Why isn’t it on Netflix? We spoke to them, but they already had several show on hold, so they’d postpone launching it for over a year, and I need this material out now. I want it out I want people to be able to see it on any platform, everywhere, anyway I just want you to see it And why Pachuca? Why Pachuca? This kind of show is always done in big venues, like Mexico City, Guadalajara, Monterrey like saying how wonderful big cities are Let’s be honest Who’d do a show in Pachuca? I just want it out, I want the fucking show out Pachuca is so cool! You really fucked up, man Besides pastes and more pastes Richie, you really fucked up Who’d do a show in a place Whose only highlight is It’s so windy? But people are cool there They get a joke Get a grip, man Their days are so sad If you take life seriously It’s a tragedy If you learn how to laugh It will turn into a comedy All about Mr. Rodríguez I’ll have a great time Shitloads of pussy Shitloads of ass Happiness is for those Who go after it This is light from Pachuca Not for Pachuca You went to Pachuca Ate lots of pastes You went to Pachuca Ate lots of pastes Pachuca, Hidalgo! How are you? It’s a real pleasure to be here Many people, when I said the show would be in Pachuca, asked me, “Why Pachuca?” And I thought, “Exactly Why Pachuca?” Just kidding. You’ve been attacked a lot lately, right? My first time, I didn’t wanna do the show here When I arrived, I thought, “What a horrid city, I wanna go.” And when the show ended, I said, “It’s one of the best audiences I’ve ever had.” And there were only 60 people One of the best audiences I’ve ever had because they can make fun of themselves, so I went, “My next show has to be in Pachuca, Hidalgo.” And here we are We’re gonna have a good time, right? Having said that, let’s begin Let’s begin We’re in 2018! We’ve become so stupid Touring the country, I’ve realized You visit many towns, see their different customs For instance, Tampico Everything was great in Tampico, the people were so nice Tampico is like Pachuca with beaches The organizer was amazing, the audience was great They took me out to lunch, and as we were eating, the organizer says, “Hey, dude! Can I give you something for your show?” And I go, “Yeah.” “The thing is, many people here in Tampico believe in UFOs. I don’t know if you can use that.” “Hell, yeah, I can use that shit. Go on.” This is absolutely true, I’m telling you Ask anyone in Tampico It’s true, I’m not making it up He said many people have seen UFOs in Tampico Many people say, in theory– It’s a fact You know anyone from Tampico, ask them. It’s the truth Many people say there are aliens living underwater, because every time there’s a hurricane coming in, it vanishes The theory goes that the aliens who live underwater divert hurricanes How fucking self-centered do you have to be to think that aliens would–? Why the hell, of all the cities in the world, would aliens wanna live in your city? Imagine the landscapes in Iceland, in Scotland No. Let’s go live in Tampico’s crappy sea And there they are, going, “I don’t know about you guys, I love being an alien and living here You mean the sea in Tampico? Oh, I love the sea there.” “Guys! You’re talking about the sea in Tampico, right? Sorry to interrupt, but there’s a hurricane coming!” “What?” “We must divert it!” Seriously, Mexico? In 2018? Is there an alien power that can divert hurricanes? Ghosts, too. Come on! We have to stop believing in ghosts. Let’s do this Anyone here–? The truth now Has anyone seen–? I mean see, not “I heard a noise coming from–” No See. Not “The door sometimes closes on its own.” No, see “The TV sometimes turns–” No, I mean see Anyone here has seen the presence of a ghost? A fucking transparent guy standing in your livingroom
Anyone? Exactly. No one dares raise their hand “Don’t speak. He’ll make fun of me the entire show.” “He’s just trying to get attention.” She’s holding his hand down “Don’t say a thing about ghosts.” So you saw a ghost? Don’t worry, I don’t believe you I don’t believe in ghost stories They’re always lies They always follow a pattern “We opened the door and there was a girl there.” Why are they always girls? Men aren’t scary, or what? It’s always a girl You go, “Boo!” “Be a girl!” Seriously There are three types of people who have seen ghosts Three. Four with you there Three One. The kid who saw his grandfather when he died “You didn’t see him, dummy You dreamed about him.” Why the fuck would he say goodbye to you and not your siblings? That would be really mean “Bye, take care, have a nice life The rest are old enough They can go fuck themselves.” And the mother, “No, he really saw his grandfather.” Second type of person who’s seen a ghost The expert. We all know one “Poltergeists do exist They’re more likely to show up at funerals When energy turns negative, type-C poltergeists appear What’s a type-C? Oh, they’re the most dangerous because they can go with someone who’s weak Yes, you can take those spirits home with you.” Why would a ghost want to share your crappy life? For starters, how does it happen? Does he get into your car and ride shotgun? You turn on the AC and the guys goes You get out and he gets locked inside There’s a ghost in your car And now you have a haunted car “The window lowered on its own the other day.” Third type of person who’s seen a ghost The maid who’s a pathological liar “No, sir, I don’t go in that room anymore since I saw a light bouncing I’m serious, there’s a ghost in the house Let me tell you why Toby goes up to the wall, and there’s no one there And he goes So you call him to come to you, and he That’s why I think there are ghosts.” You have a dog to back up your theory? A guy that eats his own shit? Who swallows his own puke out of guilt? Don’t you find it funny when dogs go, “I’m so sorry I’m cleaning it up already I’m already on it.” And you “No, Toby, it’s okay for you to throw up. It’s fine.” “Look, I’m halfway there I’m almost done.” We have to stop believing that dumb shit We also have celebrity ghosts “We saw the Weeping Woman.” Doesn’t she live in Guanajuato? Is she on a national tour? The ‘Oh, my Children Mexico Tour, coming soon’? As a society, we’re behaving like morons Music helps I’ve said it before on ‘These Bottles Won’t Drink Themselves’, it’s a fact, it’s serious I stand by it It’s so fucking easy to have a hit nowadays Techno, for instance What do you need to produce a techno hit? A beat and a hyped-up American. That’s all! The beat And here’s the hyped-up American to liven up the party Okay, got it! They’re all in the club What then? And the worst part is you liked it, admit it You were already “How’s that song called? I like it.” Reggaeton is another genre I hate with all my heart How insecure are rappers? I meant reggaeton performers Well, rappers too They’re so dumb they sing about their stuff They make up things like: I travel all week Across the Dominican Republic I fuck your sister All week long And we love it! We’re all like “I’m gonna do you because this guy is loaded.” And she, “Yeah, do me, because he’s really loaded.” Of all the genres, the one I hate the most the genre I hate the most is banda music Since it begins, with that trumpet it’s as if you were stomping on my balls Hate it! And tell me. Why are there like 300 fuckers on stage?
All of them playing the same, wearing exactly the same, doing I see them and can’t help thinking about their tailor “Oh no, here they come You gotta be kidding me.” The tall one, the fat one, the short one the built-up singer All the bands have one The fat one, the other fat one, the other fat one The old guy who’s certified the band’s authenticity I hate that. All bands have their own old guy who says, “Banda La Chaquetosa, the authentic Mr. Rodríguez band.” And there’s his photo Mr. Rodríguez is a very old guy They take his picture like this so his hearing aid won’t show And he’s trembling The man can’t do anything They give him a drum and some cymbals for gigs “Sing the chorus, man Just sing!” And there he is, singing, “Never saw it coming!” Never saw it coming Never saw it coming Never saw it coming Never saw it coming And four songs later, he’s still singing that “Never saw it coming!” He’s deaf. But there’re another 300 guys onstage, so no one notices You just see a guy doing this “Just look at Mr. Rodríguez go He’s still got it.” It’s what I hate the most about those bands The launch their single, they launch their video In the video, there are those 300 guys playing And the singer greeting the fans As the camera gets closer, he And then, “Yes! Banda La Chaquetosa! Here we go! One, two, three, four!” And he starts singing the most chauvinist song ever Come on, buddies! Shitloads of pussy Shitloads of ass Shitloads of pussy Shitloads of ass Some ass here, Some ass there Pussy here, pussy there Pussy here, pussy there Your ass is my favorite Where I put my Some ass here, Some ass there Some ass here, Some ass there Some ass here, Some ass there Your ass is my favorite Where I bury my Some ass here, Some ass there, some ass And it’s a big hit Song’s a big hit Turns into a anthem to chauvinism Then you see guys partying to the beat of shitloads of pussy, shitloads of ass Cheer up, girl Yours is my favorite, where I put my dick But when your mom crosses the livingroom singing, “Shitloads of pussy, shitloads of ass.” “Not you, mom!” “So what? It’s catchy Mr. Rodríguez still has some catchy tunes.” Yours is my favorite! It’s what I hate about those guys They hit big. Shitloads of videos on YouTube Tour all over the country Shitloads of dough, shitloads of pussy, shitloads of ass They launch their next single Everybody’s waiting for it They launch their next video And on this video, there are no longer 300 guys playing There’s no party The singer is alone in a bar, in a 5-minute soap opera Barba Azul Records presents And there’s the guy in the bar, saying, “Bartender…” He can’t act worth shit, obviously “Bartender pour me another one.” And the bartender, who Obviously, it’s Mr. Rodríguez He has to be in the video And Mr. Rodríguez goes, “Listen.” He can’t act either “Listen Mr. Ortiz As a matter of fact you look quite drunk to me.” “I know, bartender It’s exactly what I want I want to forget her.” And the music begins The singer approaches the camera, and starts bawling! Then he looks at the camera, and You left me You made me suffer You abandoned me You were mean to me– Of course she left you, man She heard the first song You were dick-crazy Shitloads of pussy, shitloads Of course she ditched you!
SHITLOADS OF GIRLS SHITLOADS OF ASS Fucking stupid country No, I’m not kidding We’re really screwed up in many aspects We’re still homophobic There’s homophobia in 2018 It’s 2018! And it’s always the same guys The same motherfuckers They have a huge horse here on their shirt, so huge it must be fed I never got why they have a number here “Oh, look, he’s number 3.” They’re always the ones with the homophobic comments “Dude, it’s not homophobia–” Of course it is “Dude, it’s not homophobia, but dude, you know? Dude! How can a man, dude…? Get it? How can a man…? How can a man kiss another man, dude? Come on, dude Dude, it’s not homophobia, but dude, how can a man, you know, how can a man suck dick?” You drink Bacardi, you fucker! Give me the choice between Bacardi and dick, and I’ll have dick, thank you very much That shit gives me one hell of a hangover And the excuses homophobic men use to justify their homophobia are like, “Dude, the problem with gays, dude, it’s that gays are too promiscuous, dude Gays always want to have sex with other gays.” That’s a huge lie! If it were true it would make perfect sense Two horny men wanna fuck all the time? No problem Unlike women, who “Buy me a drink first! Me and my girlfriends.” She shows up with 15 girlfriends One of them, a fat one who drinks like crazy Who’s actually the only one who wants to fuck And there you are, working for it, buying drinks for her entire Whatsapp group I love some Whatsapp group names I know I’ve asked this before, but this time you’ll see why I’m asking Do you have a Whatsapp group? What’s it called? ‘Soldiers of Love’ “Didn’t you just adore Mijares’ concert, girls? I say we call it ‘Soldiers of Love’!” D’you have a group too? What’s it called? ‘Intense Twerking’, good Okay, ‘Intense Twerking’ What shall we call the group, girls? What is it we like most? What am I getting at? Why am I asking? I ask so you can relax Whether it’s ‘Soldiers of Love’ or ‘Intense Twerking’, relax I asked the same question during a show in Mexico City “Do you have a Whatsapp group?” “Yes.” “What’s it called?” “‘Up the Ass Virgins'” Your Whatsapp group is called ‘Up the Ass Virgins’? You begin to imagine what happens when one writes, “Sorry, guys. Arturo was very persistent.” Rebecca just left the group “‘Intense Twerking’ doesn’t have a problem with that, though May I join your group?” It’s very idiotic to be a homophobe It hurts so much when a celebrity dies It really hurts. Three deaths in particular hit me hard Because they die in threes, don’t they? Three hit me very hard David Bowie died Prince died Juan Gabriel died! That one really hurt Nobody saw it coming We went to sleep, and the next morning Juan Gabriel was gone. What? A clear case of ‘you don’t know what you have until it’s gone’ We couldn’t care less when he was alive We made fun because he was fat We shared memes of him saying, “I’m looking for an admin.” That video where “Look at him fall.” Then he dies, and… huh? Juanga! Weird stories began surfacing Over a year after his death, weird stories are still popping up Like those magazines we all say we don’t read in the checkout lane, you see the cover and go, huh? Alfredo Adame, what now? What did Alfredo Adame do now? I saw a headline that said, “More and more alleged children of Juan Gabriel dispute his will.”
And I went, “What? Juan Gabriel had children?” What the fuck went on during those nights? “What the hell, I’m straight, let’s do it.” And the next morning, “My mouth tastes like pussy! What did I do yesterday?” A big hand for the Juárez Divo, wherever he is It does hurt So many people die So many die Yet still Yet still, there’s one motherfucker who hasn’t, although he’s allegedly had cancer ever since he took office His term is almost over! Six years with cancer and he won’t die! I won’t name him, for security reasond. Just kidding It’s evident we’re talking about Quique Quique’s hated equally by the whole country “Why doesn’t he die?” Don’t you sometimes feel like sympathy? You see him and go “Come here I’ll give you a hug!” He inspires sympathy He never gets anything right Greeting Obama and Canada’s Prime Minister He does everything wrong Follow him on Twitter He’s hilarious Whatever he posts, even if it isn’t about politics He’ll post something like, “Congratulations to all moms Have a great Mother’s Day.” First reply: “You don’t have a mother, you son of a bitch! Bring us back our 43, you fucking murderer!” He’s so dumb we even accuse him of things we’re not sure he did I think back to the morning after the 43 went missing, and wonder what happened in his room They walked into his room “Enrique Enrique Quique Enrique!” “What? What, what? What did I do now? What now?” “This is complicated The thing is You tell him.” “Good morning, Quique The thing is They’re saying out there you had 43 students killed in Ayotzinapa.” “What? Shit, no, hold on! I didn’t kill anybody! I was here, ask Gaviota I was here Right, Gaviota? Gaviota, come on, tell them! I didn’t do anything I don’t even know where Ayotzinapa is You’re just being mean.” He’s a joke He dropped his birthday cake What the fuck? He dropped the cake on his birthday What’s the most humiliating thing that could happen on your birthday? When they make you bite the cake, right? Have some cake! And you stumble blind to the bathroom, while everybody wishes you a happy birthday The most humiliating, unless you have a fat cousin who goes, “No! No biting the cake He can bite his own slice Why ruin the cake with the kid’s face? No, let him bite his own slice.” The typical paranoid aunt “No. No biting the cake Let me tell you why You smash his face in the cake, he gets meringue up his nose, it goes up to his brain, and he’s left a vegetable I mean it It’s no laughing matter It’s called meringue disorder ‘Meringitis’ He’ll get ‘meringitis’ Unless there’s one of these two characters present, your face gets smashed into the cake. Very humiliating If it’s the most humiliating thing to happen on your birthday, Quique went one step further! He dropped his cake before the entire country He dropped it before a country! For those who haven’t watched the video, he wasn’t having the best birthday of his life He’s cutting his cake, while eight natives are celebrating behind him One thing, just one thing I get along great with natives I’ve got nothing against them Ask anyone of us, just anyone. If they ask, “Hey, pal, come here! Who would you rather celebrate your birthday with? Your usual buddies, your friends, your brothers, or eight native people?” We’d all reply, I mean,
even the natives would reply, “With my native friends, thanks.” So here’s this man cutting his cake while they sing He cuts the cake and He drops it! The dumbass says, “That’s what I get for not reading three books.” It’s a fact Our president’s a dumbass He sticks his foot in all the time And still, you hear people speaking of other things, like, “Dude, I’m gonna tell you how it is, dude The problem is Tuca Ferreti’s gonna coach the national team What he achieved with the Tigres The asshole who’s coaching the team now doesn’t know shit Tuca Ferreti will take us to the fifth match.” Get your head out of your ass, you motherfucker We’re talking about what a dumbass of a president we have, and you say Tuca Ferreti’s gonna coach the national team He’s gonna coach the national team No, man! Tuca Ferreti shouldn’t coach the national team Tuca Ferreti should coach Mexico, the country Not that I worship Tuca, but for those who don’t know the Tigres’ coach, he’s a hard-working person, but rather temperamental I think if that guy was the president’s boss, he’d only screw up half the time So the day he dropped his cake, instead of, “Get out there Enrique dropped his cake”, Tuca would’ve said, “Fuck, Enrique! It’s just a cake! Here, I’ll teach you how to hold it Horizontal. Vertical Can you tell them apart? I’m 64, I’ve had fucking prosthetic surgery, and I know how to hold a fucking cake!” Yeah He’s an idiot Our president is nothing but a reflection of our society Our society is quite stupid For instance, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Mexico’s the only country who’s pissed off a pope There was no record of that We’ve never had someone come and tell us, “Pope Bergoglio is famous for getting angry.” No way! There’s no such thing And where did he get angry? Here in Mexico In Morelia For those who didn’t see the video– Come on, how do you make Pope Francis angry? He’s the coolest pope The hipster pope He drinks frappés all year long He skateboards into church “How you doin’, kids? Ready for mass? Did you read this week?” He’s the coolest pope I don’t know if you’ve ever attended one of his masses It’s not a conventional mass In others, the priest comes out The usual show Maybe some smoke comes up from behind No biggie, no big show A Pope Francis mass is a different story First the lights go out You hear a voice that says, “Hands down, iPhones up! The coolest pope is about to appear So if you want to welcome the coolest, hipster pope, raise your hands for Pope Francis.” And he appears Pope Francis! Pope Francis! The crowd goes mad “Here you go, kid!” And people yell They made that pope angry For those who haven’t watched the video, Pope Francis is greeting people in his usual way He’s greeting people, and a woman gets too excited, and begins to tug at his clothes Persistently She tugs so hard that she ends up pushing him, and he falls on a kid in a wheelchair The pope gets angry, evidently He gets back up, in the video, gets back up and starts yelling at the woman, “Don’t be selfish! Don’t be so selfish Everybody’s in line,
but they’re not tugging They’re all very orderly And you know why? There’s something called organization And if you don’t know what that is, you can go f–” Okay, that didn’t happen I apologize I made up half of that I also made up the mass I’m sorry I got carried away The only true thing here is the lady angered the pope, and he told her not to be selfish It made us all laugh It was very funny We all had fun, except for one person The lady who angered the pope To this day, she’s sitting in her livingroom “What’s wrong, Maru?” “Nothing, nothing I just pissed off the pope Other than that, nothing.” Think about it If you anger the pope, you’re screwed You can’t call him up Tuesday afternoon and go, “Hey, Fran, what’s up? I apologize about Morelia I got carried away Alright, talk later.” If you wanna apologize to the pope and you’re in Morelia, this is what you do You take a flight from Morelia to Mexico City, and from Mexico City to Rome There are no direct flights to Rome, so you’ll stop at Amsterdam or Madrid, and from there take a flight to Rome At the airport, you take a cab to your hotel. You take a shower From your hotel, you take a cab to Vatican City, and Saint Peter’s Square, which is where he grants audiences You wait until the general audiences finish, which is when he goes out to greet the people, you stand at the front, and that’s your only chance Pope! Pope in Morelia! Sorry about Morelia I’m sorry! He doesn’t hear you and walks on Pope! Pope, sorry about More–! Pope! Francis! Pope Francis! Jorge! Jorge Bergoglio! Jorge Bergoglio! But he doesn’t hear you You’ve done everything to reach him So you tug at his clothes, but very lightly Only to get his attention And as soon as he turns, he yells, “You again? “You again? Don’t be selfish, man! You’re making my life miserable! Miserable!” This huge country is a stupid country, and it all boils down to education. You’ll say, “It’s all education’s fault!” Education’s got a lot to do with it, though The entire educational system is built to drive us mad Remember when you were in school? Weren’t you stressed? Didn’t you suffer depression? Didn’t you have a bad time? What was your escape? You’re a kid; you don’t have one As an adult, you think you have one Drinking is an escape Smoking is an escape Even sex is an escape You’re at the office and a woman’s yelling, “Fuck you! I want everything in a folder, well filed, in my mailbox or you can all go to hell!” She slams the door The room is left in silence A silence interrupted by a guy who says, “Dude, that chick needs to get laid.” Eventually, somebody comes and fucks her brains out, and it’s exactly what she needed The next day she arrives like this. “Good morning, everyone! How are you this morning? I got you all Mickey lollipops.” Kids have no escape They have to deal with it full-time I had an epiphany in traffic, had to stop at a light And I realized that because I turned, and there was a kid in a park, jumping up and down I was staring at the kid I was looking at him prancing, and I started getting stiff– I’m kidding. I’m kidding! Kidding, kidding, just kidding It’s a joke! This is a show No, seriously. I was looking at the kid, jumping, and this muscle here looked so good that I got a boner Not true Okay, okay Last time Last time Seriously, I saw the kid No, this was that was That was truly the last time No, I mean it I came in the tissue, tossed it out the window And I promise that was the last time No, seriously I was telling you Seriously I watched the kid, prancing around, and thought, “Wow!
I really respect this guy He just gave me the best climax.” Okay, okay, okay No, I’ll get serious I was watching the kid, seriously, and I went, “Wow, I really respect this guy He deals with daily pressure With bullying, homework, teachers, tests, and his only escape in life is to do this.” That’s why they lose it Put yourselves in their shoes Remember school? How horrid. What was fun about school? Nothing. What class did you like? Phys Ed? Because Phys Ed wasn’t a class Phys Ed was 50 minutes of this “Come on, teach! Let us play soccer! Come on! Let us play soccer!” Even the girls were like, “Yeah, let them play soccer Alright, coming!” And first in line, the energetic lesbian “Yes, allow us to play soccer!” You went out for Phys Ed, that’s physical education, which is about your body You went out for Phys Ed, and the teacher was overweight He was like this “Come here, you guys.” That was the worse part He had all day to lose weight The whole day to do some actual physical education, but he chose not to He had first, second, third period to do it, but no “Come on, kids. You’re gonna do this exercise One! Two! Three! Fifteen reps, please One, two, three, four, five Martínez, please Six, seven, eight Put away that phone Nine, ten.” And you’re like, “You do it too, fucker! You fucking need it more than us!” “What was that?” “Nothing! We just wanna play soccer.” That was the worse part Sports that are not sports Someone please tell me where is the physical effort, where’s the sport, where is the physical education when you do this? What is this shit? What is this? I could do this show doing this and wouldn’t break a sweat Let’s switch to this side How am I doing? We were doing this like morons And we had to change sides Fifteen, sixteen Sheer idiocy Have you seen Chicharito Hernández scoring, and the announcer saying, “Excellent goal by Hernández What style! But let’s take a look at the video of the warm-up that led to this goal. Let’s watch.” And they show Chicharito in slow motion And the coach going “There you have him That’s how Javier Hernández makes sacrifices for his team Just look at him!” You’re at the gym, and you turn to the guy next to you “What is it, man? What’s wrong?” “I just did 40 of these.” Makes no sense Music class Another useless class. What was it good for once a week? With your fucking recorder You did two songs in one year Three. ‘Frère Jacques’ Three: the National Anthem, the Ode to Joy, and Frère Jacques That was it And you didn’t even learn them right What good was a fucking Yamaha recorder–? What good was it? And no one ever progressed The class was so bad that– In Math, there’s always someone who’s good In Physics too In Phys Ed, as well Not in Music. You never saw anyone who “Wow, he plays with just one hand.”
“Andrés, can we take classes with you?” “No, bro.” Have you ever seen a León Larregui interview where he’s asked, “Tell us, León, how did Zoé get started?” “Zoé? Zoé started in third grade with a Yamaha recorder.” ‘Course not! That’s never happened And the pressure kids are subjected to They must deal with that all the time Put yourselves in their shoes You were there What was your escape? You left school all anxious Where did you escape to? You watched cartoons in the morning, all happy-go-lucky, commenting on the cartoons, and out of the blue came an announcement “Alright, children, you can all go home Have a nice time, have fun Except you, Lalo Why don’t you come with me? I have some video games you might like at home.” And you heard And all of a sudden, Chabelo is there! Out of the blue! He said something like I dunno, something like, “Tell him to go fuck himself.” So the kid came back, and he went, “You know what? Go fuck yourself, dirty old man.” And Chabelo came back too, saying, “Well done, buddy Well done. Remember you’re worth a lot.” What was Chabelo doing there? What would happen if the kid said yes. “Shit, he said yes!” The thing with this ad is we all saw it and understood I got it, it was very clear And at the end Chabelo said something like, “Careful!” I understood, it was clear Not for everybody, though Unfortunately, some kid must’ve said, “What? The guy’s saying he’s got video games. Come on! You idiot!” To really impact a whole generation, there should’ve been a version where he said yes A 90-minute version An hour and a half “Wow! I got the one where he says yes!” An hour and a half. The whole process of this disgusting perv coming up to the kid and asking him to come with him “Alright.” The guy in the car asking the kid what he liked The whole disgusting process when they got home “What will you have? Juice or soda?” How he came on to him So you had to see the whole thing, ending with a close-up of the kid screaming The scene freezes and Chabelo appears “I told you so, buddy.” “You didn’t want that Right, buddy? Careful!” And you’d go, “Alright, got it What the guy in shorts said It’s perfectly clear.” The thing is you push kids to the limit, to the max That’s why they lose it This is something that’s happened in every school If not in yours, in a friend’s very likely If not, ask a friend It’s happened in all schools Eventually there’s a boy and/or girl, a boy and/or girl, who craps all over the bathroom wall This is totally true The guy who did it in my school took his crap and wrote FUCK THIS SHIT on the bathroom wall What was going on in his head that day? Who did he need to talk to, and what about? In the middle of a class How did he plan it? What was going on up here? The guy was sitting in class like this “Ma’am? May I go to the bathroom?” “Of course, Felipe.” “Thank you, ma’am.” “As soon as your classmate comes back.” “Ma’am, he’s back Can I go?”
“Of course, Felipe.” “Thank you.” Fuck this shit! What happened? What did he do after he finished his crap Pollock? Did he stare at it? Fuck this shit! Now you know! “Thank you, ma’am I’m back Someone else can go to the bathroom now.” No, Felipe! You’re doing it all wrong! If you meant to attack the system, don’t crap on the bathroom wall Teachers won’t clean it up The janitorial staff will And you see the janitor going, “Fucking kids. Why do I have to clean this up?” What I mean to say by this is how screwed up can the system be to push a kid to do this kind of crazy stuff? In Mexico, fortunately, we’re a bit less violent There have been incidents, terrible tragedies, but it doesn’t happen all the time In the US it’s like hobby They may criticize many things about Latinos We’re ‘bad hombres’, we steal, we want to get into their country But there’s one thing they can’t say about us Of all the shootings they’ve had in schools, the shooter’s never been a José Pérez, saying, “Here you go, motherfuckers! Take this, you bitches!” Never. Ever We Latinos are less violent about our vengeances We’re more like, “I’ll crap all over the bathroom wall.” By this, I mean you push a kid to the boiling point That’s why they lose it I say we Mexicans are more laid back A kid who’s had it punches his English teacher That kid is discriminated He becomes the school psycho Let’s call him Alexandre Alexandre, okay? “Fucking Alexandre Alexandre hit the teacher.” All the teachers gossip “What? He slapped her?” “No, with a closed fist Kid’s crazy.” And the kids hear the gossip “That’s Alexandre, the one who hits girls We won’t play with you, Alexandre Because you hit girls.” So Alexandre has to see a therapist because of this, and he’s treated like the mad kid in school who hit a teacher But no one empathizes with him No one gets into his head We all have some Alexandre in us We’re all that kid That’s why let’s take a trip into his head. Come with me Let’s get into Alexandre’s head so we can understand him Are you with me? Yeah WELCOME INTO ALEXANDRE’S HEAD It all starts on Friday after school Alexandre leaves school very excited. “Yay, it’s Friday!” His mom tells him, “We’re going away for the weekend.” “Yay! Great! I haven’t gone swimming in a while.” Alexandre packs a bag, grabs his swimming trunks “Where are we going for the weekend?” “Pachuca.” “I’ve never been to Pachuca Let’s do this.” Poor Alexandre There’s traffic on the freeway “Mom, I’m tired.” “We’re all tired.” They arrive at the hotel Alexandre groans “I’m so tired.” “Stop that. Go see if there’s a pool.” “Yeah!” He runs off to see if there’s a pool There’s a water hole this size He sticks his foot in “It’s cold!” “Stop whining, Alexandre Let me tell you something
Nobody comes to Pachuca to swim In Pachuca you go out and see all there is to see Los Prismas, the Clock, the “pastes” All the things you do here All the activities there are here.” Let’s face it There’s not much to do in Pachuca For instance, something very important to me Is there Uber here? You still don’t have Uber? What? But you know what it is, right? Just kidding Last time I did I show here in Pachuca, I realized during the show there was no Uber here And I went on about Uber this, Uber that When you drive for Uber, or you take an Uber, and the audience just glared And I went on, Uber this, Uber that, and suddenly a guy stood up looking angry “Who’s Uber?” And everybody started going There was a Phil Collins song I wanna know Who’s Uber I wanna know Why he carries them all I wanna know What he does I wanna know Alexandre spent the weekend in this town He didn’t have a good time He was all the time like And then it hit him. “Why didn’t I bring my Math homework?” He doesn’t do the Math The weekend comes to an end They go back home. Lots of traffic on the way back He complains, his mother tells him to stop Alexandre gets home at 2 am, stands by his bed, looks at his bed, looks at the Math book, and says, “I’d rather jerk off.” And at 6:30, a bare four hours and a half later, a voice wakes him up saying, “Alexandre! Alexandre! Your brothers are ready for school. You’re not even up.” And he wakes up, totally disoriented, to have his banana milkshake By the time he’s up, the milk has separated from the banana Poor Alexandre stirs it to mix it again And his mother’s there, holding the blender “Drink some, so I can pour what’s left.” He never understood the blender system There was just a puddle left, so “Go ahead, mom, pour me the rest.” And out came six glasses full Poor kid’s stirring, and gets it all over himself Alexandre’s aware they’re not washing until next week, so he knows he’ll sleep with rotten milk on his shirt for the next seven days This is when our character begins getting upset He goes back to his room, gets into sweatpants, can’t find tennis shoes, puts on dress shoes He rushes out to the car and as soon as he sits down, his brother says, “Alexandre’s wearing sweats with shoes.” “What are you wearing, man? You look like whats-his-name with the silver tooth Estrada Estrada, that’s it You’ve been hanging around too much with him.” “What? I’m nine I don’t know about fashion.” “Sweats don’t go with shoes, Alexandre.” So off they go They get to school, and before going in, there’s always this guy bugging everyone Always there, outside, going The prefect “Ironed trousers, combed hair Please, guys, you know it’s not me, it’s the principal.” Fucking brown-noser The guy starts bugging Alexandre, who’s already quite riled up First person he runs into, his Math teacher, who says, “Alexandre, guess what I need to talk to you Guess what Guess what, you flunked You flunked Math You got a 5.8, and that’s not a 6, Alexandre Unless… yeah, 5.8 Unless you bring the special homework I gave over the weekend Have you got it?” “Let me explain, sir. We were in Pachuca over the weekend.” “Please, Alexandre, no one goes to Pachuca for the weekend Make up a better excuse.” So poor Alexandre sits back down feeling like crap, and the guy next to him yells, “He’s wearing sweats with shoes You don’t wear sweats with shoes.” There’s hope for Alexandre, though There’s Sonia, the girl he likes
He’ll go up to her at the break and tell her how he feels So he walks up to her and says, “Sonia, can I have a minute of your time? I wanted to talk to you because I like you very much I’ve been thinking about it over the weekend I had a lot of time to think on the weekend A shitload of time on the weekend When I say a shitload, I mean truckloads of time. Anyway The thing is I like you a lot, and I wanted to ask you if you wanted to be my girlfriend.” And that bitch Sonia, the bitch replies, “I’ll tell you on the next break.” And poor fucking Alexandre, imagine his state of mind He looks like the guy from ‘Men in Black’ who has an alien inside him Utterly possessed While he waits for Sonia’s answer, he has one of those 2-hour classes, where the teacher has written it all down on the blackboard Everything written down “Come on in, children, come on in, come in Put down your pencils and pens Don’t write anything down Just pay attention to my explanation When I finish my explanation, you’ll have time to copy what’s on the blackboard You bought it, you assholes! You bought it! I don’t give a shit because I’m fucking crazy.” And everyone’s like “Hey, he betrayed us.” Alexandre goes through one of those useless periods Sonia, Sonia When he finally goes out on the break, “So, Sonia, did you have time to think about it? Do you want to be my girlfriend?” And Sonia goes, “Yes, Alexandre, I thought about it, and the thing is I like another kid from fifth grade, who doesn’t wear sweats with shoes.” So Alexandre says, “Okay, fine, this is how this day will go Fuck it. I’m gonna buy some Cheetos for the prize.” His bag of Cheetos, though, don’t have a prize All the other bags have a prize, but his don’t And Alexandre’s like, “No, no, no.” A kid walks up and says, “You don’t buy Cheetos for the prize Everybody knows that Get Sabritas with lime More prizes than chips Please, Alexandre, stop hanging out with Estrada Estrada He’s toying with your mind.” Alexandre has had it “Fuck it! Everything’s gone wrong today I’ll go have a good cry.” And as soon as he swings the door open, there’s his teacher saying, “Alexandre? Alexandre, I’m so glad I caught you I need to talk to you Guess what, Alexandre Guess what You flunked English Yes, Alexandre You got a 5.9 And 5.9 is not 6 The Math teacher tells me you also flunked Math And other teachers tell me you don’t pay attention in class, and you harass the girls What’s wrong, Alexandre? Don’t you care about school? Or are you just lazy?” There you go, Alexandre! Finish her off! Don’t just hit her once! She’ll never get it You just spent a weekend in Pachuca, Hidalgo Thank you very much! I’m Ricardo O’Farrill You’ve been a great audience! Thank you! Translation: Ana Cecilia Lagomarsino
Say the SAME Subtitles www.subtitles.com.mx