2020 Primaries & China’s Coronavirus Mask Shortage | The Daily Show: Global Edition

– Welcome to “The Daily Show: Global Edition.” I’m Roy Wood, Jr., host of the award-winning “CP Time.” And in honor of Black History Month, Trevor has asked me to introduce the show But before we begin, some news out of Spain, where authorities have shut down an international criminal gang that trafficked in stolen cardboard So now if you want a huge amount of cardboard, you’ll just have to buy something from Amazon Thanks for somehow shipping me that wristwatch in five separate boxes Here are this week’s headlines ♪♪ – Let’s kick it off with the big news: Equifax Some people know them as a credit reporting agency Others know them as a player hater that stops you from buying your couch Well, you may remember that they were at the heart of a massive data hack and now we’re finding out how it all went down – Good evening It was one of the biggest cyberattacks in history, stealing the personal information of nearly half of all Americans, from our Social Security numbers to birth dates Now, in a stunning announcement, the U.S. Justice Department is accusing a branch of the Chinese military with the 2017 hack of the credit rating company Equifax – The Chinese team hid their tracks by using 34 servers in nearly 20 countries The FBI believes China also hacked Marriott, the U.S. government’s personnel office, and insurance giant Anthem as it builds a massive database on every American – That’s right– China is allegedly stealing people’s private information to build a massive database on every American And you know somewhere right now Mark Zuckerberg is like, “Back off, China, that’s my thing.” But seriously, though, I don’t– I don’t understand this Like, China is beating the U.S in everything now Why would they steal Americans’ information? Unless it’s just to rub it in everyone’s faces, you know? It’s just like, “Ha, ha! I know the answers “to your security questions Your first car was a Kia? What a bitch!” What’s even weirder is that they say China also may have hacked Marriott And, I mean, I get credit agencies, insurance companies and the government, but why are they hacking hotels? What, are they just gonna tank the U.S. economy by adding charges to the minibar? Is that what they’re doing? No, ’cause let’s be honest– like, everyone is just three Toblerones away from bankruptcy We’re out Those minibars don’t play And I know some people are saying that China’s doing this so that they can steal Americans’ identities Yeah, but if that’s true, the joke’s on them, because half of Americans are in debt, yeah So if the Chinese steal those identities, it’s gonna backfire It’s like, “I am Bryan Taylor now.” It’s like, “Okay, Bryan Taylor, you owe Verizon $400.” “Nooo!” All right, moving on to some education news Every public school struggles to raise money for its students and teachers But a fundraiser at one elementary school in California might have backfired – Disney sent a $250 bill to a California elementary school after it showed last year’s remake of “The Lion King” at a PTA fundraiser On Thursday, a Berkeley elementary school received a letter from Disney’s licensing agent and the letter ordered the school to pay the money for screening the movie last November without a license – The Disney place wanted some money because they own, like, all of the movie – They showed the movie that they own, so they want the 250 dol– Well, kin– They kind of want the $250 – Oh, no, young man Disney doesn’t “kinda” want the $250, Disney’s gonna get the $250 Yeah, right now, somewhere Yoda is like, “My money bitch better have.” So, yeah, Disney sent a $250 bill to an elementary school for showing “The Lion King.” Meanwhile, the producers of “Cats” are giving $250 to every school that shows their film “Please, play the movie, play the movie. Please You can use this instead of spanking the kids.” “We’re not monsters.” Now, I’m, like This is what’s get I’m sure there are many schools in America that play Disney movies and don’t get busted So what I want to know is Who snitched? Huh? Is there, like, one kid who had one of those toy phones that calls Mickey Mouse directly and was just like, “Mickey, I got some valuable information.” Mickey was like, “Oh, oh, I’m on the way! I’m gonna break some kneecaps!” It’s like, who is this kid? All right And, finally, Valentine’s Day is just three days away So, first of all, if you were planning to break up with someone, too late Now you have to wait another week But if you’ve already been broken up with, here’s a little gift you can get for your ex – Valentine’s Day fast approaching, and we have the perfect idea for a very unique gift for a way to get back at an ex The Bronx Zoo is once again letting people name a Madagascar hissing cockroach after their partner That gift’ll only cost you 15 bucks If you’re looking for a way to feel better about a recent breakup, zoos in San Antonio and El Paso, Texas, will name a cockroach after your ex Then– check this out– you can watch a livestream

of that roach being fed to an animal – Really? (audience hooting, cheering) Really? Man, I feel bad for the cockroaches They can survive a nuclear war, but they can’t survive Alan and Janet’s Saturday at Ikea? Really? And I’m sorry, but anyone who does this deserves to get dumped They deserved it, yeah Because you clearly don’t know how to deal with your feelings It’s like, “Melissa thinks I’m too emotional? Well, I’ll show her by making a cockroach die.” Also, what a cumbersome way to get revenge on your ex Like, because they won’t know it happened Right? Unless you tell them It’s not like they’re gonna be somewhere, like… (gasps) “Oh, no. A cockroach with my name just died.” You’re gonna have to call your ex and let them know what you did Is that the plan? Just be like, “Guess what, Susan? “I named a cockroach after you, then a lizard ate it.” It’s like, “Uh, okay, Greg I just had my third kid with the guy I left you for.” “Okay, so– so we’re both good then “Huh. Three kids? Okay, bye Hello, Bronx Zoo? I need three more cockroaches, please.” Also, can we admit that this is a scam that the zoo is running? Buy a roach from them and they’ll kill it? No. You can just find a cockroach in your own apartment, yeah, name it after your ex, and then start dating it All right, that’s it for the headlines Let’s move on to our top story (music and cheering) New Hampshire– it’s the state always asking Vermont to do something about the weed smell But, today, they were the state holding the second Democratic primary And because, normally, the most exciting thing to do in New Hampshire is watch mountains grow, Election Day gets the people going like nothing else – After months of campaigning and millions of dollars in TV ads, it all comes down to this, voters here in New Hampshire already heading to the polls – Overnight in New Hampshire, the first votes were cast in the Granite State As they’ve done for decades, the tiny town of Dixville Notch went to the polls at midnight – We were in Exeter, New Hampshire, at the town hall there It was beyond capacity – People have been coming in here all day They’ve been lined up since 5:00 a.m. this morning – They vote for sport here in New Hampshire – I voted for Warren – Steyer – Why? – He’s cute – No, he seems like he can tackle Trump – I voted for Bernie – Um, I voted for Amy Klobuchar – Tell me why – Uh, I actually went in and eeny-meeny-miny-moe’d it – You’re kidding me – No, between two candidates – Literally, in the booth – In the booth – Whoa! Eeny, meeny, miny, moe? That’s not how you should pick your potential future president, although it is how the president picks his spray tan shade for the day He’s like, “Eeny, meeny, miny, moe “Ooh, crème brulee Sounds fancy So fancy.” So, New Hampshire voters spent the day carefully deciding who they want to be the Democratic nominee But, of course, none of the votes matter if they aren’t counted correctly (fake coughs) Iowa Luckily, according to state officials, they’ve got this thing under control – New Hampshire Secretary of State Bill Gardner, he told us he slept well last night and today’s voting will be simple and secure – Keep it simple Keep the moving parts the smallest number you can – Could this be hacked in any way? – You can’t hack a pencil – How many apps do you have involved in this process? – Oh, oh, we don’t have any apps involved in any of the tabulating or the counting – No apps – No apps It’s an app-free election – You can guarantee that? – Yes – You know, it’s funny how, a few years ago, people were like, “Guys, we need to vote with our phones It’s the future.” But now, thanks to the disaster in Iowa, it’s like, “We’re going back “to how our forefathers did this, okay? Everyone gets one rock and we put it in a jar.” “Yeah!” “Then our slaves count the rocks.” “What?” “Oh, too far back? Too far? Sorry, sorry Too far back.” For more on New Hampshire’s big day, we go now to our correspondent who is live in the Granite State right now, Michael Kosta, everybody! (cheering and applause) Michael, you’re on the ground in New Hampshire What is the energy like? – Hey, Trevor, I am not gonna lie Today’s been pretty stressful for the Democratic candidates In fact, Joe Biden was so tense, he gave himself a surprise massage You know what I mean? – Well, it makes sense, Kosta, because, thanks to Iowa, there’s so much more riding on this primary – Not only that, but the candidates have had only one week to completely change their cultural messaging Because Iowa is mostly white people, but New Hampshire is mostly white people – Kosta, I don’t– I don’t get the difference It sounds like both states are just a bunch of white people – Wow, Trevor, “just a bunch of white people”? That is so insulting First off, it’s not a bunch The collective noun for white people is a gluten of white people

And, second, white people are not a monolith We are a rich tapestry of ethnic diversity Let– let me show you on my Caucasian color wheel, okay? Now, see, the the New Hampshire white people fall here in the eggshell section, while the Iowa whites are all the way over here in the oatmeal cream section – Uh, Kosta, that’s just basically a blank circle – (stammers) White is not blank, Trevor Zero is not nothing “Free to go” is not “innocent of all charges.” Although you do– you do hear that a lot when you’re white I mean, how– how would you feel if I said there was no difference between black people in South Africa and black people in… (stammers) What’s another country with black people? – Well, there’s this one – (stammers) Thiswan? I never heard of it But I’m sure Thiswan is a beautiful country! – Okay, look, Kosta, I’m not saying there’s no difference I just don’t understand how the candidates campaign differently in New Hampshire versus Iowa – It’s a totally different ball game For– for example, in Iowa, you can say, “It’s great to be here in Iowa,” but that’s not gonna fly in New Hampshire – Yeah, you’re right, that does seem like a challenge – And then there’s the voters Remember, you’re talking to very different groups of people Iowans are rural, while New Hampshirites are not urban, okay? Iowans… Iowans are blue-collar, but New Hampshirians are working-class Plus, Iowans call it pop, and New Hampshirinos call it soda They’re– they’re basically different planets – I don’t know about that, Michael A lot of people don’t agree with your assessment For instance, how would you respond to the criticism that these predominantly white states aren’t the best states to kick off the primaries? Because these candidates could be starting in a more representative state of the country, like– like California or Florida – I hear what you’re saying, Trevor, and yes, Iowa and New Hampshire are white, but hear me out They’re also boring as hell, okay? And that’s what we want We don’t want our candidates going to fun states, like Florida or California If you got to spend a year campaigning in Miami, everyone would be running for president But if you’re willing to spend a year eating bland food in subzero temperatures, pretending to care about how big a pumpkin is, that’s how I know you really want to be president, okay? And that’s why the road to the White House has to go through here, Des Moines, Iowa – No, Kosta, you’re in New Hampshire – What? Eh, who cares? These places are all the fuckin’ same anyway – Michael Kosta, everybody We’ll be right back – Welcome back to “The Daily Show.” It’s February, which is officially Black History Month And we’re celebrating all month with Roy Wood Jr. honoring the unsung heroes of black history in another episode of “CP Time.” (mellow jazz playing) ♪♪ – Ah! Welcome to “CP Time,” the only show that’s for the culture Today, we’ll be discussing black explorers Now, I know when a lot of people think of explorers, they only think of white people Like Christopher Columbus, Lewis and Clark, or that twitchy lady that drives the Magic School Bus But what many people don’t know is that black people have also been instrumental in discovering new lands We just don’t get any of the credit Like how I discovered the Dougie, and no one gave me credit I was covered in spiders, and I was just trying to get them off me (hip-hop playing) And on my head (music stops) Our first black explorer is a man by the name of Matthew Henson– the first man to reach the North Pol, in 1908 It was an incredible feat, not just because he discovered the North Pole, but also because he was a black man who wasn’t afraid of going head-to-head against winter The only place I would want to discover is Miami ♪ Party in the city where the heat is on ♪ Another black explorer who doesn’t nearly get the credit he deserves was an enslaved man named York In 1804, he joined Lewis and Clark on their famous expedition across North America, making him the first black man to travel across the U.S. continent York was a vital part of the expedition In fact, he was so trusted, he was even given his own gun Which was a risky move on Lewis and Clark’s part: giving a slave a gun You know what you call a slave with a gun? Master Interesting fact: after the expedition, York requested his freedom from Clark, but Clark denied him, because he realized that without York, he would just be another white dude lost in the forest

(whispers): like a bitch And finally, black people weren’t just tagging along with white people on these expeditions, they were also making history themselves Like Abubakri II, the ruler of the Mali empire In 1311, Abubakri set off on an expedition westward Eventually, he landed in Brazil Abubakri met the native tribes there and made peace with them, and even ended up marrying a chief’s daughter, a quest that many men know all too well Traveling to distant lands for new booty ‘Cause them local girls are too familiar So the next time you think about explorers, remember not to just give credit to white men who discovered places people already lived– Columbus But also give credit to those of the more melanin persuasion who have explored the world Like my Uncle Bebo, who, in 1990, traveled across the country searching for the Dairy Queen with the best Oreo Blizzard And we haven’t seen him since That’s why every day I honor my Uncle Bebo my eating one of these We’re gonna miss you, Bebo (grunting) And I’m back Well, that’s all the time we have for today, I’m Roy Wood Jr., and this has been “CP Time.” And remember, we’re for the culture! Somebody get me some hot tea to balance out this cold (music and applause) – Roy Wood, Jr., everybody We’ll be right back – Welcome back to “The Daily Show.” The New Hampshire primary gave life to Bernie, Pete, and Amy Klobuchar But while the New Hampshire giveth, it also taketh away – The race is getting smaller as of last night’s results We did see the suspension or termination of presidential campaigns by Andrew Yang and Senator Michael Bennet – Tonight is not gonna be our night, but let me say this to New Hampshire You may see me once again – You know I am the math guy And it is clear tonight from the numbers that we are not going to win this race We’ll be back soon – Yes! – In the meantime, though, thank you all God bless you and God bless the United States of America! – I’m not gonna lie I don’t get why candidates always say they’ll be back when they know they won’t (light laughter) Now, I know they don’t want to seem like a loser, but why not just be honest, you know? Why not just be like, “New Hampshire, you guys are never gonna see me ever again.” Like, it’s the same problem with movie villains Even when they’re falling off a cliff or a building, at the end they’re like, “I’ll be back!” No, you won’t No, you won’t Like, it would be nice if they were honest Just like, “You and your family are safe forever.” (laughter) But even though he’s gone, Andrew Yang did leave a lasting impression on the 2020 race Right, his plan for universal basic income made a big splash And it even had an impact on the real world You see, he gave several families $1,000 a month for a year to test out his plan And we sent Ronny Chieng to find out how it went (Chieng) Yesterday, Andrew Yang dropped out of the 2020 presidential race, and I’m a little sad about it Last year, I met him in person, and there was just something about the guy that made me trust him Not to mention, I really wanted that free money he was promising – Every American adult at the age of 18 should get $1,000 a month free and clear from the government to do whatever they want – Making it rain! It’s called “UBI,” or “Universal Basic Income.” And although the dream died with Yang’s campaign, a few lucky families did get a thousand dollars a month for a year as a test program, like the Fassi family of New Hampshire – Uh, basically, he gave us a check for $1,000 a month from January until December 2019 – We went to his New Year’s Eve party, and so that’s how we got our first check was at midnight – He wrote a check and gave it to you physically? – Yeah, and then after probably three months, he was getting really busy – He forgot about us – He forgot about us – What? He didn’t he didn’t pay on time? – Yeah – Yeah, it was very odd, sending out a message like, “Hey, you owe us money.” – So you guys were like, “Hey, asshole, where’s my free money?” – We said it much much nicer than that – Oh. “Hey, asshole, where’s my free money?” (laughing) – Basically (Chieng) So how hard did Chuck and Jodie ball out with that $12,000? Did you buy a Tesla, buy a snowmobile, buy a Tesla snowmobile? – No, we spent 90% of it on our daughter’s college tuition – College tuition I guess that’s pretty good Uh, what else? – Spent a little bit on groceries, buying some healthier choices Kombucha and some, uh, soy yogurt – Isn’t yogurt and kombucha for shitting? – Uh – Digestion – It’s for digestion – So now that the money stopped, you must be pretty backed up, right? (laughter) But luckily for Chuck’s colon, he was so inspired

by his UBI experience that he learned how to brew his own kombucha (seal pops) And it is potent Cheers. What is it? It’s a big blob of bacteria that’s been sitting in some fermented tea in my bathroom for about six weeks – Bathroom juice aside, these people spent their UBI on college, groceries, and paying bills What a bunch of idiots! It’s like they don’t even know what flexing means You guys could be in head to toe Supreme right now Do you know what Supreme is? – No – No – Fuck That’s how you flex to your neighbors and make them jealous That’s what money’s for Okay, Chuck? Okay, Jodie? But believe it or not, balling out is the last thing on most Americans’ minds Half of American adults say they can’t even cover an unexpected $400 expense Clearly, if you give people $1,000 a month, they would spend it on necessities– with a few exceptions What else did you buy? – Um, I took improv classes – Chuckie joined– So I’ve been doing that for the last eight months – You took improv classes? – Yeah Mindful Improv classes – What the fuck does that mean? – It means we do self-appreciations, we do vulnerabilities – (disgusted groan) – Um, it’s taught by a yoga teacher – Ugh! Oh, my God Andrew Yang may be out of the presidential race but his ideas live on, and Americans deserve a shot at universal basic income Well, maybe not all Americans – How you doing? – Hello – Oh, I lost my hand! – I hate improv ♪♪ – Ronny Chieng, everyone We’ll be right back – That’s it for “The Daily Show: Global Edition.” Before we go, some troubling news out of China, where fears over the coronavirus have lead to a global shortage of protective masks That’s why I wear this protective mustache on my face Stops germs getting from in, and sometimes soup gets stuck in there too And I get a little afternoon snack for free