IL VIGILE ALBERTO SORDI CON SOTTOTITOLI IN INGLESE! ALBERTO SORDI FILM WITH ENGLISH TRANSLATION!

Amalia, he’s here Weren’t you supposed to be here at 6 this morning? No, I start my rounds at 6 And then you stop in every pub for a pint Mind your own business! Can’t you let people do their job in peace? Go get my half a litre of the oil with the red label. Got that? Yeah Here you go, 20, 40 and 50 Give me another 100 lire, I wanna get 10 fags as well There. And don’t stop to talk to anyone because I’ve got the pot on the fire Stop telling me the same stuff all the time! I know what I need to do Look at this hazard Taking up the road again, are we ? What are you playing at smoking by gas pipes? You’ll blow up the whole street Hey, that’s my cigarette! Stop being a nuisance to people trying to work! Get out of the way, go on Be careful. The flame will ruin your eyesight and nobody will fix your eyes for you afterwards Is China up in arms? Forget about China and sort your own life out There’s 600 million Chinese and they’re like ants If they take up arms, what will the rest of us do? I’ll carry on working as an accountant You’d better watch out, though, because they’ll make you do a job Was this made in 1909? Don’t you like it? Not the colour, it’s a young man’s car You can’t drive a car like this, you’re too old Here we go I’ll do it, back you go Keep going, you’ve got space keep going…stop! Damn! You should have stopped when I said so Look what you’ve done! Who asked you to stick your nose in? It’s not my fault you don’t know how to drive And now you’re leaving! Come give us a hand, at least! It’s too late for that now. You need a tow truck Morning Remo Hi Dad Is that a 500 ? No, 150 Wow Slowly, slowly, don’t do 2 tasks at once like your mother does First squeeze the carburetter Ok Now tighten the screw Dad, you’re confusing me! – Have you finished? – No Get a move on then Good morning Biancone, how’s the boy doing? Is he applying himself? He’s a great kid. It’s a shame certain adults aren’t like him Let me give it a spin, Remo I can’t, the customer’s coming Are you afraid I’ll crash it? Don’t you have anything to do? I need to get oil for your mother Well go get it then! Are you trying to be smart? Go easy, be gentle!

Motorbikes are like ladies, they need to be treated well and with delicacy Good morning everyone Let it go, Ote. How do you want the oil? You choose Maybe whoever did that thinks they’re funny but they’re not because blowing raspberries is degrading for the person who does it, not the one on the receiving end What do you care, Ote ? But what I’d like to know is why I’m always the one on the receiving end and no-one else You should know Perhaps you think I’ve got a below average intelligence But I say you’re judging me too superficially And this isn’t a threat, but one day you might find yourselves regretting it Here’s your oil, Ote Anyway, I know each and every one of you and what you look like And I’ll tell you one more thing Mind your step Good day Bye Good day everyone Try it again Thank you, the next one’s on me Hey Remo, are you done, shall we go home? Did they blow you raspberries again, Dad? You heard, huh? It sounded like thunder. Is it because of that gown you’re wearing? What, my dressing gown? Nah! Why didn’t you fight back then? I knew you’d ask that. You’re too young to understand When you grow up, you’ll realise that when someone offends you, it’s better to bide your time than retaliate straightaway But you’ve been biding your time for 4 years Deep down you blame me for not doing anything in these 4 years but for a man like me, is it harder to work or watch others working? To work Well even if you’re right, I’ve still got a clear conscience and I’ll explain to you why. Are you listening? Yes Dad Let’s go back to the concept of the motherland. Can you tell me what the motherland is, Remo? – No – Well I’ll tell you The motherland is that thing that calls you up to fight, serve and risk your life for it for 11 years like I did Then when the wars are over, they take away your uniform and send you home without a job And what do you do for food without a job? You steal. And if you steal, what does the motherland do? They arrest you Do you want your father to go to jail? – No So I say “Beloved motherland, give me a job!” If I turn it down, afterwards you can throw me in jail like the Russians do Otello! Ote! Come and help me unload I’ll help you, Nando – Wherevs your husband? – He’s gone out He’s never here when I tell him to wait and give me a hand to unload But if I help you, isn’t it the same? No Amalia, it’s not the same and if you weren’t my sister, I’d have killed that loafer by now Why do you always have to argue? You keep out of it! Post, madam Sign please – Do I need to sign? – Yes, it’s recorded delivery It’s from the council, they’ve taken my husband! Have they arrested him? No, they’ve given him a job! What great news, he’ll be so pleased Bring me a chair, I wanna see his face when you give him the letter Ama, what’s going on? Ote, there’s good news for you Show him! Show me what? Your time’s come at last, here What is it? I’m so happy, especially because of all those people always making fun of you and humiliating us so much Are you talking about me? Yeah, you too, Nando. Sorry, you’re my brother but much as I love you, Otello’s my husband and you’ve made him suffer for so many years. And I’ve suffered in silence too What about me? I’ve had to swallow my pride so many times Now you won’t be able to say he lives off me because he won’t work Well it’s about time he did some work, we’ve been waiting long enough! But who says I’m going to work? Oh God! What are you talking about? Haven’t you read the letter? No, what does it say? We are proud to inform you that you have been accepted into employment as a city worker in the capacity of labourer at the general market Labourer’s a good position and pays well too Putting to one side the question of money, can you explain to me what labourer means? It means manual worker. You get up at 3 in the morning and at 4 start unloading And what am I supposed to unload, may I ask? Everything. sacks of potatoes, boxes of fruit, ice blocks The ice is cold, especially in winter What, don’t you wanna do that? No, I didn’t say anything Too right, you’re lucky to get a job as a labourer Really? And who should I thank for this nice job you’ve found me? Because I applied to join the police force, not to unload lorries It’s written there, can’t you read? This position has been granted to fulfil the wishes of your heroic little boy And who might this heroic little boy be? Me. Do you remember when we went swimming this summer

and I saved that kid who was drowning? The city councillor’s son? Yeah, on the last day of school, the mayor came and made a speech and at the end he said, “Are you the one who saved the city councillor’s son?” I said yes and he shook my hand and asked me “Is there anything I can do for you?” And what did you say? Give my dad a job because he’s really desperate to work I’ll put this in the back room and be right back You’ve been offered a good job and that’s all there is to be said See, the motherland’s remembered you, Dad! Don’t sit down at the table with those filthy hands! Go wash them! No! It’s not his fault! Don’t take it out on the poor boy! I’m his father and I’ll give him a smack if he deserves it It’s easy to be a hero, jump in the river, save the city councillor’s son And how does he reward himself afterwards? He sends his dad to unload lorries! Ote, don’t be bitter, I know it’s hard but you’ll have to resign yourself to it especially for my brother What’s wrong? Doesn’t he wanna work as a labourer? Sorry but why should I lie to you, my own family? If it was up to me, then no, I wouldn’t do it! I wore a sergeant’s uniform for 12 years and what am I supposed to wear now? Overalls? What were you expecting? Another war? No chance of that happening That’s a matter of debate, right Dad? Ote, between one war and the next, you need to decide to do something I applied to join the police, didn’t I? But not to unload lorries! What difference does it make? Well why does Paganini play the violin? Everyone kept telling him, “Be a hairdresser!” And he said, “No, I wanna play the violin! And look what happened to him!” That was Paganini! You don’t play the violin If you don’t go to work on Monday, you’re not eating at this table anymore Ok? Are you glad to have a labourer for a dad? Mobilise the firemen and the police! Recruit unemployed workers and send them to the site! Actually, go there yourself! Don’t forget we’re in the middle of the elections What’s happened? The Tevere river’s flooded. That’s all we needed. First, scarlet fever Then the scandal of the urban development plan and now the Tevere’s flooded and all this in the middle of the elections But Mr Mayor, these are matters beyond our control Don’t fool yourself, padre. We’re the ones in office and if the river floods, the communists reap the benefit What do you want? There’s a man asking to speak with councillor Mandolesi Who’s the man? He’s the father of that boy who saved his son I’ve had enough of him! That boy’s such a pain. Tell him I’m not here, that I’m away in Rome and won’t be back for a month Sorry but why won’t you see him? Why? Because I’m sick of them Ok, he may have saved my son, even though the level of the water was low But I think I’ve more than repaid the favour. The mum requests a grant for her decorated father-in-law I waste time, use my influence, ger him the grant On Epiphany Day, I send them a hamper. One’s not enough, they want 4 I send them 4. I think I’ve finished But why do I have to wait a month? It’s a matter of life or death for me I’m the one who’ll have to carry the sacks. Let me talk with the Mayor Look, it’s a really busy period, he’s not receiving anyone and staying in his office until midnight But he still goes home to eat and drink, right? For goodness sake, don’t even dream of going to bother him at home! That infuriates him Listen miss Come on Dad, let’s go Shall we go and wait for him at his house? Seriously, they haven’t stopped hounding me. They wanted a cinema pass and I gave them that They asked the Mayor for a job for the dad and he’s given him one A wonderful job at the general market. What else can they want now? But were they at least grateful for everything you’ve done for them? That’s just it! They’re grateful to me too At Christmas, they sent 5 kilos of meat to my house. I declined it, they send it back We ate it and all ended up in hospital with food poisoning! Excuse me, does the mayor live here? Yes, on the first floor Take this meat and don’t drop it. It’s fresh It’s like the stuff we gave the councillor Do you remember what you need to say to the mayor? No, I don’t remember any of it Come on! Ring the bell and say “Mr Mayor, I’m the heroic little boy My dad is very grateful for the job but he can’t accept it because he’s got 2 pieces of shrapnel in his thigh that don’t allow him to do hard manual labour And why are you hiring him as a labourer, anyway? He applied to join the traffic police as a motorcyclist It’s too long, I can’t remember all that Listen here then, tell him “My Mayor, could you look out the window please Get me to come up and I’ll explain everything. Do you remember that? I hope so Do it right for your old man, remember I’ll be here waiting for you Stand up straight, look heroic for the mayor, shoulders back, chest out! I’ve even been told where the woman lives But I’m surprised you can believe this slander spread by my political opponents Alright then, if it’s slander, swear to me that it’s not true You know I can’t swear, dear, but we’ve got 3 children and we’ve always been united, even through really difficult times Mr Mayor Sorry but don’t you know how to knock? What is it?

There’s a boy here What boy? – Here – It’s me Dad, he’s brought us some meat Ah it’s you, the heroic little boy! I can’t accept meat because I’m the mayor. Do you understand? My dad told me to leave it here Shall I put it in the fridge? No, God forbid! Send it to the victims of the flood along with the used clothing Thank you for the meat. Tell me, what else do you want? My dad doesn’t want the job Why not? He doesn’t wanna work What does he want to do then? He wants to ride a motorbike instead Are you hearing this? And they complain there’s high unemployment I’d lash this lot with a whip if it were up to me Listen my boy…Filomena, show the boy out I’m sorry but tell your dad that I’m not councillor Mandolesi that he should be ashamed of himself and if he comes here pestering me again to try and get out of working, I’ll have him arrested Go on No, first you need to pass the brush horizontally and then vertically Otherwise it leaves streaks How would you like me to pass the brush over your face? Dad – Remo! Did you drop off that nice piece of meat? – Yeah Did he welcome you? He said if we pester him again, he’ll have you arrested Why? Because you need to work Work? Alright buddy! Who’s that? The kid I saved in the river What’s that you’ve got there, a pick axe? It’s lucky your son can swim But you need to learn to swim too because otherwise it’s dangerous not just for you but for other people as well You know my head still hurts Why? He grabbed my neck and was pulling me down too so I hit him on the head Next time I’ll hit him myself only harder – I’m off – Go on then! – Bye buddy – Bye, he’s got the crafty look of his dad, he has You need to tell me exactly what they mayor told you He said he’ll arrest you But did you explain about the 2 bits of shrapnel I’ve got in my thigh? He didn’t let me So your mother was right, you need to get someone as a reference to introduce you to them lot Anyway, let’s go home and look for the shrapnel Mr Mayor, here’s the post. There’s a letter with something very heavy inside it Have you hurt yourself? What is it? A piece of shrapnel Watch out, you could get tetanus. Look how rusty it is I want to know who the scoundrel is that sent me that! Read Mr Mayor, I’m the heroic little boy’s father This is a piece of shrapnel that was extracted from my living flesh This is why I can’t accept hard physical labour What can we do to get that murderous persecutor to leave us alone! Excuse me! Sorry Mr Mayor, Bishop Olivieri’s here Show him in Come in, Bishop My dear, Augusto, are you very busy? I’ve always got a minute for you Well, I don’t want to waste your time, I only need a minute I’d like to introduce you to someone…wait a second Come in! To this fine young man Good morning, Mr Mayor sir But I already know this young man. In fact, we’ve given him a job What more can I do for you? I’ve even hurt myself with your shrapnel And? That’s nothing, Mr Mayor. Just think that I had 2 of them embedded here in my flesh Actually, if you’ll allow me, Mr Mayor, I’d like to show you the scars so you can understand why I can’t do hard physical labour No, leave it, I take your point No! I want you to touch them with your own hands, go on! What! Really, there are ladies present! Pull up your trousers please! Otello, I told you not to take off your trousers in the mayor’s presence! I told him but he doesn’t listen Excuse me madam, you’ve got a say in the matter, look, do you think I can unload lorries in this condition? Leave the ladies alone for goodness sake! Sorry Bishop but he’s made me lose my temper If you don’t want to work as a labourer, let’s hear what you want to do then! Go on I’m really good at driving a motorcycle so I’d like to join the traffic police Wait a second, first tell me what else you can do aside from driving a motorcycle What do you mean? – Can you type? – No – Do you know how to keep accounts? – No Can you file? – No, no, no – Some CV you’ve got! This fine young man can’t do anything and that’s God’s honest truth Well if he really can’t do anything – Do you remember what I told you? – What? That I’m really good at driving a motorcycle We’ll put him in the police then – The traffic police! – Right Get me the captain of the guard. Have you got a clean criminal record? Are you joking? Of course! Not just that but in my family, we all know who to vote for I’ve always been a party member and my wife’s in the women’s club and my brother-in-law’s…easily swayed How much is it? 400 ma’am There you go – Thank you – Have a good day – Congratulations to your husband, ma’am – Thanks Ama, does your husband start his new job today? Yeah, he’s really excited

Dad, what are you playing at! What did you fire it for? You didn’t give the pistol to your dad, did you? He’s a soldier I thought you said the safety lock was on No Dad, this is the safety lock. It won’t fire now, look Shit! With all this chaos, I don’t get anything anymore. I need to get dressed Give me my clothes, you’re all on top of me. Haven’t you ever seen a policeman before? But what do you need that gun for, anyway? Are you mad? If there’s a robber in a sportscar, first you tell them to stop then you fire a shot in the air and then you shoot their tyres That takes way too long, son. Just shoot him straight in the head. If not, he’ll get you first Where’s Dad? He’s getting ready Well? Am I frightening? Dad, you look like a martian to me You look even more handsome than when you were a sergeant! How do you feel? What can I say? I feel like a different person. Stronger, taller Even my voice sounds better and clearer. And more than anything, I feel relaxed Walk around a bit, let’s see you Oh God! Are you slipping? The knee socks are stiff, they won’t bend. Oh God! Ote, what’s wrong? It’s this helmet, it’s weighing my head down But I have to get used to it. I’ll walk up and down and loosen up Ote, do me a favour, do you know Amilcare ? – The coalman? – Yeah Come and give me a massage He’s been parking outside for 20 years, you need to fine him 20 thousand lire He can’t do that, there’s 4 or 5 people I need to get even with What are you talking about! Ok I might wear a uniform that gives me authority but I can’t settle vendettas And anyway, if you’ve got enemies they can wait, first I need to sort out my own ones What time is it? Midday I’m dressed an hour early so where shall we go? Aren’t you gonna eat something? No, it’s better to be light Are you nervous? I’ll make you some nice herbal tea now Forget the tea! Have a nice glass of wine I wouldn’t mind that Why not go and have it at the bar? Why there? That way we can see if they blow strawberries at you again Good idea, come with me Don’t hold me! But I’m afraid you’ll fall over Nah! Sooner or later I’ll need to get used to walking on my own Hey, come back! I was joking What’s got into you? You look like a German Who are you? The taxman from Ambrogi Don’t try and be funny! You lot are back again, are you? Let’s get a move on with this work These holes can’t be in front of residential buildings for long Make sure you use the taillights at nightfall Without fail, constable Good morning everyone! Congratulations Ote Thanks How smart you look! Do you think so? You’re frightening Really? To your career, Ote. May it make you very happy Thank you, to your health and the health of all your customers because I don’t bear any grudges to anyone Goodbye everyone Celletti, it’s your first day and you’re already a minute late What are your orders, lieutenant sir Your area is this stretch of road from Porta Maggiore to Porta Romana It’s quite a quiet road. 2 kilometres away there’s a dangerous bend

called Dead Man’s bend. That intersection can get a bit lively during rush hours You’re only to monitor it Don’t worry, lieutenant sir Shit! What are you doing here? Ote, let us see when you make your first fine Come off it! We’ve been waiting years for this moment for years, do it to please us Get out of here! Come on, I’m on duty, don’t embarrass me What, are you nervous? Go away, go away Make a fine and then we’ll go Move along! I won’t have my own family obstructing the road Don’t force me to sanction you Oh God! Did you take the ball out of your dad’s whistle? No Mum, it wasn’t me What’s wrong? Nothing, I was testing the whistle, go on your way Move along Ote, there’s another one there Good morning, haven’t you seen the no parking sign? Haven’t you seen that it’s from 8 till 2? Have you got your triangle? Yeah, here you go Show me your license, please How come it’s not stamped? The stamp’s on the last page, didn’t you know that? I apologise for both my first and second mistake What’s wrong, Ote, did you get it wrong? Go away, I need to carry out a pursuit Hang on a second What’s wrong? Try now Thanks He won’t get away When’s he coming back? When the iron bar sticks out from the rear of the vehicle it needs to be marked with a sign with white stripes and a red background Bugger off Who said bugger off? We don’t know Are you gonna fine us or what? Move along this time! Don’t threaten me or I’ll get your serial number and report you I told you, whenever you carry stolen stuff, you need to have all those things sorted Slow down! Slow down, you’re at Dead Man’s Bend Slow down! The ground’s slippery Drive slowly, you’re at Dead Man’s Bend! Slow down, you could slide off the road! Ote, did you fall over? Wait till I tell the lads in the bar about it tonight, we’ll have a right old laugh! Bye Hold it right there Nando! Nando, have you seen Otello? Too right I’ve seen that scumbag! What happened? He fined me He did what? I wouldn’t be bothered about the fine but he made me unload and reload all the merchandise Then he inspected the whole van item by item

starting with the indicators, then the dipped headlights, the full beam headlights, the handbrake, the footbrake Then at one point I said to him, “Is this a joke?” and do you know what he said? What? Stop trying to be funny and show me your vehicle registration I give it to him, he reads it, re-reads it, and then he says “But the address on here isn’t legible. Where do you live? The son of a…He’s spent the last 7 years eating, drinking and sleeping at my house and he goes and asks me where I live! You’ve committed a traffic violation, you were turning the wrong way But I stopped when you blew your whistle No, when I whistled, you tried to be clever Can I pull away? No, you’ll pull away when I tell you to You know it’s illegal to sound your horn so why are you doing it? It’s him, he’s blocking the road Stop! Back! Go back! Move on! Get out of the way! I said go back! Why are you moving forward? Back, go back! Back! Get out of the way! Stop! Stop, forward! Move along, come forward! Forward! Stop, back – American? – No, Italian Go back, back you go! Stop! Stop! Move forward all of you Stop! Stop, alright! What are you playing at? Trying to be clever? Come forward you lot over there! Stop! You lot come forward too! Stop! I said stop! Stop! Forward! Stop! Stop! Move on! It’s no use honking your horn, the whole zone’s blocked What’s your game? You’re blocking the road, go back! But can’t you see I’ve got a hearse? Yes but you’re blocking access to the road, so go back! Stop! Look what a mess he’s caused! I told you Excuse me but you’re going the wrong way, can’t you see you’re blocking the road? Amalia, don’t you get involved too! But this bloke’s an idiot Watch what you say, I’ve been driving for 15 years Amalia, go home! Don’t hang around here, it’s all kicking off! Stop! What’s wrong? Can’t you get through? The Via Flaminia is blocked, you’re better off taking the Tiberina road But who’s that policeman? He’s a new on Move along! We only meet for an hour once a week and you can’t even keep that rendezvous It’s not my fault, darling, the road was blocked At least tell me you won’t miss our rendezvous on Saturday at 3, sweetheart No, Saturday at 3 o’clock on the dot, I’ll be all yours The head of the guard, Mr Mayor. Come in See you on Saturday at 3 o’clock then commissioner Of course commissioner, I’ll come with all the files Saturday at 3, pussy cat Sorry commander but how could you put that policeman at the Porta Romana intersection on his first day of duty? Have you seen the mess he created? Sorry Mr Mayor, I’ve already made amends I’ve moved him to a very quiet area where he won’t cause any more trouble Stop shepherd! And stop your herd! Why are you calling it a herd? It’s a flock of sheep, not a herd Show me your red light, please I’ve only got this one This is a white light I haven’t got the red one Really? I ought to fine you because you need a white light at the front and a red one at the back Fine me! Don’t you know who I am? I’m the Prince of Monoscalco’s chief shepherd And the prince told me not to bother with the red light because it just creates confusion Listen shepherd, here on the highway, I’m in charge. Tell your prince you need the red light or else I’ll fine you You have no idea how influential the prince is You’re just a poor man like me Be on your way shepherd before I take measures Hey, there’s a car broken down at kilometre 66 Who cares? Suit yourself but the car belongs to Sylva Koscina

Sylva Koscina? The actress? Yeah Sylva Koscina Good morning I heard about your accident and rushed straight here Thank you, that’s very kind of you. It’s so lucky that you’ve come Otherwise I’d be stuck here Not at all, miss, I’m a policeman, you fall and I pick you up you call for help and I fly to your rescue especially if I’m called by Sylva Koscina in person You’re kind but listen, I’m in a terrible hurry, Mario Riva’s expecting me at 4 for the TV rehearsal tonight I’ll be the guest of honour on the Music Show Excuse me Do they rehearse the Music Show then? Yes Ah I didn’t know that, I thought there was a trick to it Excuse me By the way, how did it work out with that little double bass player? Look, I don’t know a thing about cars. Are you any good at fixing machines? I do have some experience, yes Thank goodness Shall we take a little look? Yes! Will it take long? Why, are you in a hurry? We’ll have this sorted in no time. We’ll give the carburetter a nice little adjustment fill her up with fuel and then the car will start again more easily Tell me Sylva Koscina, is that story about the coffee spoon true? What story? Apparently, you eat soup with a coffee spoon because you’re afraid of stretching out your mouth. Is that true? Soup? With a coffee spoon? But who on earth told you that rubbish? I couldn’t tell you, I think I read it in a magazine actually in that magazine, it also said it’s really hard to get into the Rome cinema studios without a special pass Is that true? What have you done! Can’t you see all the fuel’s pouring out? So what? The carburetter’s full so the fuel’s spilling out. Watch closely, Sylva Koscina Now I’ll connect the ground wires and if you try switching the engine on, you’ll see the effect Put your foot down on the accelerator Couldn’t it be dangerous? Not at all! I’m right here We just needed to connect the ground wires You switch on the engine and the rest will take care of itself Sylva Koscina, put your foot right down on the floor But isn’t it dangerous? No, put that foot down – More? – Yes Like this? Down! Down! All the way down, Sylva Koscina! Get that foot down to the ground Do you hear the engine singing? Oh God! What’s happened? It’s caught fire. These Italian cars! You’ve got money, why don’t you get yourself a nice Mercedes? What! You’ve burnt out the engine! Can’t you see all the smoke everywhere? What are we gonna do now? Give me that blanket please But that’s a gown I bought in London! It cost me 25 thousand lire What’s 25 thousand lire! We need that blanket, come on! What a mess! Sylva Koscina…here, don’t worry! What a mess! There we go, that’s the worst of it out, see? I’ve tamed the fire And what are we gonna do now? What do you have in mind, Sylva Koscina? How can I drive this now! We’ve got good mechanics here in our town. We’ll get you the best Nothing’s too much for Sylva Koscina – What a mess! – Have you got your warning triangle? Yes, not that it’s much use to me! What! Don’t take that attitude, Sylva Koscina, the triangle’s essential You place the triangle so that if someone comes, we can avoid another accident, ok? You place it an appropriate distance away, just here. And now we go phone the mechanic Restaurant Bellavista. We can have a drink too if you like Actually, we’ll have to buy one or they won’t let us use the phone Would you like something strong? Do you mind if I ask you a question, Sylva Koscina? There’s something I’m dying to know What is it? Do I have a photogenic face? Where’s the car? Ah, you’re here at last! We’ve been waiting for you for ages, you know that? Who’s this? I’m the mechanic Sorry but who did you phone? This is a little child Yes but he’s growing fast and he’s really good. He’s my son Actually, if you’ll allow me, I’ll introduce you, Sylva Koscina. Give her your little finger because your hand’s dirty Pleased to meet you What’s wrong with the car? I don’t know, the engine conked out, I stopped, then this gentleman arrived I took a look and then all of the sudden it burst into flames and a pillar of smoke came out. What’s the problem? What do you mean what’s the problem! He didn’t fiddle with the carburetter, did he? Yes – Did he say he’d connect the ground wires ? – Yes – Did you hear an explosion? – Yes He did with me before and blew up a motorbike Really? Yeah Give me the keys

Alright but remember young man, I’m in your hands now I need to get to Rome by 8.30 at the latest, please! My boy, Sylva Koscina’s supposed to be taking part in the music show so make sure you do a good job! Your son’s sweet, you know that? Thanks, I’m happy, he’s coming along well, he’s very inclined for mechanics for engines and manual labour, I mean I’m much more inclined towards intellectual work: contemplation, observation, repose Gazing at others and studying human psychology If I had to confess what my leanings are, I’d say I’m more inclined towards art, singing, music, and performing on stage, you see? I’ll recite some nice poetry for you I’d like to take a walk if you don’t mind I’ll come with you Oh no, it’s alright, you’re on duty, you’ll have things to do What! I can’t leave Sylva Koscina! Where have they gone? Out the back there What for? How do I know? Go look I love thee, holy ox: a soothing sense of power and peace thou lodgest in my heart How solemn, like a monument, thou art, watching the pastures fertile and immense! Or beneath the yoke with calmness how intense, dost thou to man’s quick toll thine aid impart! Dad! I’ve finished Ah, you were quick, you’re really good! How much do I owe you? Don’t offend me by talking about money! What about me, Dad! I’ve done 2 hours work! And the parts cost a thousand lire too. Let’s say 1,500 in all One thousand and five, thanks sweetheart Go and get yourself a nice ice cream, you little rascal I’ll come with you if you’ll allow me, Sylva Koscina Ok thanks but we need to be quick I’m so glad this little accident came out You know, it’s not easy here in the country to find people you can recite a classical piece to in front of the sunset Don’t you recite to your wife? No, my wife’s a philistine, I don’t even bother trying to cultivate her with classical poetry She’d react violently. Do you know who still gives me the will to carry on living in that house? My old dad, that fearless soldier from the first world war Oh no, what’s happened? Ow, help! Oh no! Oh my God! What a bang my head took! He crashed into the warning triangle Who the hell invented these bloody triangles! Hey young man, don’t talk ill of the warning triangle or I’ll throw you in jail The warning triangle is put there to indicate that the car’s parked But I saw the parked car! It’s the triangle I didn’t see! Let’s take him to the pub Not the pub! Take him to the hospital in the van, get moving! Give me the license number, I need to be paid for damages Next time look where you’re going and don’t interferee with police work! Sylva Koscina Is he badly hurt? No, don’t worry, it’s only a scratch He’s got a hole in his head this big What now? Now thanks to that idiot I’m going to have to fill out an incident report More time wasted! Show me your driving license please, Sylva Koscina My license? To be honest, I haven’t got it on me Why not? I have it to my secretary to get it stamped But this is a very serious matter Well, I left in a hurry, so Let’s go to the car and get your vehicle registration documents But I gave them to my secretary too to get the road tax disc renewed Oh no! You mean you’re travelling without your road tax disc too? Why, is that really bad? Don’t you know that for such a crime you could not only get a warning but also be sent to prison? Surely you’re not going to arrest me? Not a nice man like you Just think, “Otello Celletti puts away Sylva Koscina.” That would make a good news headline Oh please, let’s leave the press out of this! Let me go just this once Look, I’m really late and there are 18 million TV viewers expecting me Be nice and let me go – Come on! I’m only joking! – Really? When faced with a celebrity 18 million Italians are waiting to see, I bow my head pay homage to her, say how honoured I am to have met her, wish her farewell and let her go I’m ever so grateful, you’re so kind Is there anything I could do to thank you? Perhaps, I’ll write a little message down for you. Sylva Koscina, look at this Ok Really? It’s just to see everybody’s faces I feel lucky to have met you Bye and thanks again Stop! Hey uncle Mum, these are my wages. Today there’s 500 lire extra because Dad made me do a litte extra job Well done, go upstairs and get washed. As it’s Saturday, we’ll eat quickly and then go watch the Music Show What job did your father make you do? He got me to fix Sylva Koscina’s car?

Did you say Sylva Koscina? Yeah, the actress Sylva Koscina? Come down here for a second What Mum? Where did you leave your father? Round the back of the haybarn Who with? With Sylva Koscina! And what was he doing round the back of the haystack? Reciting The Ox The Ox? What’s that? Dunno! Some kind of meat or something This evening we have as our guest on the Music Show, her grace, the beauty queen, none other than Sylva Koscina! Good evening Sylva and welcome to the Music Show Thank you, good evening, Mario You’ll have to tell me how you manage it Manage what? I saw you just 3 days ago and I’m sure you weren’t as lovely then What’s your secret? Go on, tell me! because I’d like to be less unattractive – Do you really want to know? – Yes I drink milk all day from morning to night Oh well, I’ll have to stay unattractive then. You’re lovely enough for the 2 of us, anyway, right? She does nothing for me, what do you see in her? Nothing. What am I supposed to see? Are you sure she was round the back of the haybarn with your father? Yeah! Sylva Koscina! She’s much better in person, though – Hi Amalia ! – Hi Ote, do you know her or what? Sure I do He says he knows her What? Listen Mario, before we start, can I say “hi” to someone? You wanna start with the greetings already? I have to do it Well, do it then if you have to My warmest greetings to Otello Celletti Ote, did you see that? She had hello to you She knows you, nice one Otello Let her speak – Ama, she said hello to me – Really? – Are you upset? But we didn’t rehearse that I know So now you’ll have to explain to 18 million viewers who Otello is I can’t, it’s a secret between him and me But is this Otello a handsome young man? Yes – From Rome? – Yes – And he’s nice too – Nice too? Hey Ote, what are you waiting for? Can’t you see how lovely she is? Listen Sylva, the newspapers are saying you’re about to get engaged, is that true? Otello Celletti, I know how you feel! No! What are you talking about, Mario What’s she saying! Quiet Amalia, she’s talking about me I can hear that she’s talking about you! You’re so terrible, Mario! Now you’ve forced me to let you in on my little secret He’s a policeman who pulled me over together on the road from Rome and then let me go Well, he just did his duty Actually, he made an exception Why’s that? I’ll whisper it in your ear I didn’t have my license, road tax disc or vehicle registration documents and he let me go all the same – No road tax disc? – Right No license? No vehicle registration documents? Right – And he let you off? – Yes Constable Celletti, I know how you felt! You’re so lucky! In your place, I wouldn’t have fined Miss Koscina either Have you finished your greetings? – Yes Now you know you need to pay your penance then I know, I know What are you going to sing for us? I’ll sing, “Your kiss is like a rock” And who shall we dedicate this “your kiss is like a rock” song to? To Otello Celletti, I get it, alright Thanks, thanks so much Your kiss is like a rock that bites you with its swing It’s the rather easy knock out that strikes you down in the ring It has the effect of a shock and that’s why I sing like this Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, your kiss is like a rock Yoir kisses aren’t just kisses, one alone is worth at least 3 Baby, that’s why I like you and I say “Ki-ki-kiss me like this!” Your kiss is like a rock that bites you with its swing It’s the rather easy knock out that strikes you down in the ring It has the effect of a shock and that’s why I sing like this Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, your kiss is like a rock Go with your mother Remo, go ahead with your uncle, go on! Amalia, you can’t strike a policeman in uniform Ok, let’s go home then Can’t we talk here? No, let’s go home Come on Amalia, nothing happened between me and Sylva We had tea with little cakes but that was all You made me look such a fool! Didn’t you notice that everyone was looking at me? If I ever run into that bitch, I’ll make that mouth of hers even more swollen than it is now Please Amalia, don’t be nasty about Sylva Don’t be nasty about Sylva! You risked losing your uniform by not fining her

and she goes and names you in front of 8 million viewers! 18 million. Admit it, you’re just upset because this evening I’ve become so famous that all Italy has heard my name Oh, so you told her to say your name, did you? No, these are things you can’t understand, Amalia, you’ve never understood me What! Who is it that’s always stuck up for you? Don’t you remember how when you were unemployed, everyone kept telling me, “Send him out to work!” And I had to steal from the grocery money to buy you a pack of cigarettes Those things don’t mean anything Ah, is that so? Oh come on, today I spent an hour with a person who opened my eyes to broader horizons And what might these horizons be? My dear Amalia, never in the 12 years that we’ve lived together never once have you thought to make me a cup of tea with little cakes! Go drop dead you and your Sylva Koscina! Come in please Good morning Mr Mayor Lieutenant, to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit? Actually, you sent for us urgently Urgently? Sorry but with all the things I have to do for the elections, I don’t This is Constable Celletti Ah, but we’ve met before, haven’t we? Yes, Mr Mayor, actually it was you who connected me We say referred Sorry, sir Hello? Mr Mayor, 700 toy giraffes for the flood victims Who sent them? A toy factory in Parma Alright dear. Did you hear that? I’m supposed to win the elections by giving out toy giraffes to the flood victims! Take a seat You’ll be wondering why I sent for you urgently I suppose it’s to do with what happened last night on TV Actually I hardly ever watch TV but last night I just so happened to find myself in front of the screen and I heard our city talked about in very flattering terms Was it you who stopped that actress, Sylva Pampanini? Koscina, Mr Mayor, Silva Koscina Oh, that’s the one, Sylva Koscina! Take a seat, please. You got the chance to spend some time with her and see her up close. What’s she like? Have a seat Thank – Is she a refined lady? – Very much so, Mr Mayor Blonde hair, light blue eyes, snow white complexion, sweet-smelling Ah, so what you see on the screen’s not a trick then? Not at all, Mr Mayor, she’s completely real And how mouth, did you get a good look at that? From very close up, Mr Mayor. I had plenty of time to do so Because I read in a magazine that she eats soup…have a cigar Thank you Mr Mayor with a coffee spoon so as not to ruin her mouth For goodness sake, I can assure you that’s just something the reporters have made up The freedom of the press is a great thing but sometimes it would be better if we didn’t have it Excuse me for a second Did you see that Lieutenant? Hello? Yes Minister But it was Sylva Koscina, you know Yes, I completely agree with you. You’re absolutely right, it’s a very serious matter 600 million but no matter how much you try to instil a sense of duty, there’s always a black sheep Yes Minister, my respects Minister So you were saying that this actress An apparition, Mr Mayor, a lady truly out of the ordinary And that’s why you let her off, is it? Why, did I do wrong? Wrong? Don’t you realise what you did? That woman had no papers with her! So what, Mr Mayor? She’s Sylva Koscina I don’t care who she is! The ministry’s spent 600 million trying to encourage Italians to respect the Highway Code and the Highway Code’s the same for everyone But you with your gesture have shown 18 million viewers that being an actress is enough to get whatever you want! But Mr Mayor, I thought that as I had before me a TV star, I could make a little exception Get it through your head that in Italy the law is the same for everyone! From the President of the Republic to the man on the street! When you’re on duty, you’re not to look anybody in the face! Got that? Yes sir Celletti, your uniform is hanging by a thread, one more mistake and you’ll lose it! Go Darling, I’ll be with you at 3 Muah What are you playing at! You nearly forced me off the road!

Come on! Get a move on! Well, what’s the matter? Didn’t you see sign? What sign? The speed limit in this residential area is 50 kilometres an hour What speed was I doing? I didn’t even notice Didn’t you? Well I’ll tell you then. You were driving at 65 kilometres an hour Oh well, 15 kilometres is hardly a big deal! Actually, it is a big deal, a very big deal. For up to 55, there’s a fine. Beyond that, you can even be arrested Is this your idea of a joke? Nothing could be further from my mind, you were driving at 65 kilometres an hour and you were speeding up and just up there, there’s a very dangerous bend Do you know what that bend’s called? Dead Man’s Bend Don’t be a pain! I’ve been driving on this road for 15 years at all speeds Show me your driving license please But you know who I am Show me your license please Don’t you recognise me or are you just pretending not to recognise me? I’m sorry but when I’m on duty, I don’t recognise anyone Oh no! Haven’t you renewed your road tax disc? I’ve got the disc in my vehicle registration document, look I haven’t had time to cut it out and stick it on The rules stipulate that the disc needs to be stuck here on the windscreen Hey! Go easy! Still, never mind, show me your warning triangle please – Up you get – Get off! Don’t touch me! What’s he showing me the giraffe for? Is this alright? Ok Can I go now? There still remains the more serious matter of the speeding offence Show me another form of ID please Look, do you know what you can do with your ID? Mr Mayor, wait! Don’t take flight, it’s a criminal offence! Mr Mayor, wait! Did you see a big car pass through here? It went left Oh my God, my foot! Oh my God! Mr Mayor! Mr Mayor! He attacked me What can I do for you? I’d like to see the Mayor – The Mayor? – Yes Lisa, what is it? Madam? Yes Sorry, may I come in? Yes There’s a man here asking for the Mayor Who is it? He’s got a uniform on – Is it a policeman? – Yes Where’s the Mayor, though? He’s shut himself in the living room Don’t be afraid, Madam! Traffic police! Shut the door! – Oh sorry, excuse me Madam – Leave the room, will you! I didn’t know this was the bathroom. With your permission, I’ll wait outside Leave the room and shut the door properly behind you! Does the traffic police invade you in your own bathroom now or something? Lisa, see the gentleman out You heard what the mistress said! Leave the room please! Who is she, though? Why are you asking? Why? Because I’m sure I know her from somewhere Hold on, who does this house belong to? What bsuiness is that of yours? Good afternoon, what can I do for you? I’m sorry madam, maybe I’ve made a mistake. I thought I’d find the Mayor here The Mayor in my house? What makes you think he’d be here?

Well Madam, I was following him along the main road and then I saw him turn into this street, so I thought he’d come in here Did you actually see him enter this house, though? Not exactly but I did see two hands pulling down the garage shutter No, you’re mistaken, those were cousin’s hands There aren’t many houses round here, try looking for him in the others I’ll gladly follow your advice, madam. I’ll catch him somewhere else What are you staring at? The giraffe, madam. That giraffe was in the mayor’s car Oh come on! Now you’re seeing the mayor everywhere! Italy is full of giraffes, they’re manufactured in bulk Really? But isn’t that one of the giraffes for the flood victims? Now look here, have you come into my house to play detective? I told you the mayor’s never set foot in this house and you must take me at my word I do, madam But if it’s not true, I could get you in a lot of trouble You’re obstinate, you know that? Lisa, show this gentleman out That’s one of the giraffes for the flood victims This way If you admit it, I’ll let you off Out you go Did he recognise the giraffe? Well, he harboured doubts Sorry but that obsession of yours for soft toys hasn’t exactly helped Get going, get going! What an enormous head he’s got! And the way he stares so intently at you is normal in dim-witted people And that smile of his frightens me too Are you sure it’s not your wife who’s put him on your tail? Yeah, he followed me to give me a fine. Me! The Mayor! Well sorry but you’re the one who got him the job He seemed so keen to wear the uniform But the ones who are too keen to get something are the ones you should never give it to You’re telling me Do you want to take a little nap? Some chance of that! That trouble maker’s left me in such an agitated state I’ll make you some herbal tea then On learning of the speeding offence for driving at 65 kilometres an hour, he refused to show his driving licence and fled the scene at high speed, as he did so referring to the constable in question with a highly offensive term which cannot be repeated Are you sure you heard this offensive term? I heard it and I attest to having heard it Still, we can all make a slip of the tongue when very irritated I suggest you overlook it What! But he was speeding I advise you not to blindly enforce the law but instead to interpret it After all, this is the Mayor we’re talking out, the number one citizen in our city But it was the mayor himself who told me that the law is the same for everyone and that I’m not to look anybody in the face Look Celletti, would you like a piece of friendly advice? Drop it, you’ve got a family Why? Has the mayor phoned to tell you to tear up the report? No! In that case I’m right because listen captain, I reflect on things and in all modesty, I’m a bit of a psychologist too And I’m sure that after what happened with Sylva Koscina, the mayor wanted to put me to the test What test? To see if I’m impartial And I know he’ll be really pleased when he sees the report arrive because I haven’t left out anything at all These toys on the floor again! What are you doing still up? Go to bed, sweetheart Good night Dad Hi darling Welcome back. Are you really tired, dear? You’ve got no idea! What a terrible day at the ministry, I never stopped Where did you have lunch? Lunch? Oh, with the under-secretary. Actually, do you know what he said? Why don’t you ever bring your wife to lunch? Right! Why don’t you ever bring me? Swine! Teresa, the kids are there! This is where you had lunch! With that whore! The police report! They didn’t stop you on the road to Rome You were stopped on the road where that woman lives And what makes you think I was going to that woman’s house? Read here! Subsequently the mayor turned onto Via Acqua Cupa and disappeared into one of the 5 villas in the area What! But this is just the work of some villain lying through his teeth! Oh really? And why would he do that? You’re so naƬve, darling. He’s been paid by my political opponents who want to cause a scandal to make me lose the elections But I swear to you, darling, I was in Rome and I had lunch with the under-secretary Alright then! I’ll phone the under-secretary What! You can’t make a fool out of me by doing that, Teresa!

But really! I wan’t to get to the bottom of the matter! Well we’ll get to the bottom of the matter together, I promise because I’m not paying this fine. I don’t give in to provocation from my opponents It’ll go to court And I’d like to see who the judge will believe: me or just another bobby from the street who for that matter is the same villain that sent us that bad meat We’re in Lake Garda in November way back in 1912 It’s the middle of the night, there’s a sea of fog and the sentries are guarding the munitions depot The King is passing through Lake Garda and sleeping at the hotel Bellavista with the Queen At 3 o’clock in the morning, the Queen wakes up and realises the King’s not in bed anymore She switches on the light and sees the King pulling up his trousers Where are you going, she says? Wherever I please! What, have you got a mistress here at Lake Garda too? Drop it, the King says. I’m going to surprise the sentries on guard But what have those poor sentries done to you to? Leave them alone, they might be asleep by now That’s just it, the King says, I want to put them to the test Hang on, what’s this got to do with the Mayor? Don’t interrupt Amalia, let me tell the story. Where were we? The king’s pulling his trousers up to put the sentries to the test Right, who was on guard that night at the munitions depot in Lake Garda? Your father My father was just about to fall asleep when all of a sudden in the far off fog he sees way ahead of him a tiny man, this small – Guess who it is? – The King! Right Stop right there, my dad says And he points the rifle at him I’m the King, he says. Don’t you recognise me? What do you want, my dad says Let me in the munitions depot Do you know the password? No, the King says In that case, I’m not letting you in even if you’re the King and if you move a muscle I’ll shoot you in the head Good soldier! the King says and goes back to bed What about the Queen? Forget about the Queen! The next morning the whole regiment is lined up in the barracks and the King arrives with the Queen Well done Private Celletti, the King says and pins a medal here on his chest Surely you don’t think the Mayor is like the King and gets up at 3 in the morning to test you! Times have changed, don’t you realise that you’re uniform’s at stake? Amalia, I told you this story to give you an analogy Alright, times have changed, the Mayor might not get up a 3 in the morning like the King did but if the King gave my dad a medal, the Mayor will have to give me a couple of sergeant’s stripes at least Go to Porta Romana, kilometre 17 Porta Latina Where shall I go? Nowehere, actually put your motorbike away and go home You, take his motorbike and helmet and put them in the warehouse What’s going on? Have I been fired? Yes, you’re being transferred to the council dog shelter for now and then we’ll see But Lieutanant, why are you doing this to me? I told you not to get yourself in trouble, didn’t I? What, is it because I issued a fine to the Mayor? What were you expecting? A medal? But that means my wife was right, the times have changed! If I lose my job for doing my duty, in that case let me cry from the bottom of my heart a single word, “Long live the King!” – Huh? – LONG LIVE THE KING! Do whatever the hell you like, Celletti! Long live the King, long live the King, long live the King! – It’s the national anthem, do you know it? – No Royal Union He’s had his helmet, belt and pistol taken away from him His boots taken away from him, and he’s been stripped of the uniform he fought so hard for He’s been demoted and locked away in the council dog shelter Citizens, citizens, we’ve had the same mayor for 10 years In the last elections, he won by a margin of 25 miserly votes who knows where, how or by what means he procured them Now I appeal to you, to 25 undecided voters, to ask you Will you vote for that man again? – What’s that noise? – Whistles, Mr Mayor That man instead of bowing his head to the law and the man issuing him the fine answered with a word I cannot repeat but which will be revealed in the trial and will remain forever written and read in the mire of this city’s history What did you say to him? Never you mind! Let it go! How was I to know that brute would go and tell the whole story to the monarchists? I only hope for our children’s sake that he hasn’t told them about one thing: that whore Teresa! Come on, now’s not the time! We need to do something Do what, though? Give him a good kick up the backside! Great, that way you’ll make a martyr out of him as well as a hero

What should I do then? You should have paid the fine, that was the easy thing to do And when he asked you for your licence, you shouldn’t have escaped because that man for all his many failings still wears a uniform But I didn’t escape! I just carried on along the road and then turned into a country lane Ah! So you did enter the country lane! Teresa, you’re thinking about country lanes and my nomination is at stake! What’s that? Yes, of course, it’s very serious Mr Mayor, there’s a big gathering outside the dog shelter, the crowd’s going wild for Constable Celletti – Lieutenant! – What are your orders? Do something! What do you mean? Send the hose pipes to break up the crowd! Ok We’re going to lose the town hall this time round, I can feel it Come off it! Don’t exaggerate! I’ve never had rivals! My grandfather was Mayor at the time of Giolitti My father was in office for 20 years in a period when like it or like the roads, albeit narrow, were built And Teresa you’re my witness, since the liberation, ever since I left the convent I’ve done all I can for the common good And for your own good But this time you’re going to lose the elections Oh come on! I might have made a little mistake but who is there to replace me? Show me the opponent who has my moral and physical presence Otello Celletti is the name that we must stamp with golden letters in our electoral roll! My fellow citizens, will you vote for Otello Celletti ? Yeah! Vote for the Monarchist Union! Vote for the candidate Otello Celletti ! For the new Mayor, vote for the candidate Otello Celletti For an efficient administration, vote for Otello Celletti By voting for Otello Celletti, you’ll be sure of an honest administration My fellow citizens, I come from an honest family. My father was a humble shoemaker but on this brave’s soldier’s chest there shines a pristine, radiant bronze medal that was pinned there by the august hand of the King as those barbarians oppressed this Hapsburg bastion But what does Hapsburg mean? I told them that at the rally we need to say things everyone understands The masses don’t catch on to these difficult sentences What, do you understand what you’re saying then? Not everything, no Ote, you can’t address the people in a square, your pronunciation isn’t good enough You get all pale and nervous before you even start And you don’t have a clue about what you’re reading I might not understand it but the ones who wrote it have got brains this big But they’re just using you for their own ends while it suits them until they drop you You haven’t really got it in your head to become Mayor, have you? Yeah, why not? Why can’t I be Mayor? You don’t know anything about history or geography, you don’t have a degree You’re a policeman. You can’t go into politics Ama, I might be a policeman but what did Khrushchev use to do? He was a miner in Siberia And what about Mao? He was just a poet but now he commands 600 million Chinese who are taking up arms You’re obsessed with those Chinese, you know that Alright, let’s talk about the Americans then! What did Truman use to do? How do I know? He sold ties Then one day the made him president, he ruled the world for 5 years dropped the atomic bomb, won the war, and now now he’s back to selling ties again Alright, supposing they make you Mayor, what do you get out of it? I’ll tell you what he’ll get out of it. We’ll buy 10 thousand square metres of land for 1 lira a metre Then as he’s the Mayor, he’ll instruct them to build roads, sewers, water works get us gas and electricity, and then we’ll resell the land we paid 1 lire for at a thousand Are you listening to your uncle? Why, isn’t he right? How can you already be thinking about stealing? You started it. Just do what everyone else does Anyway, in the end you’ll be helping the community and you can keep a few quid for yourself. Relax Is that how you make your way in the world? You’re so greedy, always out to exploit the honest and help yourself Have you never stopped to think that there are principles in life too? Does Otello Celletti live here? Yeah, it’s this little door on the right. Ote, there are 2 men here looking for you Who are they? I reckon they’ve come to arrest you Oh my God, I told you not to get on the wrong side of the people in people They’ll always get the better of you What are you going on about? May we come in? – What do you want? – Who are you? Mr Celletti please Here, that’s me Don’t hurt him, the others put him up to it Calm down Amalia! Don’t get involved! We’re here on behalf of Commendatore Marinetti Commendatore Marinetti…Commendatore Marinetti and wife invite Mr Celletti and wife to their cocktail party which will take place from 5 p.m. in their villa on February 12, 1960

What’s a cocktail party? It’s a small reception, madam – And are they guests? – Yes Sorry but is this Marinetti a relative of the one who constructs buildings? Not a relative, it’s him in person Come over here for a second Do you realise the invitation’s come from the biggest constructor in the county? That bloke’s got 6 billion – 6 billion ? – Right! But what does he want from us? He got that money in league with the Mayor from that new urban development plan of his Now he’s realised that the Mayor might lose the elections and then you’ll become Mayor, so he wants to buy you off Buy you off! If only such a miracle would happen! Listen, if he only offers you 1 million, don’t accept it And what makes you think I would stoop to something so low? You need to keep firm. If they give 2, 3, 4, don’t take it! If they go up to 5, grab it and bring it straight back home No signature or receipt, that’s how it’s done nowadays Ssh! They’ll hear us! But why? Don’t you want the money? Don’t be greedy, let’s make do with what we’ve got. A month ago I was unemployed Today we’ve just been invited to one of the most important houses in the county in the middle of high class society What more could you want? I’m not stooping that low Think instead about how to dress, have you got an evening dress? I’ve got a black gown We’re not going to a funeral! I don’t want you showing us up to all those people! What should I wear? Your bright blue suit – Excuse me gentleman – What is it? Sorry, how many kilometres away is the villa? 16 Since we don’t have any means of transport at the moment, how can we get to the villa? We’ll come and pick you up in the Commendatore’s car at 7 – Ok, we’ll be expecting you then – Of course, good night – Good night – Good night, thank you – Dad – What? Mind they don’t take you to the sticks and beat you up Are you hearing this! Nobody beats up your father. Stand up straight, chest out! Listen Ama, when you go to give them your hand, don’t swing it around because they’ll bend over to kiss it and you’ll punch them in the nose What if I get asked to dance? Dance! But don’t drink, Amalia, please! When you’ve had a drop, you get tipsy and start making a fool of yourself Don’t worry, I won’t say a word, I’ll keep my mouth shut This day was bound to come. It’s so rewarding after all that we’ve suffered Are you glad? I can’t believe it’s true If someone came to me in a dream to tell me one day I’d be a guest at your house and I’d dance with you Commendator Marinetti in person, I’d never have believed it Why’s that? This is nothing out of the ordinary Well commendatore I must confess that my grandmother was a maid in your house – Your grandother? – Yes What was her name? Ottavia, do you remember her? Ah, Ottavia! Of course I remember her! Countess, you see in me a policeman but that’s just a twist of fate because my wife and I descend from noble family even though we don’t tell anyone Because actually, you know, I believe if we go back far enough, we all have a bit of noble blood in us I didn’t know that Didn’t you? Thank you. Excuse me, thank you Otello! Can you believe that the Commendatore didn’t know that Granny Ottavia used to work here? What can I say? She was a fine woman and a great worker She snuffed it right after she stopped working here Amalia, go easy on the champagne! Do I have to tell you that every time you drink? But this is the first time I’ve ever drunk champagne before! Doesn’t she sound tipsy to you? – Good evening – Hello – Good evening Madam, allow me to introduce my husband to you Ah Amalia Celletti, pleased to meet you Our constable is the man of the hour and everyone wants to talk with him You’ll have to excuse me if I steal him from you for a minute Gladly Commendatore, excuse me ladies You know Commendatore, the poor have completely the wrong idea about the rich Why’s that? What, don’t you know what people in my neighbourhood say about you? – No – You’ll forgive me if I speak frankly, Commendatore They say Commendatore Marinetti is a son of a Thief, palm greaser, swindler, spy and the insult always ends with cuckold Drop it However, now that I’ve met you in person and I’ve been welcomed into your house as an equal do you know what I say? I say we have before us a true gentleman What’s going on? Who are they? Do you know these gentleman, the town councillors Mandolesi, Tropia, and Rizzi? But they’re friends of the Mayor At my house, everybody’s a friend. Sit down and let’s reach an agreement I’ll sit down because I’ve been on my feet for 4 hours but an agreement about what? Tomorrow there’s a trial at the courthouse involving 2 people, yourself and the Mayor over a silly business of a fine. Shall we discuss it calmly over a nice glass of champagne? What do you say? But discuss what? What is there to discuss? I have no idea. If you do, then tell me Come on! Hey, are you patting me? No, Mandolesi explain the situation to him Well the speed limit is 50 kilometres an hour So what? You affirm in your report that that Mayor was driving at 65 kilometres an hour

We believe you’re right Ah! I’m glad you admit it The Mayor says he was driving at 45 kilometres an hour and we believe he’s right too Really? So if the Mayor’s right and I’m right, who’s wrong? The speed gun Isn’t it a wonderful discovery? In the trial, you can say the speed gun was broken and everything will be settled in just a few minutes You can get your great job back, and your helmet, your goggles and the motorbike and whenever you need anything, you know you’ve got friends here who you can turn to It’s starting to smell of burning in here. Are you scared? No, it’s not about being scared. It’s about putting a quick end to the trial so that it doesn’t head down the wrong track And so that certain facts that make you tremble don’t come to light What facts? First, that when I was following the Mayor, I saw him go inside a villa where there was a naked woman taking a bath Need I say more? And all the land around the villa is the property of that lady And while she takes her baths, the land is going up in value because the Mayor’s building roads and putting in gas and electricty at the taxpayer’s expense, while you’re putting up buildings and the 2 of you are in league and putting all the bribe money in your pockets Down with the honourable city councillors! Down with the industrial magnates! Mr Mayor, I’m going to bring you and your government down! Good evening everyone My dear, unbending Constable! Aren’t you going to shake my hand? No, sorry but I don’t shake those hands stained with blood What? I said those are big words! He’s lost his mind, he says he’s determined to reveal everything he’s found out at the trial What’s he found out and who from? From the monarchists, Mr Mayor. They’re backing me and supporting me in this bitter struggle They know everything about all of you and I’m gonna stir up a scandal Over what? You, Mr Mayor, over the urban development plan. Councillor Mandolesi for the refuse collection contract Councillor Rizzi because he got his sister-in-law’s cousin to buy that old people’s home and turned it into a 5 star hotel And then I’ll drop a bombshell that will bring down the whole administration crumbling down! – What bombshell? – WHAT BOMBSHELL? In that house where I saw the giraffe, one night all of you were dancing bare-chested with showgirls who had brought down from Rome Giovanni Maria, give me the bag Yeah, that’s it, give him the bag. What might be in it, I wonder? Let me tell you now, if you want to pay me off with money, I can’t be bought Don’t worry, we’ll keep our money for ourselves No, I mean that if you want to hush everything up, no amount of money will be enough to persuade me Why’s that? Because I’m pure and untarnished Pure and untarnished? That’s right Giovanni Maria, give me that other document What does your brother-in-law do for a living? You know only too well, Mr Mayor, you got to sink your teeth into a few nice steaks of his He’s a butcher, why? But he plies his trade illegally, doesn’t pay any taxes, and what’s even more serious he sells the meat without it passing any quality control inspections, thus putting other people’s lives at risk He could end up in jail And? Are you trying to scare me? What do I care if my brother-in-law ends up in jail? That’s not my business Alright, let’s move on to your sister Hey, keep my sister out of this! Watch what you say about her! What does your sister do for a living? She’s a masseuse in Milan, why? Haven’t you ever bothered to find out what kind of massages she gives? She did a Red Cross Nursing course. Why? She had a relationship that turned sour, then moved to Milan with a pilot who as it turned out wasn’t actually a pilot at all and got arrested So she started giving massages, she says she’s doing great She’s got a washing machine and a fridge Pass it round What are you suggesting? Something unpleasant? What, has she got a criminal record? Read for yourself! How did you find out about this? Don’t worry, it’s reliable information Carnal knowledge! Oh Assunta, what have you done! What have you done! What would poor Mum have said if she’d heard about this? And what will the judge say about it in the trial tomorrow? But what have my brother-in-law and my sister got to do with that? At the trial, we need to talk about the fine and the fine alone You also said you wanted to talk about other things And that’s what I’m going to do even if you taint my relatives because I’m still pure and untarnished Are you married? Are you married in the eyes of the law? Sure I am and I’ve got a 11 year-old son, a lovely little boy, Mr Mayor You might have a son but you’re not married, you’re a concubine You live with a lady but you’re not married to her. You’re both public concubines, didn’t you know that? No, sorry Mr Mayor but what does public concubines mean? We’ve lived together for 12 years We love each other. Isn’t that enough? Why aren’t you officially married, though?

Why? Because my partner’s already married to another man, Barlocco his name is Let’s suppose this man Barlocco resurfaces and files charges for adultery. Where would you end up? In prison See, you did know! You’d go to prison and your wife would go back to living with Barlocco since he’s her legal husband Legal husband my foot! He was always drunk, in and out of prison, and even used to hit his wife to hit my partner! Then he deserted her and went off to live in Africa Apparently he got in trouble for stabbing an African We haven’t had news of him for years. In fact, we’ve even applied for a declaration of presumed death Why, do you know something? Is there a risk of him coming back? As long as he’s not definitely dead, there’ll always be a risk Curse him and you too! You’re trying to scare me, aren’t you? No, we want to make you reflect and tell you how to behave at the trial It’s not up to you to tell me how to behave at the trial But listen Don’t touch me! Vultures! I’ve got people who will protect me, I’m not afraid of any of you! Ote, what happened? Why did we rush away all of a sudden? We didn’t, we just needed to leave We were with nice people and we left without saying thank you or goodbye to anyone Who did you want to say goodbye to? It’s not my fault if I didn’t feel well I can feel all that ice cream bloating in my stomach Ote, tell me the truth! Why did they come and pick us up in their car and then send us home on foot? Because they’re scumbags, that’s why Nando! Nando, where are you going? For a little drive Have they busted you for the illegal meat? No, who knows why? Nando, don’t worry, I’ll get you out Ote, watch your step, this lot aren’t gonna let me out Oh well Ote, see, I was right! This is the Mayor’s doing Quiet! Keep your nose out of it! It’s a coincidence, that’s all Ote Ama, go home. Go home I’m telling you! What did you say? He’s here Who’s here? Your wife’s husband Where is he? Inside, he needs to talk to you Ote, what’s up? You’re looking well, you’ve put on weight Where have you come from? From Tortona. I had a nice journey on a sleeper car, actually You’re wearing trainers and a safari jacket and you travelled in a sleeper car Who paid for your ticket? None of your business. Tomorrow I’ll get dressed up, I’ve been invited to a nice trial and depending on how you behave either I’ll go back to Tortona or I’ll be forced to say who I am Ote, being a public concubine’s not a good idea Did they pay you? Ote, let me finish this game with my mate, will you – What’s the score? – 6-5 Ote! Otello, what’s going on! Your husband’s shown up, did you know that! My husband? Yeah, he says he’s come to attend the trial and that we’re public concubines As if he just realised that now! See, I told you so, I was right! I knew this was gonna happen Or is this just another one of your coincidences? What, you mean they’ve set us up? It was them from the Council Don’t ask me, how do I know? Keep calm, relax Relax! If you only knew the state your father’s in! What, why? He’s been summoned to testify in court Dad, have you been summoned? Look at this, I’m still shaking I can’t stand up either, I’m all shaky too Don’t shake! Stop shaking! Don’t be scared! Look at me! You look like you’re shaking to me too. Listen, did them at the party bung you a few million? What are you going on about, Dad! A few million what? Ama, do me a favour and phone my sister in Milan Why? Tell to be careful who she gives her massages to and maybe have a break for a few days How can you be thinking about your sister with them trying to divide us and ruin the family? Oh come on, what rubbish! What are you worried about? We’ve got the monarchist party to protect us and the best lawyers Go and phone my sister please What have we got to be afraid of? Ote, what should I say if they ask me about the King at the trial tomorrow? My beloved father, you tell them the truth, you’re the only untainted one in this family because you were fortunate enough to live in an age when justice still existed Ote, I’m scared But why are you scared, Dad? You go outside, go buy me a cigar Alright What if they make me swear? The swear! Swear to tell the truth But if I tell them the truth, the monarchists won’t help us anymore and they’ll beat us up too Hold on, why? Isn’t it true that the King got up out of bed that night and came to surprise you? Yeah, it’s true, but I didn’t recognise him What do you mean? It was 3 in the morning, there was fog everywhere and I’d had a couple of glasses of wine as well Suddenly I see a man coming towards me, so I point my rifle at him and say “Who goes there?” “I’m the King”, he says, “Let me in!” Do you know the password? “No,” the King says “but I’m the King and I want to come in”

And what did you do? What do you think I did, son? I started shooting You shot the King? Yep. 7 shots I fired at him And thank God I’d had a few drinks, otherwise I’d have got him in the head How did the King react? How do you think? He ran like hell and was swearing too But when I was a kid, you never tell me this version of the story What was I supposed to tell you, that I went to prison? What, you went to prison too? For 3 years because I dared to stop the King Oh my God! So it’s just the same old story then No, it’s worse, my boy, because back then they didn’t even pay you off with a few million lire Well, did you phone my sister? She’s here She’s here? – Ote! – Assuntina! Let me look at you She’s grown up, hasn’t she? You can say that again! Well, what’s wrong? You’ve changed so much, Assuntina, with all that curly blonde hair. Your head looks this big! What would poor Mum say if she saw you now, bless her heart! I had to make a break for it, but what’s happened? What, you’re asking me? What have you been getting up to in Milan? Never you mind that! You look out for yourself! Why, what do you mean? I mean watch your step Hello! The law applies to all citizens, from the last in society to the first in society But this principle must not become an object of scorn and ridicule because we have here before us a man who outside this courthouse tried to make a mockery of the law Behold him, your honour! Note the smile of sarcasm on his face But soon that smile will be transformed into tears because a humble and honest servant of justice has risen up against him like a Titan. Otello Celletti, on your feet! You are the voice of our conscience, the voice that will strike us all like lightning! We make no appeal to lightning We shall not concern ourselves with the weather but instead stick closely to the boundaries of the trial The defense will call forward several witnesses who can reveal some extremely helpful things to us The good sister of the Titan shall be the first and after her, we’d like to here Mrs Amalia Rossignoli together with Mr Barlocco They will have very interesting things to tell us too And finally, we request that the amazing constable’s father be heard The brave comabttant and hero of a thousand rallies They’re not relevant witnesses but we make no objection because we’re not afraid of the truth Do you want to hear the testimony of these law-abiding citizens! By all means! Do you want to question the hero? Let’s question him! In a few seconds, he’ll sweep away the evidence It’s best if you don’t make me speak! Don’t antagonise me! Leave him alone, he’s just a poor old man. Ama, give my dad your arm Your honour, my father’s just a poor old man whose brain’s not with it anymore And in any case, if anybody needs to bear witness here, it’s me After all, I wrote the police report About time! I won’t allow any further excesses Can we deal with the events set out in the report! Yes Your Honour, but before discussing the events in question, if the court will allow me I’d like to speak for a moment about the man in front of us What kind of man is this! Your Honour, this man, whose opponents want to mix up in a scandal as part of an underhand political ploy is pure and untarnished! This is shocking! I thought he said he was a scumbag Well, he must have changed his mind Hold on, you’re doing the job of accused’s defense attorney Your Honour, let him speak Bu you’ve already got a defense attorney

Yes but he’s so much more spontaneous Thank you, Mr Mayor I am spontaneous and at the same time a psychologist and I can assure that a man with such a distinguished brow can never be wrong and only ever be right! Enough! You scoundrel, we’re leaving, we’re abandoning you But who are you, anyway? I don’t even know them, Your Honour Enough! I cannot allow any further digressions Just answer the questions I ask you At what speed was the car travelling when you stopped it? 45 kilometres an hour But here on the report it says 65 Does it say 65? Clearly, that must be due to a mistake What mistake? the thing is, Your Honour, I only realised at a later stage that my speed gun, which is an obsolete device that wasn’t produced in Italy if it shows 65, then vehicle is going at 65…I mean, at 45 kilometres an hour! 45? You ought to have checked your speed gun first I acknowledge my error and humble apologise to the court Let’s see what else is written in the report For his part, the Mayor claims to have said the word “drunkard” Drunkard? The Mayor could be right because when he said it, the car window was closed and I could only see an unclear movement of his lips Oh really! You’re retracting everything in your report! I call on you to speak the truth. Don’t be afraid And who should I be afraid of, Your Honour? They’ve all treated me so well In other words, you cannot tell us the word written here in the report which it says cannot be repeated, is that right? Oh no Your Honour! In the presence of my innocent son, I declare myself unable to state that word Dad, if you don’t remember it anymore, I do Quiet! Do you want to get him in trouble? In short, do you believe it was the intention of the Mayor to offend you? No Your Honour, not at all, because even if he’d said that word that sounds like drunkard one must keep in mind that here in Lazio, it’s a word in very common use and not even offensive In fact, throughout Italy it tends to be used to refer to a person who is over honest I thought he said he was gonna bring down the government in the trial They’re just things one says But it’s unfair It’s best you get used to life’s injustices from a young age because when you’re older you won’t be able to anymore You’re the only witness to the events that took place and now you’re saying things very different from what you yourself wrote in your report Why? Why Your Honour? Because one reflects about things One thinks and then thinks twice and then Slow down! Slow down, drive slowly! The surface is slippery, slow down! Why are you going so fast? Slow down, you’re at Dead Man’s Bend, look out for the cliff Slow down! It’s for your own good, it’s slippery I’m telling you. Slow down! Stop, stop! Pull over everyone, let the Mayor’s fast car through! Go ahead, My Mayor, go straight on Have a great day! Hang on, why did you stop us over and not him? – Do you have a family? – Yeah So do I, so mind your own business But where’s he going in such a hurry? Back, get back! Move back, move back folks! Get back, out of the way! Get out of the way! Move back, come on, move back! My Mayor? I’m here, Mr Mayor Mr Mayor Who are you? Constable Celletti Go to hell! Get out of the way! Get off the road! Make way for the Mayor! The end