Shakespeare Unbard

the pride of all nature was sweet with you the pride of all nature will sweetie glutton the plains not like this and wear it in your hat up fairy flower fancy that you’d like it’s friggin rosemarie then promise you’ll remember me nodding violet wild time I’ll be yours if you’ll be mine daisies pansies and here’s rue one for me and one for you the fairy queen do you have a little time to listen to a fit of rhyme you’re interested that’s good I’m glad then gather Romi girls and labs and be attentive all unfold and art which charms the dullest souls spell it’s were even as its hurt in living breathing moving words see words like children like to play but I’m a queen they must obey you might have heard tight a mia titania Americans I hope I’m not detaining yeah but if you have somewhere else to be that’s absolutely fine by me my power comes from Shakespeare’s pen he was a man like other men ah then so you’ve heard of him hard to believe that mortal skin and wrap that mind which richly wrought such substance out of pure thought and wounded in a shimmering skin which now we must unwind again though some say it’s not only greatness that we ought to celebrate but never mind those quibbles now I’ll sing to you of who and how people through time have honored him and by this river it begins a man named Derek there’s the named insured the bards immortal Fame the stratford shakespeare jubilee those stormy was a sight to see back in 1769 boring 1769 please I’m Jack full staff well young Jack full staff it’s always my birthday and you’re all invited if you’ve had enough of this doggerel come with me come on lads and lasses don’t you dare resist my spell be silent spirit i discard you from my drain get out your part you’re barred I’ve got that on a tea towel very reasonably priced come with me if you want a sweet Billy bargain tis the season for Shakespeare falala lalala lalala 1769 forsooth I don’t remember that party then let me jog your memory you anachronistic drunk it off this songs by Garrick and he quotes thou saw’st flowing Haven by the silver stream of portal by Shakespeare would dream boy dream be part of the scams of your County we’re faking has fashioned her bouncy when notches been stolen and nothings means bad for the bonneville maries by moonlight dance remember green bed and the bottom of Mars was a war Ichabod come gather round before she finds us the stratford jubilee of 1769 please it’s like being back at school cramming your skulls with Julius Caesar friends Romans summing house look I do love a party I’m always drunk and hungry I’m all for celebration but veneration not for me Chum everywhere I go they always thought about him where are they ended up this time the crowning glory of bagging on about him the RSC good place to make myself a little of the old dough ray me tea towels and tat the Shakespeare industry well got any other national industries to speak of hmm no didn’t think so but you know what they

say put money in my purse who did say that yah go no mate I think you’ll find it’s your go now what would these fools pay for for say a very fine brooch wrought from the very first tree planted by the one the only sweet Willy oh well that’s nothing what about a lock of hair snipped from the very well conditioned head of Miss Anne Hathaway some say she was a blonde clearly a redhead I got anything a letter explaining why he left stratford it was because of the infernal christmas shop opposite his house i mean come on that place is so depressing in February and it’s open all year round I have anything you want anything you could want it will explain all and answer every question I’m not even the most famous thief in all of Stratford fake relics ahoy rejoice and be glad for the ladder ball as was a warring slow here we go again look I’m one of burglar bills most famous characters he’s made a lot of money out of me why shouldn’t I make some out of him you just can’t handle the fact that everybody can have a piece of Shakespeare don’t be so disingenuous whose works are made for all of us and everyone can play a part but you are deepening his art reducing its transcendent beauty just read a bit you have a duty shall I compare thee to a summers day don’t know I’m really sweaty and I do go on a bit yeah let’s have a look at that what will happen if you take this bit and move it there new characters will end up in completely plays oh they say but ain’t broke don’t fix it but well this creativity laughs I feel like a prophet new inspired that’s Richard the second now is the winter of our discontent and there’s Richard the third up on the balcony what thumb I don’t like the looks of this just you wait but soft what light through yonder window breaks seriously what light who’s this guy I am Richard Duke of Gloucester misunderstood King and long Lester resident and now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by well by all these fires I’ve been starting I’ve got really into starting fires you’re not supposed to be here I wanted to declare my peons of undying love to Juliet’s and give her this pig and quickly to filming doesn’t come cheap o Romeo Romeo wherefore art thou such a drip nothing’s undying and we look at this place you can’t get rid of it I burnt it down in 1926 and they built it straight back up again every architect needs an arsonist and now we have this beautiful art deco edifice why is this guy talking about art deco when they tore out the old theater they kept the floorboards from the stage you’re walking on them now between the cafe in the gift shop the hallowed ground once trodden on by Sir Ian McKellen Sean Bean David Tennant who played me back in 1973 1986 2000 yes but also stomped over by every stage hand every hydraulics operator everybody stand with broom before to sweep the dust behind the door and before that they were just wood weren’t they even if they did come from the mulberry tree the mulberry tree planted by Shakespeare himself in his own garden oh sweet Willy oh the god of my idolatry had just wood and wood burns when I bent down the Globe Theatre in 1613 were you there no they were performing Henry the Eighth not usually an audience favorite but still that does seem like a rather extreme reaction I saw birds just ashore be in this day lobe surely the globe is for everyone why should one man have an entire globe isn’t that just greedy but Shakespeare wasn’t like other men his words were for

all time exactly just because you wouldn’t put my speeches on a fridge magnet does it mean you won’t remember them did you know I coined the phrase a tower of strength do you really want to be quoting me do you want me on your lip I bite my thumb at you in human dog unfit for any place but he’ll come and get me then I’m up here you’re down there among the people as if you would care he is a fire story for you the Birmingham Shakespeare Library burnt down in 1879 and everyone pitched in to save it not just snobs and academics the mayor himself helped out came straight from a dinner party in her top hat and tails and he mucked in pulling books out of the flames and donations from ordinary people replaced the entire collection within three years how touching and I suppose you would have done the same of course so here’s a riddle for you if Juliet your Juliet and the manuscript of Romeo and Juliet were both trapped in a burning building which would you see my Juliet of course even if the play would be lost forever unable to bring love and beauty to the lives of the millions of people who’ve seen it since across the world some of whose lives it may even have saved and all for the sake of one girl’s life I choose Juliet’s every time then you’ve just written yourself out of existence you’ve burnt your self to ashes out brief candle speaking of candles can I interest you in this mulberry scented specimen the sort that Shakespeare would have written by the light off for the true and there’s a beef from experience why should we celebrate Shakespeare with a scented candle why should we celebrate him at all I’m 90% sure that that guy just called him an arsonist but what about his immortal words we can just write them on the counter our kitchen souvenirs really the way to honor his achievements well if it isn’t fun it isn’t celebration that’s what these people the coffee sipping litter atiyah with their fancy little shoes and their curly fluffy wigs don’t seem to understand I mean what’s in it for me where do I come in well if you’re so unhappy why don’t you try taking matters into your own hands what like a bunch of amateurs that’s not very Shakespearean are you sure Oh what do these mean four five six seven eight one two three four five six seven eight one two three four five six seven eight one two three four five six seven eight one two three four 1234 1234 1234 12 12 12 watchin one more moment rubber chicken tis I Hamlet the Dane and don’t blame me I asked for a simple troupe of performers the sort who could put something on its feet with minimal fuss art the art’s sake without catering to the lowest common denominator yes they’re amateurs but it’s not like they haven’t had good reviews the best actors in the world either for tragedy comedy historical pastoral historical pastoral comical pastoral tragical comical historical pastoral well look I’m all for community engagements audience participation even but uh there’s just something about being on a stage that just feeds the ego isn’t there feeds it like corrupted flesh and just look at these grizzled goons swaggering so near the cradle of the immortal bard hmm are we all net let your own discretion be your tutor Oh a philosopher they didn’t teach that one Atwater the wittenberg Academy of Dramatic Arts but come on what rebels are in hand is there no play to ease the anguish of a torturing our is always anguish with you I’m worn out if you could just get on with things and we might have some drama and not all this damn I method is in addis don’t you see what you call theater I call silly shows I command you man by man according to script please each of us knows what you want from us homespuns just to sing songs of your praise wrapped up is art for our sake collaboration always a mistake we’re all here now we’ve exchanged pleasantries I can see there’s been a couple of creative differences but can’t we just get on with the show this isn’t show business you piping fool this is culture though I’ve seen your cups with more ambitious cultures than yours and

here we are in this temple of the muses but the muses haven’t taken very good care of it have they look at these old creaking unvarnished floorboards and they haven’t even painted that wall but it is I suppose a convenient place for our rehearsal he’s the writer who thinks he’s the director you’re the actor who thinks they’re the director why don’t we just let him get on with it and cast the Faerie Queene feuds I have for you the Queen’s part sketched out she is a creature of infinite wisdom and beauty and thus must be treated with us so as to shoot the action to the word royal as gently as any sucking dove dove a boring Dover boring sucking dog he thinks we’re the amateurs listen you could do with a little less contemplation a little more action to the word and then we might actually get something done now if you would just give up a little bit of control let me take matters into my own hands you can play no part observe how I hold you at arm’s length there are more things in my artistic vision than are dreamt of in your philosophy allow me to commune with the muses for a moment and do not speak i’m bored of this look I like the mug but it’s all very and Ramius very worthy very noble 4 stars from the Stratford Harold but it’s not what I’d call a rollicking good time I just want a party like it’s 1599 I just want a piece of the action if you just let me tell you about David Garrick alas more Garrick lesson will you David Garrick was a Titan of the English stage the greatest actor of his age a Georgian era kenneth Bren allow me to throw in a spanner ah I just want a good old knees up I’m not interested in some old ham speaking of which I haven’t eaten for hours has anybody got a pepper army I’m this close to going for me listing david garrett paved the way for Shakespeare as we know today he organized the festival the first of all in his hometown put up a statue in in each on the town hall put down that case back in 1769 read all about it there’s a sign upon the tree my fairies made you’ll find it in the colonnade so my dear ladies and gents let the festivities commence david garrick skip pants you are an actor of success get this rabble to process good evening sweet warwickshire and sweeter stratford upon the sweetest avon and we’re here to celebrate the works of the sugary ‘used most delectable pastry like ice cream East and sweetest Bard of the mall Shakespeare Shakespeare I wanted a procession of Shakespeare’s immortal characters to march through the charming streets of Stratford but it seems there momentarily indisposed don’t look at me do you need them why don’t you just ask these camera men you are any of you Shakespearean characters aye or nay if nay wine eh if I then who and why are you tragic or comic angelic demonic fat and round and wicked like the globe itself or hungry and lean generous or mean what I’m trying to convey is there isn’t half an array a great enough load to fit in an ode which if I may yeah I mean to say and this ode itself begins with a question a question easily answered to what blessed genius of the aisle shall gratitude her tribute pay decree in a festive day erect the statue and devote the pile was Dale it’s Voltaire but a lot of the Army’s French oh you ensure their English of books on you everything has to be about Shakespeare with you if it’s not Shakespeare its host beef over done steak overdone plays no sensitivity just blood on guts I mean come on what the culinary disaster it makes me cry yes tears of laughter but no but get on with it you promised a procession not an ode not anything about Voltaire not any

interfering commentators well hey look it’s raining what say we go get some cocoa instead oh look this clearly is never going to work getting all these people together at once outside in England you and your obsession with processions it’s completely do lolly did you say lolly know who’s Lonnie I can’t believe I never thought of it before Gwendolyn lolly the greatest pageant mastered that ever lived also pageant why a pageant is a whole town celebrating itself making a show of its own history Shakespeare usually played a part but so did everybody else all across the country in the 20s the third season four TS and Gwendolyn Lally was queen of them all you think I’m majestic commanding imperious relevant why should we tarry picture a green and pleasant valley and before any more disaster let’s bring on the pageant master Oh conjure Gwen oh yeah no no that’s quite enough of that are we having a pageant or what it’s not nearly enough Shakespearean character nonsense we can all play Shakespeare characters I act a very fine if I do say so myself Henry the fifth once more unto the breach dear friends once more or close the wall up with our English dead in peace there’s nothing so becomes a man as modest stillness and humility but when the blast of war blows in our ears then imitate the actions of the tiger different the sinews summon up the blood disguise fair nature with hard favour Drake try God filali England and some George I Gwendolyn Rosalie la lee toland all spec played Henry the fifth at the Old Vic in 1916 suave slick and with a sword our Warwickshire regiment was away and often over the top and women were fighting for Britain on the stage and so I thought why should we let anyone else tell us what to do Shakespeare is mine and yours he belongs to all of us what would our history be without Shakespeare more honest probably why should we go to the theater to watch our history why not simply perform it ourselves pageants by George I had it so why don’t we have a pageant right here like now here and the Royal Shakespeare Company oh darling Don you must play Queen Elizabeth the first as she tours Warwickshire and the little lad Shakespeare will come and meet you and get your blessing and then set off to write his immortal words of course one shell a row one will play extremely well lil boi have the body of a weak and feeble woman I have the heart and stomach but who will play Shakespeare who could play Shakespeare he’s unparalleled I’m superhuman yet human for I age and for all time we shall never look on his like again shall we not I wouldn’t be so sure what about you lads all asses could one of you be Shakespeare will one of you ever write is beautifully or as sinisterly as our sworn of Avon is there a Shakespeare here who is here and who isn’t who can put pen to paper and kundra whole world’s out of pure vapor and listen should you celebrate me celebrate him celebrate all those middle-class men and celebrate Britannia what happens then you’ve been listening to our idle chatter but what do you think doesn’t that matter so all you’re taking everyone’s rich I’m joy de la these pageants cherries Jubilee it’s a civic celebration Shakespeare for you and me we think I’m good old William as are confined you you the treaties consist words are too hot remember Helen if he pricked him he would bleed he’s not the best too cliche he forgot to proofread a poet was a clap

of thunder found a mortal thing so don’t simply prepare and think why should i do the kitchen I’m joining bodies pageants surely it’s a civic celebration yeah me now that image would look great on a souvenir postcard two thousand warwickshire lads and lasses in the cast alone and all these mums and dads to lolly you’re a gold mine Derek sold souvenirs to just look at this fetching rainbow ribbon very nice well I’ve gone to the liberty of having some rather nice badges made up for our kind spectators well so have I place your order now buy mine by my mine’s better here you have it madam the true likeness of the unique unmatched Shakespeare unique I thought you said he was a man like other man well you can’t put anybody’s face on a mug that’s true he’s matchless still the will of all will well he pays my bills that’s the thing about words for all time if nothing else there recession-proof so come on young Jack tell me the truth what does shakespeare mean to you a steady stream of revenue and you an icon for eternity that seems to be the same to me so come on Jack shall we sing his praises hmm depends how much it raises but don’t you want to celebrate oh oh do it just don’t tell my mates dad ain’t you saying about it like oh my god these are we like to join it’s all so let’s go sitting room and soil Shakespeare it’s a lien