child you get on the seesaw with another person oh it’s all great fun up and down the jumping it’s happening then one looks over there’s there’s all there’s a ball jumps off you’re dumb does it sound like relationships oh what’s that over there Oh something interesting see ya dumped it’s like that so the problem is because you’ve accepted you’ve accepted that scale of love through to anger when you accept that kind of scale sure you’re gonna get dumped at some stage you will also feel happiness as well oh yes but just like the seesaw does it last

forever one of the two is going to tire at some stage then you gravitate to the other end it’s this kind of action left and right left and right but best to move off that seesaw you’ll never get dumped you’ll never have the exhilaration and the excitement but you’ll never get dumped as well it’s living as equanimity is like this your mind is steady not shaky and this is one of those qualities that allows you to see things as they really are the story of John before he was on the seesaw even with his good friend the Dumber they’re developing that close connection like that relationship with the Dumber the nature of it changes over time for you your understanding of that relationship changes over time what I first approached is not what I’m approaching now and that’s how you learn learning means change and learning does mean and does involve suffering absolutely wisdom doesn’t come from pleasure wisdom comes from challenge and how you approach that challenge it’s not about inflicting challenges unnecessarily on yourself you know Don I’m not asking you go to go out to the ocean and swim 15 kilometres and see if you can make it back that’s just being silly about how you take things as they’re appearing to you do you lose it completely are you are you jumping on the seesaw ran straight away are you giving it some time some reflection some consideration that is my talk this morning on love at first sight and I open up for any questions that you may have about that topic or any other topic as you see fit yes opus its attracts I think that they’re into chemistry physics north magnet south magnet attract sometimes it’s true people find within their relationships they find within themselves an inability to do something there’s a lack or a deficiency and so then they go and seek somebody who can complement them in that deficiency in a similar way when you’ve sweated a lot you have salt deficiency and you’ll go and eat and drink salty things in order to re-establish the balance of salts in your body so in that way the opposites attract in for the balancing out side of things but in relationships if you don’t just get the things that you want it’s a whole package to heal you might get just that little part that you want then there’s all this other stuff I don’t like this just this yeah you are okay until you started being yourself this is the problem with relationships we seek certain qualities out but we don’t want to take the other stuff with it you know so yeah opposites sometimes yes they do attract probably more so more regularly than than the same minded people this is actually quite a rare thing you know to find people very very similar views yeah okay I think it was also something there was an email question to me in regards to this topic so the statement I have fallen in love with you or I don’t want or love you any more so I want a divorce is this love a mixture of carnal desire friendship social or religious relationships between two persons must there be some spiritual binding or meaning within it so there’s the idea of falling in love is kind of it goes back to that question there falling in love means there’s some usually some aspect of another person that you’re either deficient in or you’re actually reflecting the quality that you have back to you so you find a person who is like a mirror to reflect back the good qualities within you all the things that you like about yourself and you want to validate your existence you want to create this concept of self and the way you do that is who you associate with what friends are you with what partner are you with how do they reflect that back to you this is what we do we sell ourselves and we want to be sold on ourselves because that gives us a reason to keep going for as soon as you pull the rug out from the idea or the concept I am it doesn’t matter what the other party reflects

it’s not personal anymore but prior to that it’s personal deeply personal you will take it very personally whatever they say is a reflection upon you so when they’re saying nice things about you who doesn’t like that hey Bunty Jenks great yeah you know I think you should hang around me more often meant a Jag you’re a pain in our come on that’s it that’s enough I don’t want that kind of reflection and that’s what it’s like you know relationships we prefer to have people who reflect back the things that we want to hear right that’s who your friends are people with shared farming’s you’ve heard of friends with benefits that’s one thing but then friends with shared deparment’s this is the nature of it really do you like watching movies yes do you like watching Titanic no okay you’re not my friend do you like watching romantic comedies yes okay we can we can hang out that’s what it’s like we could have you be a little checklist you take off you know what kind of things you interested in this is what your political view I know that no sorry no that’s a friendships finished but didn’t even start me and I you save yourself a lot of trouble if you do that just get a list you can have it electronically it’s okay and just hand them the iPad or something so can you just do this survey please before just I don’t look I’m a busy person I’ve got very limited time to invest so it’s just 60 questions it covers everything religious religion philosophy political views and nature so if you can just say I don’t want to waste your time or vice versa you know and the last question do you really like me regardless of what I say or do if you tick that one but all the rest is invalid you get in straightaway right maybe that’s the first question you tick that box like we’re done okay oh it’s great I’m going to always hear what I want to hear it’s fantastic but motor well I haven’t heard of any relationships like that but they will son sometimes they’re called prenups prenup is the checklist oh you got to take financial disadvantage of me yes or no are you gonna try and split everything 6040 yes or no you’re gonna take the children in the car yes sir if the relationship fails within 12 months what happens oh my god we’re not even believe in God but oh my god people that’s called having your cake right and eating it at the same time I want to have my cake and I wanna eat it but no but you can’t have your cake and eat at the same time it’s either the cakes there are you eating it but that’s what people want they want it all and they don’t want to risk anything relationships are risky it’s like the seesaw right you can play on the seesaw but if you don’t get off at the same time do you gonna get off the seesaw at the same time what’s gonna happen crash something get dumped all right they’re gonna suffer a little bit there or a lot depends on how reckless they are on the seesaw the more risks you take the more likely you’ll get injuries and suffering but with that risk and with that suffering also comes the wisdom I’m not asking you to do a lot of reckless things okay as I said before but you might take some risks you might suffer a bit but hopefully you learn from it and don’t repeat the same mistakes because that’s how you develop wisdom so those kinds of comments love at first sight are we kidding ourselves more often than not that’s why when they’re that topic it was somebody suggested a topic for Valentine’s Day and so on what do I choose for this Valentine’s Day I’m not mr. fluffy it’s not kind of it’s not my territory so I have to try and spin it somehow so is a true story we’ll just put it in such a way that actually comes back to Dhamma okay all right there any other questions if there aren’t any other questions I know it’s such a topic now that I’ve probably poured a lot of cold water over that fire I’ve drowned that in a dam of dumber it’s probably no more questions to be had it’s like oh when I wonder how I get a good boyfriend off forget that now okay he’s gonna bury it all right no more questions going once going twice going is that a hand going up or is that playing with the bottle that’s a playing with the bottle okay going three times sold to silence