Where we talk about fight, flight or freeze response, relationships and hormones 🌸🌸

If she falls for material things, the moment he loses those, she is gone yes, exactly that is why she was there If you cannot give that security, then nowadays that is enough to say that this won’t work there are enough women who actually say this If he cannot give me certainty or security My name is Philip (multi media specialist) Together with Handan (sex , love and relationship coach) we want talk about something interesting about how women have been harassed & confronted for the last years, weeks maybe days by men we were talking about this yesterday And we thought we should do a Zoom call about this Because this is some extreme stuff, why do guys do this? And you Handan, sometimes we talk and you tell me things that I find really bizar But you really experience this I think that a lot of women experience this And I find it quite funny that you find it bizar I am a man to approach a woman is a big thing for men For a guy, you do that or you don’t it is like an art, with the pick up lines you have all kinds of methods, you even look in a certain way stupid things like: hey do you want to have a drink? It is really a thing for us men Is it really a thing for you guys? Because it does not look like it I can understand that the funny thing about it is that a lot of men are really bad at it men can become weird, creepy, extreme dangerous, scary all kinds of stuff like that sometimes I think, how does this come across to women like simply, you are minding your own business , your walking and then some f*cking weirdo comes in front of you and says: ‘huh …you smell so good’ or a weirdo who asks if he can give you a hug, like what happened to you Or when you walk through ‘de Poort” I have talked to more women about this and they say, yeah if you walk through the ‘de Poort’ on a certain time, well actually anytime there will always be somebody whistling there is always somebody saying something you can’t walk through ‘de poort” as a female and not be harassed Well… I don’t really, because you are talking about the Amsterdamse Poort in the Bijlmer When I am there I don’t really have that, but I have some kind -gestures- how can I say it it is an example, it could be anywhere Central Station, Leidseplein, Wibautstreet Yeah, well the thing is that the reactions differ with the place where you are and as a woman it differs how you look in the sense of did you do something with your hair are you wearing high heels flat shoes and sometimes those things don’t matter at all P: but isn’t that bull shit just think you are getting ready and you already have to be aware that you cannot look too much, too good Because then you can get these bull shit, these weird confrontations, I mean… that is not a life…? Well, what I would do is wear a long coat when I was wearing a skirt P: you were hiding yourself Yeah, well when you are at Central Station, you don’t want to get harassed So a lot of women go with a car You really don’t want even the chance to get bothered by somebody following you P: but isn’t that fear? the fear of I don’t want to have confrontations with men I don’t want to have weird situations, so I will avoid them So I rather go by car, because it is not safe to be in the metro

and some weirdo starts talking to me Yeah, you have to take on an attitude, say you are looking really nice You are wearing a short skirt and high heels then you have to take on the attitude, don’t come closer So you have to stare in a certain way while you are in a very good mood you have to do the bitch face P: so every women has to have a BITCH face Well you almost have to… because you don’t know what will happen I have tried also differently, that was quite funny P: can You do a ‘bitch’ look for us?? Me? I am not so good at it that is a bit of a problem I have… I can’t really do that face I just look the other way but what is interesting, I tried to be very friendly, say hi or at least to smile at people because when you give a smile, you get a smile back So I thought.. I am just going to do that that really did not work at all P: that did not work, because these guys thought you were flirting because for guys.. smiling means flirting we don’t understand that H: there was this homeless guy a clochard or something and I thought… this is what I did myself you can talk about the ‘law of attraction’ or whatever well, not in this case P: well it is funny that you say this there is only attraction what is the opposite of attraction? But is that, the long coat, the bitch look and looking away? you are repelling all the time H: well you know, in the Netherlands it is different In the Netherlands you can look people in the eye and go on Still it is okay I know when I am in Turkey And I would be walking in the street and would look in the same way men in the eyes I would have a problem You would have somebody behind you there it is much worse than Holland P: only with eye contact H: yeah, right away with only eye contact when you even look at somebody from 10 metres away You as a woman, just mind your business you look forward, you don’t look around, you are not being slow, you have a goal I always say this to friends when they visit in Turkey this is how you look, this is how you do, when you don’t want somebody coming up to you… that is it don’t mess no messing around, look straight … maybe even look 60 degrees down Exactly, you can look up, just don’t look somebody in the eye well, not any men.. women you can, men don’t well, without a doubt this happens all over the world this also happens in the Netherlands, we live there, we speak Dutch personally I think, that it should stop.. it cannot be that men and there are enough men looking maybe they think it is bull shit what you are saying… than make a comment below I personally think that the way I approach a woman should make that she starts wearing a long coat or even make that you get a certain look that means that I basically scare you, that should not be the intention, my intention, we don’t want that H: I don’t know if we can do it another way what I always find special is How is it possible that the men that I encounter say.. that does not happen says that is not true is it really that bad? and every woman you speak is living in this reality? I sometimes I don’t understand… so which guys are doing this then? who are the guys following women? some guys do mean well P: exactly… as a man you know what you are doing Sometimes I have the idea that men are doing this as a joke to be funny

I also thought, one time… a guy was looking at me I see him approaching his girlfriend is in front of him So I think, you know what, I’ll keep on looking also You know, you look at me, I will look at you also I won’t look away he passes me and on that moment the moment he just behind me he puts his hand on my butt Then I thought… πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ and what do I do now Start fighting?… no P: there are a lot of women who would do that women who say: stay away from me and then you are also considered crazy So then you would start a fight… you know what he does? he looks at me and I look back I challenge him that is how I see it he keeps looking and the moment he passes me that is his moment to this thing with which he shows P: he shows’ I have more power, I can do this’ I am stronger so any next time this happens I think let it be I don’t need that kind of interaction P: Yesterday you mentioned really quick that it is with guys a fight or flight reaction so this guy is going for the ‘fight’ what you see with men… that is how I see it now what I am understanding now Is when we get into a hard situation something happens we get into a fight or flight reaction we all have that when there is a something that makes that we have more emotion we go into fight or flight P: just to be clear, with fight you go for the fighting flight means that you run away you don’t confront the situation what a lot of men do, testosterone based they go for the fight because otherwise you are a bit sissy or you run away P: what about when men start laughing about the situation, jokes, do as if it was nothing guys do something and they get a counter reaction men say: you are over-reacting, is that also flight mode? you run away from it you are not admitting that you did that not man enough like: yes I did this, I am sorry if you did not like it instead of: it is not true, you over react I think what you are saying is challenging the reaction that you are giving see it like this if your emotion is fear or you feel that emotion that something bad is happening then you go fight or flight the reaction that you are giving is the reaction of a grown man who can take responsibility a lot of men are not yet in acting like an adult and then when you look towards women this is something that men can have too also fight or flight… but then also freeze and then there is another, men can also do the freeze but what women can do very strong is work with you P: and this is what I find very interesting yeah.. so something happens they call it: fight, flight, freeze or befriend so befriend means: I am going to do as if I am friends P: that is pretty extreme It is a survival mode So when a woman is in a very difficult situation fighting.. you know.. your not strong enough your strength is not enough even a guy who is smaller, can be much stronger if you can’t run away, your stuck you only have two options freeze or befriend

and with men.. the third or fourth option we don’t really use that because we choose for flight or the fight we don’t really use the other options H: well you could do ‘freeze’ So freeze is in situations when you get assaulted or rape so you choose to ‘freeze’ or just go on a guy is then thinking.. she must like this H: what happens when you get assaulted what a lot of women do is they go in shut down and this is very interesting you detach from your body you just leave what happens to you and then you see the woman being awake again, getting in her body and she doesn’t even know what happened P: at that moment you left your body you freeze I want to challenge every man.. because we cannot really understand this we cannot see what this contains for a woman that is why it is so important H: you know what happens the moment just imagine you are dating a woman with that experience she has been raped, assaulted and just imagine one in three women 50% of women if not even more have been touched in ways assaulted raped and it is a lot of women and you are dating that person and you enter in a sexual relationship then you almost know for sure that she can detach my body, but just leaves P: then you could be the nicest guy on earth, but it won’t work a lady like that has to go to get back in her body, she has to process your body brings you back to those situations, memories that is why sex is so profound and has to do often with safety safety and sexuality are very linked together P: as a man you should understand this and it has not anything to do with sex that when you approach a woman, in the way you talk, you give a little safety what is also interesting when a man the reason why as a woman you want a man to be bigger stronger that is because of the safety he can provide P: that is what you imagine that is basically something that a woman wants from a man that is why women say: this is how tall he should be he has to be strong, those kind of things P: strong arms, big hands it is all very basic about trust that a woman can trust this guy can be trusted would you say that a woman wants this of her own man, so she is safe and guarded Safety and assuredness that a woman wants the assuredness and safety can go so far that you expect that a man earns more money it is very interlinked with each other P: this is so interesting it is not about being really good in bed it is not even that important

it almost has nothing to do with it H: it has so little to do with it, mean think just think: if you can provide with safety and assuredness which she won’t let in that easy because it means opening to show your feelings P: showing your vulnerability H: yes vulnerability but this is scary imagine you have encountered something when you were a kid when you then were vulnerable and most of the time it was a family member a person you trusted and it was sexually misconduct that is that is so deep that is so deeply hurtful that when you encounter someone when you in adulthood it is really hard to change those feelings P: what would you say that is good? as a man you are in a relationship you get in a situation what can you do as a man? I guess this is the challenge for men it is about consistency that you are there, trustworthy and when she has certain emotions women have a lot of emotions throughout a month this can vary from very happy to very sad you want to be that rock P: so when the emotions are there, you as a guy need to be steady, linear she has to stay in that flow she can then become really emotional she can be also very happy what is for a man because it can change like the weather P: πŸ˜€ so happy that you say this H: when I am explaining, I can feel shame P: really? H: yeah, because I understand that a man finds this hard to understand You know, I have a brother and it is just so different being a woman is just emotions are following each other without it being extremely horrible, it just is P: it just happens as a man it is hard to understand a man needs a reason to get a shift in that line as a man you want that it stays steady something has to happen for it to go down or to go up as a man, something would happen, you can set it aside.. forget we woman we take everything with us everything P: so that means you encounter something and two years later this emotion can manifest yes very possible H: you can be triggered by music, when somebody says something a color, a smell I don’t know.. it could be anything! and what is also interesting, is a lot of women nowadays very special they want to hide she hides what is really going on a lot of women try to act sexy, but they are not learned behaviour so they learn to walk, stand, to do in a certain way that because you know that you get attention P: that attention fixes an emotion the attention makes you feel loved P: and that is what you want H: it is what you want but a lot of women cannot make the distinction from who you get it P: okay exactly, so that means you also cannot shut it off you look like that for the whole day

every man that sees you yeah… you put make up on for I guess yourself? or for that certain person that you want to look good for? but all the other guys that see you also H: women.. and now it is going to sound weird you want to look good for you outside world for other women not only for men but also for women that you can stand out that is why it so important to have so much clothes, have a different shirt, never wear the same thing twice that is how women communicate to the outside world I find it so different, as a woman you have a certain idea why you do this through the years I am trying to understand this better If a woman is looking beautiful, this means that it is not for you we men think, she looks so good, because she wants my attention no not really.. if you are not her boyfriend it is not for you personally she does do it, so she is seen if you are her boyfriend, she would do it for you P: if you see 3 ladies looking very good, as a man that is like a main course you can’t take your eyes of them, you have to look at them, you have to do something H: that is a really manly way of thinking she just thinks: look at me that is nice then she will show you when she would want you to approach P: How? This is the interesting part this is in her look, her eyes how she turns her body how her feet are pointed P: okay okay interesting you were telling a story where you were walking towards a guy he makes eye contact, you make eye contact, you are sitting in a bar you are in a bar and from three women there is one who is looking as long as you were with this guy earlier is this enough reason for me to approach her? does she want me to approach her? Because she looked at me longer than 30 seconds If she does not do it like I did to try it out then it is really an invitation I would see it like that P: so… why can’t a woman just go towards a man and say: hey good looking.. why don’t we have a drink together (this is actually a good pick up line πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ plain, but good) then it is clear, then we know, you want to have a drink with me You came to me, you are a nice chick H: of course she can do that but what you are doing because it is kinda funny and you can do this very much fun to do it see what happens P: you have to be sure of your self I have the idea, when women do that… it always will turn out good 8 out 10 times it will be okay H: it depends on what you want the outcome to be do you want a one night stand, do you want a longer relationship what do you want P: just a normal drink? because that is what we men want (H laughs) we men want to have a drink we want to talk to you hear your story and it depends on how nice that is and it could also be, that we don’t have a click then we men just leave but if there is a good click, we can just go on so it can grow but we can just have a drink, I get to know you… and maybe that is it H: That is possible There is not an exact way to do something the only thing is, what I think andI see that I am maybe a bit old fashioned I think if I would approach somebody then you take a certain role

which is pretty funny but I would not take him very seriously for me it means that I go in my action side but i don’t want to be in my action mode what I want the most is surrender that a guy can ‘carry’ me If I give myself or I surrender and this may sound a bit strange then the guy P: take over H: yeah, then the guy can take over, show his masculinity if you turn it around you turn the polarities around which is a possibility But then I have to be always in the action action is perfectly fine when I am at work, that is what I will do then I don’t wait until a guy comes to me if I am in my free time then I don’t want to be in that modus when I do that then I won’t take the serious anymore P: wow basically it is hypocritical because you are saying: mean be active be in your active side then we are… and 9 out of 10 times it is wrong but you do want it of course not all women You want the guy to be the hunter if …..if he is the right guy but 9 out of 10 times he is not because then you are a creep and weird H: no no, what men do is they hunt every thing and that is also not what we want he just does hit and miss as a woman you want to be seen you want to be seen, you want to be special you want that somebody sees who you are and if everything is interesting that walks by a guy like that, you don’t want and this is tricky women are looking say you are standing in a night club she is looking at how you do and react seeing what you do P: observing and then if she likes you, she will give you a signal But say if you already have looked at 5 different women then as a woman you must be very desperate to say: I will go with you I would never do that P: I can remember the nights at Paradiso where you wanted to be with as much women that was your mission when you were around say 18? To go towards as much women as you can that was a good night H: when you are 18 it is different then 28 or 38 years old P: your a bit older so you aim is more accurate H: yeah.. well quantity versus quality I hope I hope guys get out of the quantity thinking and think it is about quality I myself believe that sexuality or sex is only good is the best when you are with good quality P: quantitaty sex is basically porn it is volume H: yeah it is volume Do you want that or do you want something else? P: what you are saying also is, men are not so skilled in giving quality looking for quality well it seems that they don’t really think about the small things while women say my friend she buys small things that is when she shows me she taught of me when you have a relationship, you want that that guy is thinking about you most guys think, if I work, I have done my thing

I don’t want anybody bothering me and women think, I wish you would have thought about me because I thought of you also those are the apps you get what are you doing You want the guy to that, that he texts you without him claiming you.. you don’t want that also P: men do think about you, but then in a different way H: I guess this is what women do not understand HOW how do you think? P: exact, so if you don’t sent me a message, you did not think of me that is the train of thought H: also when you don’t bring a gift you don’t do little things whatever small things It is like proof that I thought about you H: You also can’t do it too often too much it is just pretty complicated P: let’s just go back to the moment that you are in a club females are observing they look around then you get a ‘signal’ from a woman and then and then you can go and approach her I find that very vague what is the signal what is it that a woman does? what is it I think I am really bad at it H: it is her body language eye contact how long you look at a man sometimes short glances how she turns her body mostly it is how she keeps her body P: so she turns her body in a certain way that she shows her breast… do I see it like that? πŸ˜… it is not so much showing of breasts but more the turning of her shoulders P: I have to look at her shoulders? H: This is so funny, I think he saying this very straight she also can turn her body, but her feet are pointing to you P: But this shit this is so uncomfortable H: but if you get that, then she is not that interested P: you have to look at the chin and the shoulders H: shoulders and feet… then you see difference that gives ann opening P: can’t we make an infographic with all the different postures? with a yes, no… yes, no medium interested super interested then we men can understand a bit more H: every woman does a it a little different some are shy some are not shy some are are wearing something really nice sometimes you have an evening where you want do fun things You want to say stupid stuff this is the hard part females are not always consistent you are looking for consistency which is not there P: okay so it is not there but as a mann, I don’t like that women have to go through confrontations, assaults I don’t like it, that you that as a man this is for me personally the reason why I won’t talk to a woman on the street I won’t walk up to a woman because I do not want to be like that group of men H: yeah… but than you should do it another way without it okay imagine I have had this also that somebody harassed me and a guy offered to help me P: the rescuer H: that is so nice at that moment you can fall in love with that guy just because of what he did P: you have to be the rescuer looking for the weirdo

stay in the neighbourhood until they do something crazy and thenn you say: hey.. stop doing that H. then it could also be that she likes him it is not that easy what I find interesting you have these short videos of these gold diggers gold diggers then I see these videos that when a guy has a nice car and then the woman says yes, because of his car P: yeah.. the first reaction is a no, you are a freak… but then she sees the car he stands with the car and she says… oh how nice, what is your name but then it is clear, you are a golddigger you go for the material things H: for me those videos are so stupid because when a man does that showing off his big car and a woman reacts to that? and you find that strange? so that means that when he has a car .. it means he is rich? so he can give that piece of security H: yes exactly he can give you security he can take care of you that is what you see with a car H: yeah, that is what you see with a car P: but it is not correct i mean maybe he borrowed it and here it goes wrong with a lot of women in the relationship between men and women if you fall for his material things the moment he does not have it… she is gone that is why she was with him P: when you cannot give the security then nowadays it is enough to say, hey this is not working there are enough women who actually say this if he cannot give me security if he cannot give me safety then I am gone even if it is a nice person good character loving no security and safety… then it is sad H: what you will do as a woman is take care of him, but then you become his mother instead of his lover and you don’t want that P: why can’t it be because what people want is partnership what you do is… you hunt for the ultimate partner the one that has everything but isn’t partnership that you grow towards the ideal and stable situation? you never have that in the beginning H: my parents are already 53 years together they are now so good with each other in the beginning it was not like that totally not so many weird things now they are really good together now every body is saying: wow that they have been together that long! it grows through the years P: it is a process… isn’t it that we don’t have enough patience we are not very clever with it when a woman says: a guy has to have this and that i get that you don’t want to be in a situation that you have to take care of him and you become his mother you don’t want that P: but that taking care of you have to do that anyway not as a mother, but as a partner but then you are scared right away.. you don’t want to be his mother taking care is part of the relationship if you take care of a man, he will take care of you and the other way around H: that is a different way of taking care of

you take care you love him you are there for him he loses his job for a while and you take care of course you bridge that gap as a female you do that too the thing is that it is not forever that you always have to take care of yeah.. you do need patience P: and you sometimes need help with that external factors when 3, 4 or 5 years pass and you take of him as a mother then you have to do it different men can be really easy with the situation and then think: ow you have done this one year, she can do it two years… if she has done it 2 she can do it 5 years and if it has been 5 years like this, why do you want to change H: this is also interesting a lot of men, not all men It is not even really thinking it seems like an hormonal reaction almost testosterone works in a way when you have a goal, you go for it if you do not have a goal, you just sit on the couch… like who cares? and then combine it with a woman who takes care of you fine the thing is… that your body will produce less testosterone you have less drive to do something and not so sexually motivated what happens then, not always, so don’t pin me on this Then he will look towards other women… to raise his testosterone again, he goes in search of dopamine porn is a high dopamine producer drugs, not talking about weed for example cocaine dopamine raiser P: because a woman says when a man is missing something in other words, the sex is bad.. the man is missing something he is just missing something that is the reason for a man, to sleep around, because you miss something with me as a woman but what you are saying what he actually misses is dopamine women should not be focused that a guy is well fed , the house is clean bathrooms are clean, all things like that but you really have to look for dopamine H: yeah.. but it is a little different… it is like a scale testosterone is your most important hormone only now you even have 30% more testosterone than me you can translate this in drive, more drive than me as a woman I don’t need that much testosterone although, testosterone feels also good for women gives us also drive and focus and if we win, we also raise our dopamine levels dopamine works closely with winning, gaining If a man becomes like a little prince, everything is done for him then he does not get enough testosterone and dopamine As a man you need novelty (women also) and drive to raise dopamine & testosterone if you do not have focus or a goal… it won’t work as a woman you could be, so beautiful like Halle Berry P: Beyonce the guy will cheat on you at that moment you can be Beyonce and the guy still cheats on you because this is the thing

this is also very challenging if he does not have focus if he does not know what to do in this life as woman you can do what you want this is again interesting let us stop at that people can ask you questions? people can go to Amsterdamtalkssex.com there they can read blogs we have more blogs now you can read about things I am specialising on hormones now, which is really interesting how hormones lead us and it happens with me also in a relationship I do also things while it is my hormones how I react that I can become so emotional so hormonal and then one thinks I am such a strong woman that even is not important P: it explains a lot, do you have more questions are you in a relationship? Reach out to Handan (love, sex and relationship coach) thank you